The right time

     It's hard to make friends, keeping them is even harder. We lose them to the weirdest things, boyfriends, girlfriends, possessions, time, life, alcohol, old age, locations. some of them find their way back, others not really, and sometimes you have to be the one who lets them go. Learning what is the right time to let someone out of your life is one of the most difficult lessons, I would love to know, know for sure that someone isn't worth it, that that person will bring me no more joy and even if they do, it will never be enough to balance out the bad things they will do. I'm not different from any other, i think we all would like to know it, or just to be sure of what we had done. I had to cut off some people, but they left me no choice, I will never walk away from what I love, but I will also never break, and you can only bend so far. When people drive you to the brink you can only break or walk away, and you should never feel bad for doing what you have to do in order to survive.

      Anyone who lets anything get in the way of your friendship maybe wasn't a true friend. but then again, people come to your life, and serve their purpose and then they leave. Isn't this a variation of the damn "everything happens for a reason"? Shit happens, not for a reason, but because shit happens, that's all. So people enter and leave your life randomly? They might enter as a random thing, but they, or you, chose to let them leave.

     I think i'm going to vote some people out of my island, I like to keep a tight ship, keep your friends at large and your enemies nonexistent.

     I hate that move of the "i will just stop engaging the conversation and eventually they will feel like "oh we just lost touch" and i'm like "no we didn't! it was all in my plan!", it's the trade mark of a non confrontational person, be bold and brave, tell it like it is, move on and let them move on as well. Don't you think they feel like they are doing all the effort? that they are not appreciated? ... what a load of crap. I hope we are all doing our best to be our best, we all screw things up. I'm taking the lion share of it, I'm a screw up hoarder.

     Make them tall  make them fat and short, make them thin, make them sad and joyful, make them from all around the world, make them gay and straight make the from your neighbors, make them non-humans make it with the ones who bark make it with the cakes you bake and with the people you hate. Make friends from all walks of life, and cut out the suckers who don't want to make you happy. 

For sure tomorrow

       All I see around me are couples, people grouped two by two, couples couples everywhere. Do you only see what you want or you look for what you dread? 

       What is this need not to be alone? Why are we all so afraid to be alone? Today there was a show on TV about unlikely friends, it was a blind horse and an old goat, a goose and a tortoise, and a white gibbon and some Capuchin monkeys. Not even animals want to be alone. The white gibbon was a circus animal so he couldn't connect with other animals of his own species, he only felt comfortable with young Capuchin monkeys, and they didn't let him be a part of their family, none of them accepted him and he had no one, he called and called and no one answered. The adult monkeys didn't liked him, he was bigger and stronger them them, so they were scared of him, they used their numbers to keep him out of the family. Only the young Capuchin tolerated him, so every year he had to make new friends, because the monkeys out grew him.

       When they become adults they have different perspectives on the events, I guess we all become more judgmental with age.

He is the forever alone gibbon, always on the outside looking in with no one to love and no one to love him back. This is the rule for humans as well, you are the lonely white gibbon until you, per some kind of miracle find another weird white gibbon to be with, then you are the one laughing at the ones who just don't get it.

     We were our love like a medal of honor, your wedding ring is the "I made it, I survived and someone loves me" statement that you wish you could cream at every weird white gibbon. In the name of all the weird ones, you can stop now, we all get it, and we all are trying our best to be happy for all of you.

       Now the unthinkable twist, what if we like to be like this? Are we ready to go against what feels natural to us? Are we forcing ourselves to be happy in our involuntary loneliness or are we discovering another unlikely friendship? Maybe some of us don't need anybody, or even worst, Maybe we don't want to be paired up. Is it resignation, bitterness or an evolutionary leap? Can we redefine what makes us happy, or genetics will always have the last word?

      Love is real. It can be wonderful or it can suck really bad, but it's real. If it never finds you, it's a matter of survival that you find happiness in your life style, if you never fall in love you have no choice but to be happy. However, if the bastard sneaks up on you you can either listen to it or just ignore it. You can really try to be happy taking no risks and making no hard and difficult choices, you will find a way to be alone and contempt. You can be only completely happy if, either love never finds you or if you take chances if it does. Playing it safe never helped anyone helping themselves.

     I'm trying something new, for the thousand time. I will lay low, so low that no one will ever find me. I am in dire need of a break and some peace and quiet. I found that i write about what is on my mind. when i needed courage, or was trying to inspire courage to someone i couldn't write about anything else, and now, it seems that i can only write about relationships and their meaning. I have been thinking about that for quite some time. I'm in search of something new to write about, if i write about what i think, then it's time to start thinking about something different. The time to change is now. Or tomorrow. For sure tomorrow. Monday is the right day to change.

Tomorrow we all change together.

The same place

     He's moving for love, he's in love with a girl in another country and so, obviously he is moving. different country, different "language", different job, friends, house, food, different everything. And he's still moving, after weighing things he came to the conclusion that everything would be worth it if he would be with her, and from what I heard she doesn't even like him like that much. So he's moving for the promise of love, the possibility of being happy with her is better then the security of normal life without her. Is that what love is? Is that bravery? I try, but I can't see the poetic of it. I would move for love. For love of myself, with the complete knowledge that I was doing that to make myself happy, because being with that person would make me happy. What type of person would move for a possibility? Isn't that a bit desperate? Isn't that "Hey i'm here so love me please? Now that we are in the same place and everything is easy and uncomplicated lets really try to be together yes?" It's easy to make it work when you are in the same place. Easier. Isn't that the start of something that is broken to begin with? If it didn't work while it was hard isn't that the ultimate test? If it's "meant to be" shouldn't it survive the hard times and make it trough to the other side? Is that contradictory? A girl who wouldn't move for a possibility thinks true love conquers all. I've heard strangest things.

     Some other friend. She's the one moving. But they tried their best to make it trough a hard and difficult situation, and they did. They worked really hard to make it, the time was also right. Don't take credit away from them. It was hard, and they, so far, made it. That makes me proud, and hopeful and of course, in the true friendship spirit a bit self-conscious with just a pinch of jealousy. Can you be completely happy without that little bit of jealousy from your less fortunate friends? Than how could you be condescending talking with them all the way from your high horse? My horse died a long time ago. Not long enough to stop tormenting my tired should. "I can still recall our last summer, I still see it all.. memories that remain"(insert sad corny ABBA song here). If I had true friends at least one of them should have kicked my ass, when I was oh so righteous on them. Never, ever, ever, again. 

     It's a delightful ride though, you think you can see it all from that impossible high horse, I would suspect it holds a striking resemblance with getting high, you think you can see clearer then ever, but the truth is that it's all a bit foggy.

     They are moving. Anywhere. For love.. Maybe they know something that we are still trying to figure out, maybe the view from inside the fog is much better then out here in the cruel bright real light. I hope for the best. I'm feeling claustrophobic.

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage" Anais Nin

Cosmical balance

     I was talking with a friend of mine about regrets, I forgot to mention one, I tried my best to erase from my memory so i guess it worked. I regret not taking better care of my dog and not loving him the way he loved me. When i was 12 my mother finally gave me permission to go tho the city pound and pick up any dog I wanted, having growned up reading amazing books about this humanly smart dogs, so when I got one I had crazy unreal expectations about it, we were going to be best friends, and he would understand all that I was saying and I wouldn't feel so alone, I would finally know what being loved and understood meant. The messed up ways of my teenager brain. 

      My dog was really smart, he was, in one week he learned all this new tricks, language.. not so much, he was just a normal real dog, but normal for me wasn't even close to what I dreamt he would be. As usual, I thought it was my fault, I was the one who couldn't make him understand me, my incompetence prevented him from being this perfect cartoon animal and I was frustrated at him all the time. But, before all that, I was annoyed, he loved me so much I felt suffocated. How could he do that? He was my shadow, he was only happy when he was with me, on me, around me or looking at me. I hated it. I remember closing my door so he wouldn't get in my room, keeping him away from me. I hated that he loved me so much, it was just to much. 

      My bird does the same now, he loves me so much, he grabs to the bars of his cage every time he sees me, he runs around so he will get as close to me as he can, and if he is out, he has to be on me, looking at me, loving me all the time. I feel like a horrible person, but  I can't stand so much love, so much devotion, just thinking about what he is going to do, I don't even want to look at him. It's just to much. With all the man/boys in my life it was the same, I was never so uninterested and detached from my boyfriends then when they went trough that "crazy in love" phase. I hate that. Why do they want so much? All of them. I fell bad complaining about to much love, but I prefer less, "to much love will kill you" and I never feel so close to dying then when I'm so absolutely loved. 

       Is it cosmical balance that I have a stalker now? Someone that thinks I'm interesting to the point of obsessing without return? Assuming that he is not completely crazy, nor completely uninterested, I'm going for, healthy normal stalker, half way between psychopath and prankster. Now he wants to kiss me, before he just wanted to marry me in a platonic way but now it's getting physical. The police said "It's probably one of your ex-boyfriends" to which I was forced to reply "Oh! trust me, they are all crazy, but not like this". 

      I hate clingliness and neediness and "I wove you so much!!", it's just not me, I don't even like when animals love me so much let alone people, why do we resist pure love? Why disagree with an irrational animal who loves you just because you are good to him and he had no other choice but to make you "his person"? You don't deserve that love because you did almost nothing to get it. They see the good in you and never the bad, so they love you, absolutely and unconditionally, is that why? I might believe that they love you for being good, and they just have no elaborate thoughts about your bad behavior, so it's not real love and you don't deserve it. I loved my dog, i loved him so much that it still hurts when i thing about all the things I should had done differently with him. Maybe it's not love, maybe it's just shame for all the things that I should had done and didn't.

       Maybe it's all just to much, when you have so much love you can't breadth you feel suffocating. I need space, lots and lots of space. Don't you dare to love me more then the right amount, not to little, not to much.Just  the perfect balance between ignoring and obsessing. 

       Dear Mr. Stalker, trust me on this, you really don't want to go anywhere near my mess, next time he calls I will just scream "YOU ARE SMOTHERING ME!!" that will scare him straight..

Bambi

How long should you regret a bad choice? Does it depend on how bad it was? A really bad decision you regret forever or the worse it is the quicker you need to forget and forgive in order to move on? If you feel in charge of the decisions you make regret is unlikely to happen. Ok, to tell you the truth, i'm watching Bambi right now, for the first time, I have this feeling that the mother is going to die, oh.. spoilers alert! sorry about that. It's beautifully well drawn, I love the old movies from Disney, but I'm not sure anyone doesn't. These movies are responsible for the most unreal expectations of life, for girls of course, only girls get influenced by pretty animals and singing princesses, I think boys, when they are young are smarter then girls, they know that none of this is true and there is absolutely no life lesson here, of course it all changes later, women, in general, are better at life then man. Music changed, something bad is about to happen... Why does Disney think that in order to strive you need to lose a parent? Or both? Thank god I'm older, this would be traumatizing if I was a child.. Lion King still makes me so sad, i'm scarred for life with that one, not saying that I still cry, I don't. I do have a permanent idea that that time will be different and that the Mufasa won't die and they will all live happy ever after, but that's normal, and a super healthy approach. " You are walking along, minding your own business, when all of a sudden, you run smack in to a a pretty face, you begin to get weak in the knees, and then you feel light as a feather, and before you know it you are walking on air. And then you know what? You are knocked for a loop, and you completely lose your head. It can happen to anybody" And after that, you screw things up and BAM. you are back where you started. This is a cosmic scheme to get me depressed. Not going to happen, I'm determined to be happy and perfectly contempt with just me. I am going to buy a house, and fill it with cats, I shall become crazy cat lady, my super power will be to trow cats at people, no animal brutality here, I will teach them to land on their claws. I am going to somehow be at peace with what happened. I am just a lonely me doing my best. And sometimes we screw things up. I am going to give myself a break. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Mistakes are lessons in disguise.  I should be freaking Gandhi by now.

I will walk you trough it

I'm freaking out, i was supposed to work this afternoon, and no such luck, i want to look nice and wear a dress, for that i need to shave my legs, and put some cream on them, and then i have to think if only the legs are enough, if i need to be prepared for more, maybe a late dip in to the ocean? maybe he has a swimming pool, maybe i should pack a bikini. No. No bikini and no more shaving, it's more then enough. "If you don't shave you must behave". Don't want to be in a bikini in the middle of the night all alone with this guy. I don't want to cook, it was supposed to be a tea in the sun, what happened to that plan?  how did we get to dinner in the night? Is this a date? nop.. not a date. Why am i working so hard to look pretty? i want someone to think i am, i want external validation as a quick fix of an interior problem. Classic. A part of me just wants someone who wants me. thank god a bigger part of me knows all of that and is able to stay one step ahead from my crazy self. And that's why i'm wearing a pink dress, with mint green shoes, that's why i look lovely, sure, one step ahead.

Ah the supermarket, this isn't weird at all. walking around picking things to cook. I don't want to cook. I love to cook, I love to eat, I do it for the ones i love, even if it's just me, i always cook with love. Not today. I don't want to cook, i have no love for him and i'm running low on self-love. That just reminds me of the ones that i would love to be cooking for. "Ah! look broccoli! he likes that!.. nop.. wrong him, awkward" . I'm staying as far from him as i can, it's extra hard when they want the exact opposite. He thinks this is a date, but it's not. This is, my insanity bill.

He went to take a shower and i'm cooking, why am i doing this? i hate to cook for him, i don't want to do this! If  it was up to me, it would be "Food for no one!". He's here, he smells like a really nice perfume, synthetic. He is next to me, i think i might be feeling a crotch on my ass. "Smell me".( Run, just Run, Stop staying, leave and don't you dare come back), "yeah, i smelled it as soon as you where here, maybe you could do with a little less next time no?" (meanness? why? is it his fault that you are crazy? is it? not really, so suck it up) "but it's a nice smell.." He's grabbing my wrist, he's really trying. I need to say something, i need to say that this ain't ever happening. 

His job was to set the table, and he did. On the balcony, with lights, and a beautiful view. This is shaping up to be a perfect "whateverthisis". I hate perfect things. I'm talking about things that make him uncomfortable, i need company in my misery. I want to clean so bad. Can't wait to leave. Going to the kitchen to clean. Don't know what to do. He made a made up bed on the balcony, with pillows and blankets, and tea, mint. just like me. Ok. I'm so uncomfortable that i need to speak up. I'm giving the "Hey, we are two intellectual people, so we are just thinking that theoretically this could be a good idea, but honestly, if it was supposed to happen it would have happened a long time ago, so i'm saying, i think we should just .. not. So i'm going to pee, and give you a little time to think ok?" I have this thing, apparently i drive boys mute, they just need time to think about what i say. The longest pee of my life. 

I don't think i'm ok after all. I'm grabbing on to the tea string on my wrist, thinking that anything would be better then this. The thing is, i'm comparing it in my head. You always do don't you? This fails in comparison to about anything, but specially when i compare it to recent events. Do you have to settle for something easy, or you should just wait for something special? This is not the place for questions. I want to just live. Just be. I don't want to be his. I can't. I'm not ok. I'm in danger of making a huge ridiculous mistake. In the mood for running. Step away Flash Gordon.

The crazy juice

Well... I'm done drinking the crazy juice. I don't even want to read what the hell i wrote.

     So, life is good, and I'm ok. The truth is, given the choice between being a sad realistic or a happy delusional person, I'm sticking with the second one, actually, there's nothing I can do about it, even if I really wanted I can't be miserable, I was born to be happy. I wish I was born do be wild, but happy works just fine for me. Life is really good, I am blessed with all I have and there is no reason not to be grateful for all of that. It's inevitable that sometimes you will doubt yourself, you will cry and scream the usual "why me?!" And then, it all fades away, You pick yourself up, dust yourself of, use some cliche lines, and you move on.

     I'm broken in a lot of places, and there is no way in hell that i would change that. Being broken made me wiser, when i knew nothing I was an obnoxious, rightful, paranoid, delusional little prick, now i'm just rightful and delusional, it's getting better, eventually i will be a pleasant person. And I swear, I will never be normal.

     I'm stepping off the Crazy train, it was getting out of hand. I'm going to do my best to get a visa to Rational land, I'm cheating on the paperwork, but, i'm gonna live there for a little while, until someone kicks me out as usual. My next choices will be made by my brain, no more letting my heart pick anything, I have the heart of a drunk 6 year old girly princess, the brain of a 80 year old male widow and the gut of something in the middle. Now the old man is calling the shots! And i'm having tea with the perfect-on-paper prince to test him, and reinventing the style for rooftops parties.

Life is good, and we are just fine.