13

13 and not turning into anything interesting. It’s when you start wanting to be interesting to others It’s that age when you start to want to be a part of someone’s fantasies. It was not personal, a rock could do that, but it’s when you start developing your sexual identity. I go to the doctor, I have a weird looking waist, it’s more pronounced in one side not a big deal, it’s just uneven. X-ray and I have the first picture of my spine, it’s not what it was supposed to be, it has a detour, it’s a lovely S. At 40 degrees you get surgery, I had the lucky 57. So here I go. My mother takes advantage of this excellent opportunity to pretend to be an interested mother, it’s perfect, she loves crisis, she gets to prove that she is there for us, but only if it’s a short crisis, otherwise she loses interest and you are left to deal with it. She has crisis ADD. We went to this osteopathic doctor, and he says that my curve is affecting my emotional balance and my ability to feel happy in a constant way, I have a curve that makes me unbalanced, and the irony is not lost in me. So he tells my mother that I can’t sleep on my side, just on my back and without a pillow, and if she could get a wooden board for me to sleep on it would be perfect. All to which she complies without question, it was not her so it’s all fine. She should also wear a vest. A hard plastic thing that you wear 24h a day underneath your clothes but always with an undershirt, even in summer. So we went vest and track suits shopping because it was the only thing I could wear with it.

I’m in high school, in a new school, I don’t know anyone and I looked like this athletic person when in reality I hate running and I couldn’t move. I made friends despite it, and even some guys decided that they liked me, bless their hormonal souls, but no one knew. I had no power over what was happening to me, my mother decided for me and left me alone to deal with the consequences of her choices, even if that’s not what she meant, that’s how it felt to me so I guess in the end there is no difference. After some time, one year, two years don’t really remember I started to lie, I lied to everyone, I was good, it was perfect lies and no one caught me. I lied about borrowing clothes, about where I was, about if I was wearing it or not, some of them were lies by omission. There is no difference. I was lying to my sister and she started to cry, she was so sad so disappointed at me for lying to her, I will never forget her face. I have no more lies in my life.

I went to a consult and I had 24º or something like that that to me, translated in “you are free, you are finally free”, so I stopped wearing it, and I shouldn't have, no one did anything to stop me, my mother’s ADD kicked in so there was no one paying attention to what I was doing and I did what I wanted. She blames me for not being better, she thinks it’s all my fault for making such a bad decision, she lets me know that often. She made me do it, my opinion didn't matter at all, but now it’s on me, it’s my responsibility it’s all my fault that I’m not perfect like I should be. The first time I was going to the beach with my ex-mother in law my mother said to me “you should keep your shirt on, she might not like you for her son when she sees your back”, such a lovely person. She kept me from trying this things that I always wanted to do, like ice skating and surfing because they might not be good to me, I can only blame myself for listening to her and not doing them.

 I went to another consult, first one in 7 years, the doctor said that I can do anything I want, no restrictions except lifting weights, endless possibilities just opened for me, and I’m scared to grab them all. I had to always play it safe, I had to be super careful and responsible and now I can do whatever I want to do. I will die from all this freedom. I’m not better, but I’m not worse, and I kicked my mother out of my consultations so it’s just me and my sister who keeps telling me that it’s not as bad as it could be, she is still pregnant and if she knows what’s good for her she will stay pregnant for as long as she tells me things like that, for you cannot hit a knocked up lady. Everyone wants me to have surgery, I can wake up from it and never walk again, not to mention that I could not wake up at all, so if I do it, I will do it because I want it, it’s the only way you can live with the consequences of your choice. If I do it, it will be for me, it will be because I think it’s the best for me, just like a smart grown up should do. I should know, I asked a few of them. Pff! I don’t know any smart grownups thank god!  

Number Zero

I have written a thousand posts, on, two, eight, every day. I can’t seem to have the time nor the energy to write them down, but that’s not the reason, I think I had a hole somewhere and now that I know it’s there I can try to do something about it. I beg the pardon of every person who was counting on this to make a small contribution to their day, I feel unworthy of all your attention. I will do my best to never fail you again. I made a restart. So now I am restarted and fully rested.

Number One: I’m never going to let my kids watch cartoons, doesn't your soul curl inside every time a child pretends to be a cartoon? With those stupid noises and body comedy, like when they pretend to run into a wall, and do the whole routine. That’s grounds to give a child up. Can you imagine a home for kids that were ditched by their parents because of, totally viable reasons that are just not accepted by society? “I’m a selfish little prick” “I scream to get my parent’s attention” “I think I’m a princess” “I think I’m a cartoon” “I’m useless” … kids are born these perfect little things, the people who raise them are the ones who screw them up. Having a kid who pretends to be a cartoon could be grounds to be excomungated if that still meant anything.

Number Two: I was walking the other day, in my favorite beach, in the most perfect day off all, with my mp3 blasting the best music, and then all of the sudden, our music started to play, I could not breath, My body wanted to shut down I had to stop. It took me by surprise, I am fine, I am done and I am over all of that. I have no regrets but something literally started to hurt inside of me, I have no idea what it was, but it was there, I think it’s unfinished, my thing with you is unfinished, not dead but not alive either, it’s suspended. It feels like an open door, not a door, it’s an open window, so tall that you can’t reach it but you for sure can see the light. This possibility kills me but it also lights me up.

Number Three: You little piece of shit! Who the f*** do you think you are to just ignore me? You are not too busy to reply to me, I was your friend even when you knew way better than me what was going on, how you were screwing with me, you knew! And I had no idea. You good for nothing worthless sample of a man! I am going to smash it, swear to all the gods I will smash it to bits, I will film it and make you watch. Who are you to decide that we are not friends anymore? I was nothing but kind to you. Why are you being so mean to me then? Why do I let you be in my life if you don’t bring me any joy?

Number Four: Your friends think you are in love with me, they tease you about it and you over compensate it by mistreating me, you don’t love me in the romantic way they think they saw, but you love me, and I love you, in a very platonic way. But why does the idea of us together makes you so uncomfortable? Could it be true? Please don’t let it be true, I love that I can sleep with you and feel completely safe, I love that I can just hug you for as long as I need and you don’t read too much into it, nor do I get the feeling that you just let me do that to feel my boobs. I love that we are friends, please don’t let that change you idiot. I need all the friends I can get.

Number Five: The definition of completion must be this, a bike, a beach a sunset and an mp3 with just the right music. The feeling that you have when you don’t want to change a single thing in that moment is incredible. It’s so sad that you want to change so many things in a normal day, maybe it’s just me, and maybe it’s only me that wants to change all the stuff in her life.

Number Six: So I met this Italian guys, and I was shocked, they were so nice and funny, and actually smart. Good for Italy for still being able to produce two very good specimens of the male side of the specie. Don’t get me wrong, I met my fare share of handsome Italians, but none of them was even remotely nice, there is just something about them. One of these Italians had an amazing insight about this conundrum, he thinks that Italians in vacations have this panties seeking radar, and that is all they see. But in their main land they are normal people, normal nice guys, as nice as a******* on vacation can be in their “real life”. So now we update the idea that all Italian guys suck, to the hope filled new plan that “All Italian guys suck when they are on vacation”. Congrats Italy.

Number Seven:  People ask you if you want to get married, or if you want to have kids. You have this idea. So this was an evolution for me. First I wanted it all, wanted to marry my first love and have four kids, I had this clear idea that every kid deserves to have a brother and a sister so four was the magic number, that was all that I wanted, I just wanted a person to go on the ride with me. When I was alone again, I refused to think about that, decided that since I would probably die alone I should just deny that, and convince myself that I didn't wanted any of those things so I would say that I didn't wanted to get married nor kids. So now that I think I’m ok again I had some kind of an epiphany. So now I want to find someone that makes me want these things. If you have a job opening you are looking for someone to fill that position, but I want something more, I want someone that makes me want to do those things, so from now on my, hopefully more elucidated answer will be “I don’t know what will happen to me, It all depends on what life brings”. I think it’s even smarter that I have no idea if this is better or worse.

Number Eight: I am the worst at reading people, it took me a long time to admit that, I thought I was good at it, but the evidences started to pile up, I make incredible wrong judgment of the people I meet. Now I know why, I mirror on them what I wish to see, I find in them the little things that give me hope that they are just like I want them to be. But they are what they are no matter what you want them to be, so the bottom line is, I suck at reading people. But I have this friend, and I have this feeling that he has one of those “forever” types of love to give, and he wants to give it, it’s hard to walk away from someone who could love you forever. I thought I had something like that and turns out it wasn't forever and yet another proof of how little I read people. The other time I was sure it wasn't for ever and it wasn't so if we forget the other five thousand times I was wrong you could say that I was getting better at this. He is coming here, and he could stay here and it would be something.

Number Nine: I am stranded in an island, It’s an island made of work and weirdness, and all around me are incredible good looking people, that are partying all the time and having a blast, never the awkward potato was a more accurate title to describe me, but I’m a bicycle riding potato, hopefully I will have incredible legs by the time this is all over, hurray for that.. I need a network system here, I have nothing and no one and that’s just not my style. I am going to do things, but what I can do now is just establish connections with a much older crowd. Well, I can do anything I want, and I say, let’s try to do both!

Number Ten:   “What we want to be and what we feel are two different things”