Filling a sift with sand

My computer came to bed with me today, can't remember the last time that has happened. I don't want to go to sleep, my dreams might take me places i don't want to go.
I was driving home today, in the middle of the night, going trough a bridge, and entertained the idea of driving off of it for far too long. I regularly question if I should kill myself to make a quick and un-expensive check on my spirit, if it's the most ridiculous idea in the world it's a great day, if it just seams like a lot of trouble I conclude tat's not worth it. I'm not suicidal, i just use my reservations to die as a measure on my mental health. Today was different. I am sad today. I am also alone. I think I will date the first one I get my hands on. External validation in order to get internal satisfaction. A broken equation, it will never work it's like filling a sift with sand.
a valuable lesson was learned today. not gonna forget this one any time soon, the hard one are the ones that really stick  with you. this one will stick like peanut butter on a fine dress.

Five

five sentences, i only need five to tell you the truth

one, i was fucked up really fucked up when i came to you. two, i was scared about hanging out, i had no idea if i would catch feelings  so i overcompensated by feeling absolutely nothing. three, i could not feel anything i didn't wanted to feel anything so i didn't, nothing. four you need something to make it work, desire at least, i was driven only by curiosity and as i now understand that's not enough. five, it's fifty fifty and this is my half, it feels like it's heavier then yours, as usual.

I guess i'm sorry.

Either kill it or Cut it off

       Becoming a grown up woman is the hardest thing one can try to do successfully. To find the perfect balance between ruthless and kindness, as well as between delicate and ungraceful. I am a sinner, for I always prefer to be unkind and ruthless when there is a choice, I could try to be Gandhi but no. present me with the opportunity to squash who is trying to squash me and I will do it, no mercy. no holding back, no kindness. I show no kindness to who shows me nothing but pain. this is not the makings of a lady. a lady is strong but delicate, i see how I should act, I just can't bring myself to forgive, or worse, I can't see myself to change. In the struggle to become calm and assertive I only seem able to fabricate being assertive and aggressive. I go from calm to "I will murder your family " faster then a Bugatti. Today I thought how could I hit him with this iron can? how would I make it look like an accident? is there an angle where I could say it was just a joke gone wrong? is it even heavy enough to kill him? 

       Someone told me that not being able to cope with this is a sign of immaturity and that saying that I don't want him to be a part of my file is the speech of a child. I think not. If there are no benefits from it, if you get nothing but pain and stress isn't it a sign of strength to cut it off your life?

Please, I need help! Please, my arm! it hurts so bad i think it's infected.. Please just make it stop..

I'm sorry miss but we can't treat your arm, that would be the most immature thing we could do in this situation, you should learn how to live with the pain, make it stop just with your mind, if you would just grow up we feel strongly that you could make the infection go away.

You don't understand! this is making everything else sick, I feel it reaching my heart, I feel it eroding who I am, please! please.. just make it go away, please..

Miss, really.. I mean, just stop. You are making a fool out of yourself, look at you. You are being pathetic, and we are fed up with your whining Just make the pain stop, just grow up, just love your arm so we can start pretending that there is nothing wrong with it.

No wait! please, PLEASE! you have to help me, I can't handle this anymore, this will kill me! why aren't you listening to me! why don't you believe me? don't you think that if I could I would make it stop? I can't stand this pain anymore, please, please just let me cut it off! I need this to STOP! why don't you listen to me? WHY? please..

 just like a rotting limb.

Nightmares

I had a nightmare, this has been going on for a few nights now.

I have a new kind of nightmare, nobody dies in the dream, it only hurts when I wake up.

I dream of a time when I was loved, of a time when I wasn't alone and when I felt safe and a part of something instead of a loose piece.

Everything is calm and so peaceful, in the dream things feel right and natural, like it has always been like that. things aren't complicated and they never got messed up.

It's funny that I don't dream with who still makes me happy. I don't know why I only dream with who broke me. I was happy, so why not you? Why should you dream with the dead?

The dead make me tired when I wake up. I can't sleep anymore. I say it's the morning light in my room, the irony of it fills me. Remind yourself that everything changes, I just can't seem to make my heart learn not to mess with my dreams, my brain feels weird when I wake up.

No

I don't love you

I don't want you

I don't need you

Yes

I miss love

I miss a friend

I miss the warm

None of these things are connected. But sadly the worst is part of the best. The only frame of reference I have ends in a ... way, so that's what I dream of.

I thought I had a new frame, but you were made of watercolors, not even I can build of that.

I am sick. I am a sick potato and i'm turning into Vodka. I hope

Change I must or die I will

I am done with this life, I have no patience left in me. Change I must or die I will. I am not happy, I feel happiness, but I am not happy, it is no longer a part of my life. I am in suspended animation, a dreamless slumber. I am living with the idea of a change, of growing and leaving what doesn't make me happy. I know what it is, I know who they are, I understand what needs to change, I know what I have to do and for now I have to wait, but I am at the end of my rope, either I start living or I'm afraid I will die. what is depression? can you feel? Do you stop seeing? I don't know the difference, I feel that I am nothing now, I can't see anything. It's a miracle on it's own that I don't believe when people tell me that i'm worthless, Yes NOW I am, in this moment I guess you might have a point, but as a person I am better then this. You talk to me as if I am nothing, since I feel like nothing it's a special kind of miracle that I don't believe I am nothing. You lie. You don't know any better and that makes it extra hard to hate you.

You write what you are living, I started this blog writing about things exterior to me, that were opinions, advises, ideas. I scaled down to events and now to self-absorbing things, it's all about me, I hate when it's about me. I will try to find my way back.

If you and me got together. I wouldn't fight you, I wouldn't try to change you, I would try to accept you for all that you are, and in order to do that I would have to lower my expectations about what I deserve, I would, everyday, live with less until there was almost nothing left, You don't give if you can take, and you would take it all and give me nothing. One of these days I would wake up resentful and sad and with such a pain inside. I would be so disappointed at me for having allowed myself "live" with so little. I will never hate you, for it is impossible for a part of me to stop loving you. We will never work, you will never change and I wasn't born for misery. I hope I will stop wishing for things to be different, but I am happy for being able to see them for that they are.

The God I no longer believe exists

Hey.

How are you? Remember me? Remember this?

I am writing you from a very confusing time, I've always wished this worked both ways.

Remember the last time I did this? I was so scared, I needed some advice and after writing it I never felt so alone, there was no answer. But I remember when, 2 years later I re-read it, and it felt so little, so small and unimportant, here's to hoping here's to coping.

So you are going to have surgery, yes. And nothing is going to be the same after it, you will never be just you again it will be you plus whatever parts they put inside, never more you will say this is just me, 100% me, not that I walk around saying that.

I keep thinking about lasts, the last time I will be able to bend this way, the last time I will stand like this, the last time it's just me. I am so scared. There is no turning back, no way you can decide, no this is not for me, take me back to where I was natural. It's going to be a new way of life, relearning how to do everything. living with the fact that you are limited and less of a person. Yes I think I will be less of a person after it, I also think I will hate it, and I will be for ever unable to feel in love with what I am. I feel like the time that I love myself is coming to an end and I will just relearn how to relate to myself without that.

It's a deja-vú all of it has happened and I should draw experience, knowledge and tranquility from the past.

It will be alright, I am stronger then what I give myself credit. I will  find a way to live a happy life because I know no other way to live, it's a good thing, I have no alternative so it's for the best to stop dwelling on the bad part of the future. the part where I won't dance anymore, or do yoga, or feel like myself. but maybe this new self is better then the last one, this one could be better and tougher.

I cringe when I wear "It's not going to be that bad" I know that's what I would say to someone while secretive being so thankful that it wasn't me. I hear that I want to scream "I know you are happy it's me and not you!" oh shit, I want to say that so bad.

"you hadn't had the most active life to begin with"

"yes you little cunt, but now if i want to change I can't THAT'S THE ISSUE!"

"everything is going to be fine"

"oh, did your magic toenail told you that? stop saying bullshit and tell the truth, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT"

"ah you will be so tall"

"yes, finally people will stop pointing at me in the street, my dream come true"

"all the clothes are going to fit you so well!"

"they fit me just fine now! stop telling me that I 'm not enough right now"

Ah the joys of human interaction.

So, I hope that you, me, is, am, having a great active life, not dead, crazy in love with something, finally fit and with a great ass, that the good things outweigh the bad, and that you, me, regret nothing. I hope I'm doing the right thing, and forgive-me, yourself, if you didn't. By the God I no longer believe exists You, Me are just doing, all alone, the best we can. Who can ask for anything else?

One way or the other it will all be over soon.

Writing at last, writing at last

Writing at last, writing at last. The beauties of randomness.

Lately I have been feeling worthless. no point in sugar coating it, it's the truth. I have no job, and i don't want to leave the house. I have things to do that i postpone, just so i can reaffirm the type of person that I feel that i am. Uninteresting and unworthy. I am better then this. I have to be because this is pathetic and dangerous.

I feel my brain is turning in to mush, it took me 2 moves to lose at chess.

Sometimes you outgrow your friends, I miss some of them. I feel sad that some of them decided that they were too busy, too cool, or just too happy to keep in touch. I am talking about you, you are not to busy, you are just not interested in trying. And that's ok, but by the way, screw you. Don't count on me to be a bottomless pit of happiness for you when you don't give a damn. so yeah. Fork you and don't bother me with your silence anymore.

What else.. I guess i will ease into this.. tadah  for now.