Projecting my shit

I have always put my thoughts into writing, it’s my way of understanding them. There is nothing like the feeling of seeing your ghosts take a shape that you can touch, writing makes it all real, and reality is always clearer then, I guess everything non real. I wrote something called “the diary of our breakup” where I would write for pages and pages about what I was thinking and feeling, and the reason I did that is because I was sick of listening to myself, if I was sick, I can only imagine how my friends were, I wrote so I would keep my friends, I will be there if any of them needs me, but I’m not sure I would have ability to be as kind and patient with any of them would the situation be reversed. And that’s how you know you don’t deserve them. I was looking for something else and I found some letters, letters I wrote a long time ago, and for someone who doesn’t believe in coincidences they sure do happen. Some time ago I was talking to my friend and she was in a similar situation to mine, to be clear, my ex traded me for another person just because he wanted more sex, something like that. Some years ago her boyfriend did the same thing, and after it happened she thought “ok, that’s out of your system now we can pick up where we left off”, and she thought I was going to do the same thing. I was so stunned that I didn’t even say that that thought never even crossed my mind. This entire possibility that I could just be ok with everything and have such a rational approach to this was inconceivable to me. And I’m a bit ashamed to admit that I have been thinking about the what if’s of the question, but today I found some letters, and in one of them I said “I assure you that no matter how much I want you back, I will never do anything to make that happen. And if you want me back in your life you will have to change so much, and I’m not even sure I’m worth all of that”. Little pearls of wisdom! I’m so happy that I wasn't a complete idiot, I will sleep without my idiot self tonight, she’s uninvited.

There’s a guy who never recognizes me, we met seven times in the past month, and he never knows who I am, and that’s the perfect reality check in the world. Good for you for not knowing who I am! Although I’m starting to get annoyed at it, I think it’s for the best, it’s refreshing and new and just the right amount of irritating. This is where interest goes to die.

Tonight I was feeling sad, and alone. I miss my friend, and a little bit more than that. I was sitting in the garden, getting bitten by everything that was there and feeling grateful that my dog was there with me just leaning a little bit against my back, just enough so he could still be in petting range. So I’m thinking that it sucks that my neighbors are having what sounds like an awesome party and I was there all alone, thinking how much I missed the idea of someone. And then my dog, who weighs at least 25kg started trying to get in my lap, like when he was a puppy, of course he could only fit one leg, a head and part of the shoulder blade on my lap, leaving the rest of it, hanging ridiculously on the floor, in what seemed like the most uncomfortable position in the world, he just wanted to be held for a little bit, and although I am one hundred per cent projecting my shit on my dog, I had this feeling of democracy, we all just want to be held and completely loved, even if it’s just for as long as we can withstand the ridiculous pose, so if we are all searching for the same al alone, then we have each other’s miserable company, all except me, I’m a blast..