Nightmares

I had a nightmare, this has been going on for a few nights now.

I have a new kind of nightmare, nobody dies in the dream, it only hurts when I wake up.

I dream of a time when I was loved, of a time when I wasn't alone and when I felt safe and a part of something instead of a loose piece.

Everything is calm and so peaceful, in the dream things feel right and natural, like it has always been like that. things aren't complicated and they never got messed up.

It's funny that I don't dream with who still makes me happy. I don't know why I only dream with who broke me. I was happy, so why not you? Why should you dream with the dead?

The dead make me tired when I wake up. I can't sleep anymore. I say it's the morning light in my room, the irony of it fills me. Remind yourself that everything changes, I just can't seem to make my heart learn not to mess with my dreams, my brain feels weird when I wake up.

No

I don't love you

I don't want you

I don't need you

Yes

I miss love

I miss a friend

I miss the warm

None of these things are connected. But sadly the worst is part of the best. The only frame of reference I have ends in a ... way, so that's what I dream of.

I thought I had a new frame, but you were made of watercolors, not even I can build of that.

I am sick. I am a sick potato and i'm turning into Vodka. I hope

Change I must or die I will

I am done with this life, I have no patience left in me. Change I must or die I will. I am not happy, I feel happiness, but I am not happy, it is no longer a part of my life. I am in suspended animation, a dreamless slumber. I am living with the idea of a change, of growing and leaving what doesn't make me happy. I know what it is, I know who they are, I understand what needs to change, I know what I have to do and for now I have to wait, but I am at the end of my rope, either I start living or I'm afraid I will die. what is depression? can you feel? Do you stop seeing? I don't know the difference, I feel that I am nothing now, I can't see anything. It's a miracle on it's own that I don't believe when people tell me that i'm worthless, Yes NOW I am, in this moment I guess you might have a point, but as a person I am better then this. You talk to me as if I am nothing, since I feel like nothing it's a special kind of miracle that I don't believe I am nothing. You lie. You don't know any better and that makes it extra hard to hate you.

You write what you are living, I started this blog writing about things exterior to me, that were opinions, advises, ideas. I scaled down to events and now to self-absorbing things, it's all about me, I hate when it's about me. I will try to find my way back.

If you and me got together. I wouldn't fight you, I wouldn't try to change you, I would try to accept you for all that you are, and in order to do that I would have to lower my expectations about what I deserve, I would, everyday, live with less until there was almost nothing left, You don't give if you can take, and you would take it all and give me nothing. One of these days I would wake up resentful and sad and with such a pain inside. I would be so disappointed at me for having allowed myself "live" with so little. I will never hate you, for it is impossible for a part of me to stop loving you. We will never work, you will never change and I wasn't born for misery. I hope I will stop wishing for things to be different, but I am happy for being able to see them for that they are.

The God I no longer believe exists

Hey.

How are you? Remember me? Remember this?

I am writing you from a very confusing time, I've always wished this worked both ways.

Remember the last time I did this? I was so scared, I needed some advice and after writing it I never felt so alone, there was no answer. But I remember when, 2 years later I re-read it, and it felt so little, so small and unimportant, here's to hoping here's to coping.

So you are going to have surgery, yes. And nothing is going to be the same after it, you will never be just you again it will be you plus whatever parts they put inside, never more you will say this is just me, 100% me, not that I walk around saying that.

I keep thinking about lasts, the last time I will be able to bend this way, the last time I will stand like this, the last time it's just me. I am so scared. There is no turning back, no way you can decide, no this is not for me, take me back to where I was natural. It's going to be a new way of life, relearning how to do everything. living with the fact that you are limited and less of a person. Yes I think I will be less of a person after it, I also think I will hate it, and I will be for ever unable to feel in love with what I am. I feel like the time that I love myself is coming to an end and I will just relearn how to relate to myself without that.

It's a deja-vú all of it has happened and I should draw experience, knowledge and tranquility from the past.

It will be alright, I am stronger then what I give myself credit. I will  find a way to live a happy life because I know no other way to live, it's a good thing, I have no alternative so it's for the best to stop dwelling on the bad part of the future. the part where I won't dance anymore, or do yoga, or feel like myself. but maybe this new self is better then the last one, this one could be better and tougher.

I cringe when I wear "It's not going to be that bad" I know that's what I would say to someone while secretive being so thankful that it wasn't me. I hear that I want to scream "I know you are happy it's me and not you!" oh shit, I want to say that so bad.

"you hadn't had the most active life to begin with"

"yes you little cunt, but now if i want to change I can't THAT'S THE ISSUE!"

"everything is going to be fine"

"oh, did your magic toenail told you that? stop saying bullshit and tell the truth, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT"

"ah you will be so tall"

"yes, finally people will stop pointing at me in the street, my dream come true"

"all the clothes are going to fit you so well!"

"they fit me just fine now! stop telling me that I 'm not enough right now"

Ah the joys of human interaction.

So, I hope that you, me, is, am, having a great active life, not dead, crazy in love with something, finally fit and with a great ass, that the good things outweigh the bad, and that you, me, regret nothing. I hope I'm doing the right thing, and forgive-me, yourself, if you didn't. By the God I no longer believe exists You, Me are just doing, all alone, the best we can. Who can ask for anything else?

One way or the other it will all be over soon.

Writing at last, writing at last

Writing at last, writing at last. The beauties of randomness.

Lately I have been feeling worthless. no point in sugar coating it, it's the truth. I have no job, and i don't want to leave the house. I have things to do that i postpone, just so i can reaffirm the type of person that I feel that i am. Uninteresting and unworthy. I am better then this. I have to be because this is pathetic and dangerous.

I feel my brain is turning in to mush, it took me 2 moves to lose at chess.

Sometimes you outgrow your friends, I miss some of them. I feel sad that some of them decided that they were too busy, too cool, or just too happy to keep in touch. I am talking about you, you are not to busy, you are just not interested in trying. And that's ok, but by the way, screw you. Don't count on me to be a bottomless pit of happiness for you when you don't give a damn. so yeah. Fork you and don't bother me with your silence anymore.

What else.. I guess i will ease into this.. tadah  for now.

This is me saying something

What do you say to people when you should say goodbye? I have a lot of people to whom i should say something, just in case i'm not here to tell it myself, so i'm going to leave it here, you chose what you would like me to say to you, you chose this ending. This is somehow a gift, I am giving you whatever you want, take it, now it's yours.

- You are my best friend, a small part of me is you. We don't always get along, but I will always be here for you, same way you would be for me. I really love you. you are the only person that I consider to be irreplaceable. The only one i really don't know if I could live without.  

- I'm sorry I didn't notice you, I'm sure we would have been very happy. I screwed up not realizing how great you were. Please forgive me.

- You annoy me so much, half of the time I don't know why we are still friends, you piss me off with your stupid way of talking ans way of being, I like you, I like the quiet concept of you. When you talk I never remember why we are still friends. Silence is gold.

- You are good, you are much better then you think you are, I don't care if you believe or not, I will always think you are good, I am bad at this, but I'm not that bad. You are good, that's the truth, you know you are good, I just think you could be great. I see how great you can be. I have great expectations for you, don't let yourself down.

- You were kind to me. You helped me when I didn't even knew I needed it, that's why I will always be kind to you, but you my friend are a blessing in disguise. You are so hard to love, and when you mistreat me it just makes it even harder, but you are like my cousin and well, it's that thing of unconditional love. I know you don't feel the same way but that's ok, I never saved you. Yet.

- Our friendship is built, it's a castle, it's strong and needs very little upkeep. I hope I didn't left it unattended for too long. You are one of my persons, doesn't matter if we haven't spoken in forever. I've always been your friend, I would always be. 

- Don't let anything but yourself define you. People and events are unkind to you and more often then not, unfair. Stop allowing what happens to you make you. You are way better then that. You are kind and you are lovely, and of course you are amazing.

- I don't hate you, I don't resent you, I don't wish you anything but the best. I get why you did what you did, I acknowledge my guilt in what ever happened, if it means anything to you, I forgive you and i'm sorry for whatever I did. Hey, we made it trough, we are both fine. I'm really fine.

- Maybe you were the one. But probably you weren't. 

What happened?

Back to emancipation

The night has passed, and I’m alive and in great spirits, going to be sleepy in 20min for sure, but I will try to be the sober life of the party, that’s not me, I will leave that for the drunk French girls, there are quite a lot of them so it’s fine, the life of the party shall not be vacant. I think I might be a chicken, it can happen to the best of us, and I think that’s what I am, for such an emancipated girl I sure find a lot of excuses not to do shtuff, “just kiss 10 boys” or “he’s a friend of a friend” or even “he’s just not my type”, staying on that subject, evidently my type is the one that’s unavailable, if they want me then I think I will just go with a super condescending and idiotic “meh” and stay the hell away from that. So this so far could be because if they really like me there is something wrong with them, or because they don’t really know me, or because a guy liking me is living proof of the impossibility of the whole “My best friend’s wedding theory”, and we all know how scientific that one is. So I talked with an ex-something and reached the brilliant conclusion that it has to be something that grows in a parallel way with your own affections, if they like me more then I like them I will “meh” them, and if I like them more we go back to the 20sec challenge, ‘cause that was fun.

So back to emancipation, evidently that’s not my case, and I just come up with a ton of excuses to justify the fact that I’m a prude. And I have to say, I have a somewhat dirty/creative mind and an even worse mouth, and on top of that no shame whatsoever. In my latest expedition to “No Shame Land” I ended up with an uncuddelable bed mate, he’s nice, lucky he’s nice and doesn’t stink.  Anyway, maybe I’m a prude, I have to go and read the meaning of that one just to be sure what is my new self-definition usually it means the opposite of a slut, and for sure I’m not a slut, I would bring such same to the house of sluts, they would never be able to show their boobs in public again! Ah, simpler times..

I am an un-emancipated prude and so, I need a t-shirt. Proud and prude. Rocking the prudness. Emancipation is overrated. The 40’s were the golden days. I am prude and un-emancipated and so I asked permission to make this lousy turtleneck.. It’s a work in progress, I am a recent prude after all.