The Epiphany

I downloaded the movie “my best friend’s wedding” the other day. I like that movie, always have, and I remembered that I saw it when I was really young and then it was forgotten for a long time, but as I was seeing it I remembered that I was deeply impressed by the movie, for me the message was “you will never be the chosen one, you will love with all your heart but in the end he will always chose another one, another more perfect one and you must find a way to be ok with that because it is as it should be” this became a secret percussion in my mind, my dolls had a incredible sad love life, filled with sorrow and stoicism. Part of it I am blaming on my parents marriage, but I had this distinct and clear idea that a good part of it can be traced back to this movie, so in my mind I think I have conditioned all of my relationships to this, I always braced for disaster. I think I had a much relevant role in their incredible explosive ending then I thought. Maybe I chose things that were meant for failure, people that I knew were leaving and I always knew that it would never work but I guess I craved the confirmation of this prerogative and I allowed myself to get sad when the proverbial shit hit the proverbial fan. This was kind of an epiphany, maybe I deliberately chose things that would blow up on my face just because it was I was wired to expect. I had a boyfriend, he had a million faults and he was a son of a female dog when we broke up, but now maybe, I had a lot to do with it, maybe my responsibility is much bigger, maybe I wasn’t flexible on purpose to see how thinly I could stretch his limits. Maybe I knew all along that doing what I was doing would lead to that inevitable end and I was powerless to stop it just because I wanted to see the result, I wanted to be proven right, I think in the end I wanted the power to say “I always knew this would end like this, I always knew I wouldn’t be the chosen on” more then I wanted to be happy. This is very saddening. I am thorn between being disappointed with myself or being happy that I finally got to the bottom of this question. I will replay this in my head a thousand times until I juice out all the possible meanings and implications of this discovery. In the mean time I will do my best to be happy with the fact that somehow I managed to find people that try to prove me wrong and that maybe now that I know this I won’t make the same mistake, maybe now when I see the headlights I will be able to move out of the way instead of getting hit with the car to prove a point. There is some deep shit going on here.