Writing at last, writing at last

Writing at last, writing at last. The beauties of randomness.

Lately I have been feeling worthless. no point in sugar coating it, it's the truth. I have no job, and i don't want to leave the house. I have things to do that i postpone, just so i can reaffirm the type of person that I feel that i am. Uninteresting and unworthy. I am better then this. I have to be because this is pathetic and dangerous.

I feel my brain is turning in to mush, it took me 2 moves to lose at chess.

Sometimes you outgrow your friends, I miss some of them. I feel sad that some of them decided that they were too busy, too cool, or just too happy to keep in touch. I am talking about you, you are not to busy, you are just not interested in trying. And that's ok, but by the way, screw you. Don't count on me to be a bottomless pit of happiness for you when you don't give a damn. so yeah. Fork you and don't bother me with your silence anymore.

What else.. I guess i will ease into this.. tadah  for now.

This is me saying something

What do you say to people when you should say goodbye? I have a lot of people to whom i should say something, just in case i'm not here to tell it myself, so i'm going to leave it here, you chose what you would like me to say to you, you chose this ending. This is somehow a gift, I am giving you whatever you want, take it, now it's yours.

- You are my best friend, a small part of me is you. We don't always get along, but I will always be here for you, same way you would be for me. I really love you. you are the only person that I consider to be irreplaceable. The only one i really don't know if I could live without.  

- I'm sorry I didn't notice you, I'm sure we would have been very happy. I screwed up not realizing how great you were. Please forgive me.

- You annoy me so much, half of the time I don't know why we are still friends, you piss me off with your stupid way of talking ans way of being, I like you, I like the quiet concept of you. When you talk I never remember why we are still friends. Silence is gold.

- You are good, you are much better then you think you are, I don't care if you believe or not, I will always think you are good, I am bad at this, but I'm not that bad. You are good, that's the truth, you know you are good, I just think you could be great. I see how great you can be. I have great expectations for you, don't let yourself down.

- You were kind to me. You helped me when I didn't even knew I needed it, that's why I will always be kind to you, but you my friend are a blessing in disguise. You are so hard to love, and when you mistreat me it just makes it even harder, but you are like my cousin and well, it's that thing of unconditional love. I know you don't feel the same way but that's ok, I never saved you. Yet.

- Our friendship is built, it's a castle, it's strong and needs very little upkeep. I hope I didn't left it unattended for too long. You are one of my persons, doesn't matter if we haven't spoken in forever. I've always been your friend, I would always be. 

- Don't let anything but yourself define you. People and events are unkind to you and more often then not, unfair. Stop allowing what happens to you make you. You are way better then that. You are kind and you are lovely, and of course you are amazing.

- I don't hate you, I don't resent you, I don't wish you anything but the best. I get why you did what you did, I acknowledge my guilt in what ever happened, if it means anything to you, I forgive you and i'm sorry for whatever I did. Hey, we made it trough, we are both fine. I'm really fine.

- Maybe you were the one. But probably you weren't. 

What happened?

Back to emancipation

The night has passed, and I’m alive and in great spirits, going to be sleepy in 20min for sure, but I will try to be the sober life of the party, that’s not me, I will leave that for the drunk French girls, there are quite a lot of them so it’s fine, the life of the party shall not be vacant. I think I might be a chicken, it can happen to the best of us, and I think that’s what I am, for such an emancipated girl I sure find a lot of excuses not to do shtuff, “just kiss 10 boys” or “he’s a friend of a friend” or even “he’s just not my type”, staying on that subject, evidently my type is the one that’s unavailable, if they want me then I think I will just go with a super condescending and idiotic “meh” and stay the hell away from that. So this so far could be because if they really like me there is something wrong with them, or because they don’t really know me, or because a guy liking me is living proof of the impossibility of the whole “My best friend’s wedding theory”, and we all know how scientific that one is. So I talked with an ex-something and reached the brilliant conclusion that it has to be something that grows in a parallel way with your own affections, if they like me more then I like them I will “meh” them, and if I like them more we go back to the 20sec challenge, ‘cause that was fun.

So back to emancipation, evidently that’s not my case, and I just come up with a ton of excuses to justify the fact that I’m a prude. And I have to say, I have a somewhat dirty/creative mind and an even worse mouth, and on top of that no shame whatsoever. In my latest expedition to “No Shame Land” I ended up with an uncuddelable bed mate, he’s nice, lucky he’s nice and doesn’t stink.  Anyway, maybe I’m a prude, I have to go and read the meaning of that one just to be sure what is my new self-definition usually it means the opposite of a slut, and for sure I’m not a slut, I would bring such same to the house of sluts, they would never be able to show their boobs in public again! Ah, simpler times..

I am an un-emancipated prude and so, I need a t-shirt. Proud and prude. Rocking the prudness. Emancipation is overrated. The 40’s were the golden days. I am prude and un-emancipated and so I asked permission to make this lousy turtleneck.. It’s a work in progress, I am a recent prude after all. 

The Epiphany

I downloaded the movie “my best friend’s wedding” the other day. I like that movie, always have, and I remembered that I saw it when I was really young and then it was forgotten for a long time, but as I was seeing it I remembered that I was deeply impressed by the movie, for me the message was “you will never be the chosen one, you will love with all your heart but in the end he will always chose another one, another more perfect one and you must find a way to be ok with that because it is as it should be” this became a secret percussion in my mind, my dolls had a incredible sad love life, filled with sorrow and stoicism. Part of it I am blaming on my parents marriage, but I had this distinct and clear idea that a good part of it can be traced back to this movie, so in my mind I think I have conditioned all of my relationships to this, I always braced for disaster. I think I had a much relevant role in their incredible explosive ending then I thought. Maybe I chose things that were meant for failure, people that I knew were leaving and I always knew that it would never work but I guess I craved the confirmation of this prerogative and I allowed myself to get sad when the proverbial shit hit the proverbial fan. This was kind of an epiphany, maybe I deliberately chose things that would blow up on my face just because it was I was wired to expect. I had a boyfriend, he had a million faults and he was a son of a female dog when we broke up, but now maybe, I had a lot to do with it, maybe my responsibility is much bigger, maybe I wasn’t flexible on purpose to see how thinly I could stretch his limits. Maybe I knew all along that doing what I was doing would lead to that inevitable end and I was powerless to stop it just because I wanted to see the result, I wanted to be proven right, I think in the end I wanted the power to say “I always knew this would end like this, I always knew I wouldn’t be the chosen on” more then I wanted to be happy. This is very saddening. I am thorn between being disappointed with myself or being happy that I finally got to the bottom of this question. I will replay this in my head a thousand times until I juice out all the possible meanings and implications of this discovery. In the mean time I will do my best to be happy with the fact that somehow I managed to find people that try to prove me wrong and that maybe now that I know this I won’t make the same mistake, maybe now when I see the headlights I will be able to move out of the way instead of getting hit with the car to prove a point. There is some deep shit going on here.

Dr Phil said

I was just told that due to my lovely temper there is a great possibility that I won’t be able to make someone happy for a long time, the exact words were “I don’t think you can make someone happy, I mean, for a long time. For a little time sure, but not for ever”.  There are only two people whose opinion I even consider, this pearl of wisdom came from one of them of course. I don’t think it is true, I know I can make someone happy, for as long as they make me happy. Fuck her! I feel very immature for letting this get to me, so who cares if she has this misconception about who I am. First, I can be whatever I want, second, I can do whatever I want, so if I want to be happy and to make someone happy that’s what I will do. And by the way, fuck her! I am, probably almost, done with letting others opinions of me influence my notion of self worth. I thought about this and I prefer to be out of touch with reality then to live others realities for me. Who died and made her king of all reason? She doesn’t know shit, and that’s fine, it’s not like it’s her fault, if I don’t tell her who I am then her misconceptions are my responsibility. With that being said, I really have no intention of changing, I am tired of accommodating her needs and her feelings, and I return I just get this lovely feedbacks about what she thinks of me. A lot of people would like for me to want to make them happy, and just because they have no firm grasp of reality that doesn’t mean that I am worthless. Fuck her! You only get so angry when you love someone, and sure, I would love for her to be proud of me, actually I don’t want to aim so high, if she could just stop calling me names I would appreciate it, peace would be enough, I have no need for victory. Dr Phil said “do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” so I don’t want to be right, I just want to be at peace. Who the hell does she think she is? She is not the omniscient representative for all the reason on earth! She is just a lonely person trying her best, I know it, and everyone else knows it, except her. Don’t you dare try to tell her this, you will be labeled as arrogant and all your posterior opinions will be disregard as the “makings of a madman”. Fuck her. Fuck her opinion, Fuck her ideas, Fuck her need to be right,, Fuck her loneliness, Fuck her misconceptions, Fuck her rudeness, Fuck everything that I don’t agree with. If you have some time to spare, Fuck me as well. 

Much obliged. 

Projecting my shit

I have always put my thoughts into writing, it’s my way of understanding them. There is nothing like the feeling of seeing your ghosts take a shape that you can touch, writing makes it all real, and reality is always clearer then, I guess everything non real. I wrote something called “the diary of our breakup” where I would write for pages and pages about what I was thinking and feeling, and the reason I did that is because I was sick of listening to myself, if I was sick, I can only imagine how my friends were, I wrote so I would keep my friends, I will be there if any of them needs me, but I’m not sure I would have ability to be as kind and patient with any of them would the situation be reversed. And that’s how you know you don’t deserve them. I was looking for something else and I found some letters, letters I wrote a long time ago, and for someone who doesn’t believe in coincidences they sure do happen. Some time ago I was talking to my friend and she was in a similar situation to mine, to be clear, my ex traded me for another person just because he wanted more sex, something like that. Some years ago her boyfriend did the same thing, and after it happened she thought “ok, that’s out of your system now we can pick up where we left off”, and she thought I was going to do the same thing. I was so stunned that I didn’t even say that that thought never even crossed my mind. This entire possibility that I could just be ok with everything and have such a rational approach to this was inconceivable to me. And I’m a bit ashamed to admit that I have been thinking about the what if’s of the question, but today I found some letters, and in one of them I said “I assure you that no matter how much I want you back, I will never do anything to make that happen. And if you want me back in your life you will have to change so much, and I’m not even sure I’m worth all of that”. Little pearls of wisdom! I’m so happy that I wasn't a complete idiot, I will sleep without my idiot self tonight, she’s uninvited.

There’s a guy who never recognizes me, we met seven times in the past month, and he never knows who I am, and that’s the perfect reality check in the world. Good for you for not knowing who I am! Although I’m starting to get annoyed at it, I think it’s for the best, it’s refreshing and new and just the right amount of irritating. This is where interest goes to die.

Tonight I was feeling sad, and alone. I miss my friend, and a little bit more than that. I was sitting in the garden, getting bitten by everything that was there and feeling grateful that my dog was there with me just leaning a little bit against my back, just enough so he could still be in petting range. So I’m thinking that it sucks that my neighbors are having what sounds like an awesome party and I was there all alone, thinking how much I missed the idea of someone. And then my dog, who weighs at least 25kg started trying to get in my lap, like when he was a puppy, of course he could only fit one leg, a head and part of the shoulder blade on my lap, leaving the rest of it, hanging ridiculously on the floor, in what seemed like the most uncomfortable position in the world, he just wanted to be held for a little bit, and although I am one hundred per cent projecting my shit on my dog, I had this feeling of democracy, we all just want to be held and completely loved, even if it’s just for as long as we can withstand the ridiculous pose, so if we are all searching for the same al alone, then we have each other’s miserable company, all except me, I’m a blast..