13

13 and not turning into anything interesting. It’s when you start wanting to be interesting to others It’s that age when you start to want to be a part of someone’s fantasies. It was not personal, a rock could do that, but it’s when you start developing your sexual identity. I go to the doctor, I have a weird looking waist, it’s more pronounced in one side not a big deal, it’s just uneven. X-ray and I have the first picture of my spine, it’s not what it was supposed to be, it has a detour, it’s a lovely S. At 40 degrees you get surgery, I had the lucky 57. So here I go. My mother takes advantage of this excellent opportunity to pretend to be an interested mother, it’s perfect, she loves crisis, she gets to prove that she is there for us, but only if it’s a short crisis, otherwise she loses interest and you are left to deal with it. She has crisis ADD. We went to this osteopathic doctor, and he says that my curve is affecting my emotional balance and my ability to feel happy in a constant way, I have a curve that makes me unbalanced, and the irony is not lost in me. So he tells my mother that I can’t sleep on my side, just on my back and without a pillow, and if she could get a wooden board for me to sleep on it would be perfect. All to which she complies without question, it was not her so it’s all fine. She should also wear a vest. A hard plastic thing that you wear 24h a day underneath your clothes but always with an undershirt, even in summer. So we went vest and track suits shopping because it was the only thing I could wear with it.

I’m in high school, in a new school, I don’t know anyone and I looked like this athletic person when in reality I hate running and I couldn’t move. I made friends despite it, and even some guys decided that they liked me, bless their hormonal souls, but no one knew. I had no power over what was happening to me, my mother decided for me and left me alone to deal with the consequences of her choices, even if that’s not what she meant, that’s how it felt to me so I guess in the end there is no difference. After some time, one year, two years don’t really remember I started to lie, I lied to everyone, I was good, it was perfect lies and no one caught me. I lied about borrowing clothes, about where I was, about if I was wearing it or not, some of them were lies by omission. There is no difference. I was lying to my sister and she started to cry, she was so sad so disappointed at me for lying to her, I will never forget her face. I have no more lies in my life.

I went to a consult and I had 24º or something like that that to me, translated in “you are free, you are finally free”, so I stopped wearing it, and I shouldn't have, no one did anything to stop me, my mother’s ADD kicked in so there was no one paying attention to what I was doing and I did what I wanted. She blames me for not being better, she thinks it’s all my fault for making such a bad decision, she lets me know that often. She made me do it, my opinion didn't matter at all, but now it’s on me, it’s my responsibility it’s all my fault that I’m not perfect like I should be. The first time I was going to the beach with my ex-mother in law my mother said to me “you should keep your shirt on, she might not like you for her son when she sees your back”, such a lovely person. She kept me from trying this things that I always wanted to do, like ice skating and surfing because they might not be good to me, I can only blame myself for listening to her and not doing them.

 I went to another consult, first one in 7 years, the doctor said that I can do anything I want, no restrictions except lifting weights, endless possibilities just opened for me, and I’m scared to grab them all. I had to always play it safe, I had to be super careful and responsible and now I can do whatever I want to do. I will die from all this freedom. I’m not better, but I’m not worse, and I kicked my mother out of my consultations so it’s just me and my sister who keeps telling me that it’s not as bad as it could be, she is still pregnant and if she knows what’s good for her she will stay pregnant for as long as she tells me things like that, for you cannot hit a knocked up lady. Everyone wants me to have surgery, I can wake up from it and never walk again, not to mention that I could not wake up at all, so if I do it, I will do it because I want it, it’s the only way you can live with the consequences of your choice. If I do it, it will be for me, it will be because I think it’s the best for me, just like a smart grown up should do. I should know, I asked a few of them. Pff! I don’t know any smart grownups thank god!