Writing at last, writing at last

Writing at last, writing at last. The beauties of randomness.

Lately I have been feeling worthless. no point in sugar coating it, it's the truth. I have no job, and i don't want to leave the house. I have things to do that i postpone, just so i can reaffirm the type of person that I feel that i am. Uninteresting and unworthy. I am better then this. I have to be because this is pathetic and dangerous.

I feel my brain is turning in to mush, it took me 2 moves to lose at chess.

Sometimes you outgrow your friends, I miss some of them. I feel sad that some of them decided that they were too busy, too cool, or just too happy to keep in touch. I am talking about you, you are not to busy, you are just not interested in trying. And that's ok, but by the way, screw you. Don't count on me to be a bottomless pit of happiness for you when you don't give a damn. so yeah. Fork you and don't bother me with your silence anymore.

What else.. I guess i will ease into this.. tadah  for now.

This is me saying something

What do you say to people when you should say goodbye? I have a lot of people to whom i should say something, just in case i'm not here to tell it myself, so i'm going to leave it here, you chose what you would like me to say to you, you chose this ending. This is somehow a gift, I am giving you whatever you want, take it, now it's yours.

- You are my best friend, a small part of me is you. We don't always get along, but I will always be here for you, same way you would be for me. I really love you. you are the only person that I consider to be irreplaceable. The only one i really don't know if I could live without.  

- I'm sorry I didn't notice you, I'm sure we would have been very happy. I screwed up not realizing how great you were. Please forgive me.

- You annoy me so much, half of the time I don't know why we are still friends, you piss me off with your stupid way of talking ans way of being, I like you, I like the quiet concept of you. When you talk I never remember why we are still friends. Silence is gold.

- You are good, you are much better then you think you are, I don't care if you believe or not, I will always think you are good, I am bad at this, but I'm not that bad. You are good, that's the truth, you know you are good, I just think you could be great. I see how great you can be. I have great expectations for you, don't let yourself down.

- You were kind to me. You helped me when I didn't even knew I needed it, that's why I will always be kind to you, but you my friend are a blessing in disguise. You are so hard to love, and when you mistreat me it just makes it even harder, but you are like my cousin and well, it's that thing of unconditional love. I know you don't feel the same way but that's ok, I never saved you. Yet.

- Our friendship is built, it's a castle, it's strong and needs very little upkeep. I hope I didn't left it unattended for too long. You are one of my persons, doesn't matter if we haven't spoken in forever. I've always been your friend, I would always be. 

- Don't let anything but yourself define you. People and events are unkind to you and more often then not, unfair. Stop allowing what happens to you make you. You are way better then that. You are kind and you are lovely, and of course you are amazing.

- I don't hate you, I don't resent you, I don't wish you anything but the best. I get why you did what you did, I acknowledge my guilt in what ever happened, if it means anything to you, I forgive you and i'm sorry for whatever I did. Hey, we made it trough, we are both fine. I'm really fine.

- Maybe you were the one. But probably you weren't. 

What happened?

Back to emancipation

The night has passed, and I’m alive and in great spirits, going to be sleepy in 20min for sure, but I will try to be the sober life of the party, that’s not me, I will leave that for the drunk French girls, there are quite a lot of them so it’s fine, the life of the party shall not be vacant. I think I might be a chicken, it can happen to the best of us, and I think that’s what I am, for such an emancipated girl I sure find a lot of excuses not to do shtuff, “just kiss 10 boys” or “he’s a friend of a friend” or even “he’s just not my type”, staying on that subject, evidently my type is the one that’s unavailable, if they want me then I think I will just go with a super condescending and idiotic “meh” and stay the hell away from that. So this so far could be because if they really like me there is something wrong with them, or because they don’t really know me, or because a guy liking me is living proof of the impossibility of the whole “My best friend’s wedding theory”, and we all know how scientific that one is. So I talked with an ex-something and reached the brilliant conclusion that it has to be something that grows in a parallel way with your own affections, if they like me more then I like them I will “meh” them, and if I like them more we go back to the 20sec challenge, ‘cause that was fun.

So back to emancipation, evidently that’s not my case, and I just come up with a ton of excuses to justify the fact that I’m a prude. And I have to say, I have a somewhat dirty/creative mind and an even worse mouth, and on top of that no shame whatsoever. In my latest expedition to “No Shame Land” I ended up with an uncuddelable bed mate, he’s nice, lucky he’s nice and doesn’t stink.  Anyway, maybe I’m a prude, I have to go and read the meaning of that one just to be sure what is my new self-definition usually it means the opposite of a slut, and for sure I’m not a slut, I would bring such same to the house of sluts, they would never be able to show their boobs in public again! Ah, simpler times..

I am an un-emancipated prude and so, I need a t-shirt. Proud and prude. Rocking the prudness. Emancipation is overrated. The 40’s were the golden days. I am prude and un-emancipated and so I asked permission to make this lousy turtleneck.. It’s a work in progress, I am a recent prude after all. 

The Epiphany

I downloaded the movie “my best friend’s wedding” the other day. I like that movie, always have, and I remembered that I saw it when I was really young and then it was forgotten for a long time, but as I was seeing it I remembered that I was deeply impressed by the movie, for me the message was “you will never be the chosen one, you will love with all your heart but in the end he will always chose another one, another more perfect one and you must find a way to be ok with that because it is as it should be” this became a secret percussion in my mind, my dolls had a incredible sad love life, filled with sorrow and stoicism. Part of it I am blaming on my parents marriage, but I had this distinct and clear idea that a good part of it can be traced back to this movie, so in my mind I think I have conditioned all of my relationships to this, I always braced for disaster. I think I had a much relevant role in their incredible explosive ending then I thought. Maybe I chose things that were meant for failure, people that I knew were leaving and I always knew that it would never work but I guess I craved the confirmation of this prerogative and I allowed myself to get sad when the proverbial shit hit the proverbial fan. This was kind of an epiphany, maybe I deliberately chose things that would blow up on my face just because it was I was wired to expect. I had a boyfriend, he had a million faults and he was a son of a female dog when we broke up, but now maybe, I had a lot to do with it, maybe my responsibility is much bigger, maybe I wasn’t flexible on purpose to see how thinly I could stretch his limits. Maybe I knew all along that doing what I was doing would lead to that inevitable end and I was powerless to stop it just because I wanted to see the result, I wanted to be proven right, I think in the end I wanted the power to say “I always knew this would end like this, I always knew I wouldn’t be the chosen on” more then I wanted to be happy. This is very saddening. I am thorn between being disappointed with myself or being happy that I finally got to the bottom of this question. I will replay this in my head a thousand times until I juice out all the possible meanings and implications of this discovery. In the mean time I will do my best to be happy with the fact that somehow I managed to find people that try to prove me wrong and that maybe now that I know this I won’t make the same mistake, maybe now when I see the headlights I will be able to move out of the way instead of getting hit with the car to prove a point. There is some deep shit going on here.

Dr Phil said

I was just told that due to my lovely temper there is a great possibility that I won’t be able to make someone happy for a long time, the exact words were “I don’t think you can make someone happy, I mean, for a long time. For a little time sure, but not for ever”.  There are only two people whose opinion I even consider, this pearl of wisdom came from one of them of course. I don’t think it is true, I know I can make someone happy, for as long as they make me happy. Fuck her! I feel very immature for letting this get to me, so who cares if she has this misconception about who I am. First, I can be whatever I want, second, I can do whatever I want, so if I want to be happy and to make someone happy that’s what I will do. And by the way, fuck her! I am, probably almost, done with letting others opinions of me influence my notion of self worth. I thought about this and I prefer to be out of touch with reality then to live others realities for me. Who died and made her king of all reason? She doesn’t know shit, and that’s fine, it’s not like it’s her fault, if I don’t tell her who I am then her misconceptions are my responsibility. With that being said, I really have no intention of changing, I am tired of accommodating her needs and her feelings, and I return I just get this lovely feedbacks about what she thinks of me. A lot of people would like for me to want to make them happy, and just because they have no firm grasp of reality that doesn’t mean that I am worthless. Fuck her! You only get so angry when you love someone, and sure, I would love for her to be proud of me, actually I don’t want to aim so high, if she could just stop calling me names I would appreciate it, peace would be enough, I have no need for victory. Dr Phil said “do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” so I don’t want to be right, I just want to be at peace. Who the hell does she think she is? She is not the omniscient representative for all the reason on earth! She is just a lonely person trying her best, I know it, and everyone else knows it, except her. Don’t you dare try to tell her this, you will be labeled as arrogant and all your posterior opinions will be disregard as the “makings of a madman”. Fuck her. Fuck her opinion, Fuck her ideas, Fuck her need to be right,, Fuck her loneliness, Fuck her misconceptions, Fuck her rudeness, Fuck everything that I don’t agree with. If you have some time to spare, Fuck me as well. 

Much obliged. 

Projecting my shit

I have always put my thoughts into writing, it’s my way of understanding them. There is nothing like the feeling of seeing your ghosts take a shape that you can touch, writing makes it all real, and reality is always clearer then, I guess everything non real. I wrote something called “the diary of our breakup” where I would write for pages and pages about what I was thinking and feeling, and the reason I did that is because I was sick of listening to myself, if I was sick, I can only imagine how my friends were, I wrote so I would keep my friends, I will be there if any of them needs me, but I’m not sure I would have ability to be as kind and patient with any of them would the situation be reversed. And that’s how you know you don’t deserve them. I was looking for something else and I found some letters, letters I wrote a long time ago, and for someone who doesn’t believe in coincidences they sure do happen. Some time ago I was talking to my friend and she was in a similar situation to mine, to be clear, my ex traded me for another person just because he wanted more sex, something like that. Some years ago her boyfriend did the same thing, and after it happened she thought “ok, that’s out of your system now we can pick up where we left off”, and she thought I was going to do the same thing. I was so stunned that I didn’t even say that that thought never even crossed my mind. This entire possibility that I could just be ok with everything and have such a rational approach to this was inconceivable to me. And I’m a bit ashamed to admit that I have been thinking about the what if’s of the question, but today I found some letters, and in one of them I said “I assure you that no matter how much I want you back, I will never do anything to make that happen. And if you want me back in your life you will have to change so much, and I’m not even sure I’m worth all of that”. Little pearls of wisdom! I’m so happy that I wasn't a complete idiot, I will sleep without my idiot self tonight, she’s uninvited.

There’s a guy who never recognizes me, we met seven times in the past month, and he never knows who I am, and that’s the perfect reality check in the world. Good for you for not knowing who I am! Although I’m starting to get annoyed at it, I think it’s for the best, it’s refreshing and new and just the right amount of irritating. This is where interest goes to die.

Tonight I was feeling sad, and alone. I miss my friend, and a little bit more than that. I was sitting in the garden, getting bitten by everything that was there and feeling grateful that my dog was there with me just leaning a little bit against my back, just enough so he could still be in petting range. So I’m thinking that it sucks that my neighbors are having what sounds like an awesome party and I was there all alone, thinking how much I missed the idea of someone. And then my dog, who weighs at least 25kg started trying to get in my lap, like when he was a puppy, of course he could only fit one leg, a head and part of the shoulder blade on my lap, leaving the rest of it, hanging ridiculously on the floor, in what seemed like the most uncomfortable position in the world, he just wanted to be held for a little bit, and although I am one hundred per cent projecting my shit on my dog, I had this feeling of democracy, we all just want to be held and completely loved, even if it’s just for as long as we can withstand the ridiculous pose, so if we are all searching for the same al alone, then we have each other’s miserable company, all except me, I’m a blast..

I regret kisses

I have a friend who keeps me grounded. He doesn’t mean to, really, he means nothing, but I can’t help to get a little carried away when it comes to him, my mind goes to places it shouldn’t, and I have to make this idea, this build up that is so detached from reality that it scares me. My mind makes me sad, no. My mind takes me places, makes up scenarios where I’m incredibly happy, and then reality brings me back. But never all the way down, I get to this suspended happiness, because if I can think it then there is a chance it can happen. And that’s where he comes in, he doesn’t even try, like most man haha, he just Is and is the most cruel and honest wake-up call ever. I don’t think, obviously, in general of course, but about love specifically, in love I just am, I will happily go wherever I’m taken. This doesn’t come from a passive attitude, I have my eyes on the end goal, always seeing the broader picture so who cares if a few strokes are a bit different? It’s all a part of the picture. He thinks. He over thinks, he is a planner, my sister told me that she didn’t liked him for me, because he just “knew too much about life” she knows I don’t think, she knows he does, he has a plan, and it’s dangerous to play a game when you don’t know by which rules the other one is playing. So I get carried away, and he never does. It’s always wrong until it’s the right one. I have kissed 7 guys in my life and I have this idea that I don’t want to get to double digits and still be looking for whatever, I have 3 more chances, 3 more guys to kiss. Now when the situation presents itself I have to think “is this worth one of the slots?”, and thinking is good, but then again, so is kissing, and you only regret the things you didn’t do right? Although I regret a few of those kisses, actually I regret kisses I had but zero I hadn’t... I’m in a dangerous mood, a friend is coming, a nice sweet kissable friend. Note to self: start thinking, and the sooner the better. Can you exorcise your kissing needs by writing about them? The inside scoop says no. step away from anything even remotely kissable, when in desperate need picture          . If you get nauseous from picturing someone kissing someone does that mean that you have feelings for that person? If so I have much more feelings then what I thought, it’s freaking feelings Christmas over here. Dangerous times call for dangerous games.

Exactly how many

What if you had a magic something that could answer to all of you questions? Could be a magic ball, a magic pair of underwear, a magic toast, doesn’t matter. What would you ask? Besides all the important stuff I would ask the most random questions ever, I was thinking about this today, the rules are: you have unlimited questions and the answers are either numbers or yes and no, and of course it has to be something that is can actually know.  I would ask a ton of times the most random questions ever, “how many people are pooping right now in the entire world?”, “how many tomato seeds exist in my salad?”, “is my wallet/keys/purse/phones in this house?”, “did anyone noticed that I went out with my grandmothers nightgown?”, “how many people laughed at me instead of with me?”, “was it real?”, “Will my parrot ever stop biting me?”. And then you have the practical questions, the everyday life questions “Is this jackass telling the truth?”, “is the file I need in my computer?, “am I forgetting something?”, “is this cleavage too much?”, you get it. No more wondering, I could live without wondering about this trivial questions, but most of all I think it would be the best thing ever, you would always have new things to ask and then you would be the unbearable person who knows everything. Beautiful

If you could know exactly how many times you would still fall in love, would you do it? Would you like to know? Is this a similar question to the famous “would you like to know when you are going to die?”. Do we regard the mystery of love the same as we do death?

I think, given the choice I would like to know. I can live without the mystery, I sometimes reed the end of books, I only read it after I create a bond with the characters, I care about them, and knowing what is going to happen gives me time to process it. I always need time for that, I am not one to make rash anything, decisions, judgments, statements. I think it’s just because I hate regrets, I hate that feeling that I did something wrong and that I can’t take it back. This is beyond the point.

I would like to know what’s the ending to my book, not specifics, but in general strokes. Will I ever live in a house filled with cats, or will I die a horrible painful death while young, or something else, nobody knows. A part of your future is your responsibility, but it can’t be 100% you, that will drive you crazy. If 100% of your future is your responsibility then, all the special shit that happens to you is also your fault, as well as all the shit that doesn’t happen to you. You and I are not 100% responsible for our future, I am still crunching the numbers to see exactly how much are we to blame for it, so I will get back to you on that one.

I wouldn’t like to know when I will die though. When you know that you start counting down, I never want to count my days down to zero, I want to add them not subtract them. I feel like moving. I feel like disappearing, Houdini is gone but not forgotten.

13

13 and not turning into anything interesting. It’s when you start wanting to be interesting to others It’s that age when you start to want to be a part of someone’s fantasies. It was not personal, a rock could do that, but it’s when you start developing your sexual identity. I go to the doctor, I have a weird looking waist, it’s more pronounced in one side not a big deal, it’s just uneven. X-ray and I have the first picture of my spine, it’s not what it was supposed to be, it has a detour, it’s a lovely S. At 40 degrees you get surgery, I had the lucky 57. So here I go. My mother takes advantage of this excellent opportunity to pretend to be an interested mother, it’s perfect, she loves crisis, she gets to prove that she is there for us, but only if it’s a short crisis, otherwise she loses interest and you are left to deal with it. She has crisis ADD. We went to this osteopathic doctor, and he says that my curve is affecting my emotional balance and my ability to feel happy in a constant way, I have a curve that makes me unbalanced, and the irony is not lost in me. So he tells my mother that I can’t sleep on my side, just on my back and without a pillow, and if she could get a wooden board for me to sleep on it would be perfect. All to which she complies without question, it was not her so it’s all fine. She should also wear a vest. A hard plastic thing that you wear 24h a day underneath your clothes but always with an undershirt, even in summer. So we went vest and track suits shopping because it was the only thing I could wear with it.

I’m in high school, in a new school, I don’t know anyone and I looked like this athletic person when in reality I hate running and I couldn’t move. I made friends despite it, and even some guys decided that they liked me, bless their hormonal souls, but no one knew. I had no power over what was happening to me, my mother decided for me and left me alone to deal with the consequences of her choices, even if that’s not what she meant, that’s how it felt to me so I guess in the end there is no difference. After some time, one year, two years don’t really remember I started to lie, I lied to everyone, I was good, it was perfect lies and no one caught me. I lied about borrowing clothes, about where I was, about if I was wearing it or not, some of them were lies by omission. There is no difference. I was lying to my sister and she started to cry, she was so sad so disappointed at me for lying to her, I will never forget her face. I have no more lies in my life.

I went to a consult and I had 24º or something like that that to me, translated in “you are free, you are finally free”, so I stopped wearing it, and I shouldn't have, no one did anything to stop me, my mother’s ADD kicked in so there was no one paying attention to what I was doing and I did what I wanted. She blames me for not being better, she thinks it’s all my fault for making such a bad decision, she lets me know that often. She made me do it, my opinion didn't matter at all, but now it’s on me, it’s my responsibility it’s all my fault that I’m not perfect like I should be. The first time I was going to the beach with my ex-mother in law my mother said to me “you should keep your shirt on, she might not like you for her son when she sees your back”, such a lovely person. She kept me from trying this things that I always wanted to do, like ice skating and surfing because they might not be good to me, I can only blame myself for listening to her and not doing them.

 I went to another consult, first one in 7 years, the doctor said that I can do anything I want, no restrictions except lifting weights, endless possibilities just opened for me, and I’m scared to grab them all. I had to always play it safe, I had to be super careful and responsible and now I can do whatever I want to do. I will die from all this freedom. I’m not better, but I’m not worse, and I kicked my mother out of my consultations so it’s just me and my sister who keeps telling me that it’s not as bad as it could be, she is still pregnant and if she knows what’s good for her she will stay pregnant for as long as she tells me things like that, for you cannot hit a knocked up lady. Everyone wants me to have surgery, I can wake up from it and never walk again, not to mention that I could not wake up at all, so if I do it, I will do it because I want it, it’s the only way you can live with the consequences of your choice. If I do it, it will be for me, it will be because I think it’s the best for me, just like a smart grown up should do. I should know, I asked a few of them. Pff! I don’t know any smart grownups thank god!  

Number Zero

I have written a thousand posts, on, two, eight, every day. I can’t seem to have the time nor the energy to write them down, but that’s not the reason, I think I had a hole somewhere and now that I know it’s there I can try to do something about it. I beg the pardon of every person who was counting on this to make a small contribution to their day, I feel unworthy of all your attention. I will do my best to never fail you again. I made a restart. So now I am restarted and fully rested.

Number One: I’m never going to let my kids watch cartoons, doesn't your soul curl inside every time a child pretends to be a cartoon? With those stupid noises and body comedy, like when they pretend to run into a wall, and do the whole routine. That’s grounds to give a child up. Can you imagine a home for kids that were ditched by their parents because of, totally viable reasons that are just not accepted by society? “I’m a selfish little prick” “I scream to get my parent’s attention” “I think I’m a princess” “I think I’m a cartoon” “I’m useless” … kids are born these perfect little things, the people who raise them are the ones who screw them up. Having a kid who pretends to be a cartoon could be grounds to be excomungated if that still meant anything.

Number Two: I was walking the other day, in my favorite beach, in the most perfect day off all, with my mp3 blasting the best music, and then all of the sudden, our music started to play, I could not breath, My body wanted to shut down I had to stop. It took me by surprise, I am fine, I am done and I am over all of that. I have no regrets but something literally started to hurt inside of me, I have no idea what it was, but it was there, I think it’s unfinished, my thing with you is unfinished, not dead but not alive either, it’s suspended. It feels like an open door, not a door, it’s an open window, so tall that you can’t reach it but you for sure can see the light. This possibility kills me but it also lights me up.

Number Three: You little piece of shit! Who the f*** do you think you are to just ignore me? You are not too busy to reply to me, I was your friend even when you knew way better than me what was going on, how you were screwing with me, you knew! And I had no idea. You good for nothing worthless sample of a man! I am going to smash it, swear to all the gods I will smash it to bits, I will film it and make you watch. Who are you to decide that we are not friends anymore? I was nothing but kind to you. Why are you being so mean to me then? Why do I let you be in my life if you don’t bring me any joy?

Number Four: Your friends think you are in love with me, they tease you about it and you over compensate it by mistreating me, you don’t love me in the romantic way they think they saw, but you love me, and I love you, in a very platonic way. But why does the idea of us together makes you so uncomfortable? Could it be true? Please don’t let it be true, I love that I can sleep with you and feel completely safe, I love that I can just hug you for as long as I need and you don’t read too much into it, nor do I get the feeling that you just let me do that to feel my boobs. I love that we are friends, please don’t let that change you idiot. I need all the friends I can get.

Number Five: The definition of completion must be this, a bike, a beach a sunset and an mp3 with just the right music. The feeling that you have when you don’t want to change a single thing in that moment is incredible. It’s so sad that you want to change so many things in a normal day, maybe it’s just me, and maybe it’s only me that wants to change all the stuff in her life.

Number Six: So I met this Italian guys, and I was shocked, they were so nice and funny, and actually smart. Good for Italy for still being able to produce two very good specimens of the male side of the specie. Don’t get me wrong, I met my fare share of handsome Italians, but none of them was even remotely nice, there is just something about them. One of these Italians had an amazing insight about this conundrum, he thinks that Italians in vacations have this panties seeking radar, and that is all they see. But in their main land they are normal people, normal nice guys, as nice as a******* on vacation can be in their “real life”. So now we update the idea that all Italian guys suck, to the hope filled new plan that “All Italian guys suck when they are on vacation”. Congrats Italy.

Number Seven:  People ask you if you want to get married, or if you want to have kids. You have this idea. So this was an evolution for me. First I wanted it all, wanted to marry my first love and have four kids, I had this clear idea that every kid deserves to have a brother and a sister so four was the magic number, that was all that I wanted, I just wanted a person to go on the ride with me. When I was alone again, I refused to think about that, decided that since I would probably die alone I should just deny that, and convince myself that I didn't wanted any of those things so I would say that I didn't wanted to get married nor kids. So now that I think I’m ok again I had some kind of an epiphany. So now I want to find someone that makes me want these things. If you have a job opening you are looking for someone to fill that position, but I want something more, I want someone that makes me want to do those things, so from now on my, hopefully more elucidated answer will be “I don’t know what will happen to me, It all depends on what life brings”. I think it’s even smarter that I have no idea if this is better or worse.

Number Eight: I am the worst at reading people, it took me a long time to admit that, I thought I was good at it, but the evidences started to pile up, I make incredible wrong judgment of the people I meet. Now I know why, I mirror on them what I wish to see, I find in them the little things that give me hope that they are just like I want them to be. But they are what they are no matter what you want them to be, so the bottom line is, I suck at reading people. But I have this friend, and I have this feeling that he has one of those “forever” types of love to give, and he wants to give it, it’s hard to walk away from someone who could love you forever. I thought I had something like that and turns out it wasn't forever and yet another proof of how little I read people. The other time I was sure it wasn't for ever and it wasn't so if we forget the other five thousand times I was wrong you could say that I was getting better at this. He is coming here, and he could stay here and it would be something.

Number Nine: I am stranded in an island, It’s an island made of work and weirdness, and all around me are incredible good looking people, that are partying all the time and having a blast, never the awkward potato was a more accurate title to describe me, but I’m a bicycle riding potato, hopefully I will have incredible legs by the time this is all over, hurray for that.. I need a network system here, I have nothing and no one and that’s just not my style. I am going to do things, but what I can do now is just establish connections with a much older crowd. Well, I can do anything I want, and I say, let’s try to do both!

Number Ten:   “What we want to be and what we feel are two different things”

The right time

     It's hard to make friends, keeping them is even harder. We lose them to the weirdest things, boyfriends, girlfriends, possessions, time, life, alcohol, old age, locations. some of them find their way back, others not really, and sometimes you have to be the one who lets them go. Learning what is the right time to let someone out of your life is one of the most difficult lessons, I would love to know, know for sure that someone isn't worth it, that that person will bring me no more joy and even if they do, it will never be enough to balance out the bad things they will do. I'm not different from any other, i think we all would like to know it, or just to be sure of what we had done. I had to cut off some people, but they left me no choice, I will never walk away from what I love, but I will also never break, and you can only bend so far. When people drive you to the brink you can only break or walk away, and you should never feel bad for doing what you have to do in order to survive.

      Anyone who lets anything get in the way of your friendship maybe wasn't a true friend. but then again, people come to your life, and serve their purpose and then they leave. Isn't this a variation of the damn "everything happens for a reason"? Shit happens, not for a reason, but because shit happens, that's all. So people enter and leave your life randomly? They might enter as a random thing, but they, or you, chose to let them leave.

     I think i'm going to vote some people out of my island, I like to keep a tight ship, keep your friends at large and your enemies nonexistent.

     I hate that move of the "i will just stop engaging the conversation and eventually they will feel like "oh we just lost touch" and i'm like "no we didn't! it was all in my plan!", it's the trade mark of a non confrontational person, be bold and brave, tell it like it is, move on and let them move on as well. Don't you think they feel like they are doing all the effort? that they are not appreciated? ... what a load of crap. I hope we are all doing our best to be our best, we all screw things up. I'm taking the lion share of it, I'm a screw up hoarder.

     Make them tall  make them fat and short, make them thin, make them sad and joyful, make them from all around the world, make them gay and straight make the from your neighbors, make them non-humans make it with the ones who bark make it with the cakes you bake and with the people you hate. Make friends from all walks of life, and cut out the suckers who don't want to make you happy. 

For sure tomorrow

       All I see around me are couples, people grouped two by two, couples couples everywhere. Do you only see what you want or you look for what you dread? 

       What is this need not to be alone? Why are we all so afraid to be alone? Today there was a show on TV about unlikely friends, it was a blind horse and an old goat, a goose and a tortoise, and a white gibbon and some Capuchin monkeys. Not even animals want to be alone. The white gibbon was a circus animal so he couldn't connect with other animals of his own species, he only felt comfortable with young Capuchin monkeys, and they didn't let him be a part of their family, none of them accepted him and he had no one, he called and called and no one answered. The adult monkeys didn't liked him, he was bigger and stronger them them, so they were scared of him, they used their numbers to keep him out of the family. Only the young Capuchin tolerated him, so every year he had to make new friends, because the monkeys out grew him.

       When they become adults they have different perspectives on the events, I guess we all become more judgmental with age.

He is the forever alone gibbon, always on the outside looking in with no one to love and no one to love him back. This is the rule for humans as well, you are the lonely white gibbon until you, per some kind of miracle find another weird white gibbon to be with, then you are the one laughing at the ones who just don't get it.

     We were our love like a medal of honor, your wedding ring is the "I made it, I survived and someone loves me" statement that you wish you could cream at every weird white gibbon. In the name of all the weird ones, you can stop now, we all get it, and we all are trying our best to be happy for all of you.

       Now the unthinkable twist, what if we like to be like this? Are we ready to go against what feels natural to us? Are we forcing ourselves to be happy in our involuntary loneliness or are we discovering another unlikely friendship? Maybe some of us don't need anybody, or even worst, Maybe we don't want to be paired up. Is it resignation, bitterness or an evolutionary leap? Can we redefine what makes us happy, or genetics will always have the last word?

      Love is real. It can be wonderful or it can suck really bad, but it's real. If it never finds you, it's a matter of survival that you find happiness in your life style, if you never fall in love you have no choice but to be happy. However, if the bastard sneaks up on you you can either listen to it or just ignore it. You can really try to be happy taking no risks and making no hard and difficult choices, you will find a way to be alone and contempt. You can be only completely happy if, either love never finds you or if you take chances if it does. Playing it safe never helped anyone helping themselves.

     I'm trying something new, for the thousand time. I will lay low, so low that no one will ever find me. I am in dire need of a break and some peace and quiet. I found that i write about what is on my mind. when i needed courage, or was trying to inspire courage to someone i couldn't write about anything else, and now, it seems that i can only write about relationships and their meaning. I have been thinking about that for quite some time. I'm in search of something new to write about, if i write about what i think, then it's time to start thinking about something different. The time to change is now. Or tomorrow. For sure tomorrow. Monday is the right day to change.

Tomorrow we all change together.

The same place

     He's moving for love, he's in love with a girl in another country and so, obviously he is moving. different country, different "language", different job, friends, house, food, different everything. And he's still moving, after weighing things he came to the conclusion that everything would be worth it if he would be with her, and from what I heard she doesn't even like him like that much. So he's moving for the promise of love, the possibility of being happy with her is better then the security of normal life without her. Is that what love is? Is that bravery? I try, but I can't see the poetic of it. I would move for love. For love of myself, with the complete knowledge that I was doing that to make myself happy, because being with that person would make me happy. What type of person would move for a possibility? Isn't that a bit desperate? Isn't that "Hey i'm here so love me please? Now that we are in the same place and everything is easy and uncomplicated lets really try to be together yes?" It's easy to make it work when you are in the same place. Easier. Isn't that the start of something that is broken to begin with? If it didn't work while it was hard isn't that the ultimate test? If it's "meant to be" shouldn't it survive the hard times and make it trough to the other side? Is that contradictory? A girl who wouldn't move for a possibility thinks true love conquers all. I've heard strangest things.

     Some other friend. She's the one moving. But they tried their best to make it trough a hard and difficult situation, and they did. They worked really hard to make it, the time was also right. Don't take credit away from them. It was hard, and they, so far, made it. That makes me proud, and hopeful and of course, in the true friendship spirit a bit self-conscious with just a pinch of jealousy. Can you be completely happy without that little bit of jealousy from your less fortunate friends? Than how could you be condescending talking with them all the way from your high horse? My horse died a long time ago. Not long enough to stop tormenting my tired should. "I can still recall our last summer, I still see it all.. memories that remain"(insert sad corny ABBA song here). If I had true friends at least one of them should have kicked my ass, when I was oh so righteous on them. Never, ever, ever, again. 

     It's a delightful ride though, you think you can see it all from that impossible high horse, I would suspect it holds a striking resemblance with getting high, you think you can see clearer then ever, but the truth is that it's all a bit foggy.

     They are moving. Anywhere. For love.. Maybe they know something that we are still trying to figure out, maybe the view from inside the fog is much better then out here in the cruel bright real light. I hope for the best. I'm feeling claustrophobic.

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage" Anais Nin

Cosmical balance

     I was talking with a friend of mine about regrets, I forgot to mention one, I tried my best to erase from my memory so i guess it worked. I regret not taking better care of my dog and not loving him the way he loved me. When i was 12 my mother finally gave me permission to go tho the city pound and pick up any dog I wanted, having growned up reading amazing books about this humanly smart dogs, so when I got one I had crazy unreal expectations about it, we were going to be best friends, and he would understand all that I was saying and I wouldn't feel so alone, I would finally know what being loved and understood meant. The messed up ways of my teenager brain. 

      My dog was really smart, he was, in one week he learned all this new tricks, language.. not so much, he was just a normal real dog, but normal for me wasn't even close to what I dreamt he would be. As usual, I thought it was my fault, I was the one who couldn't make him understand me, my incompetence prevented him from being this perfect cartoon animal and I was frustrated at him all the time. But, before all that, I was annoyed, he loved me so much I felt suffocated. How could he do that? He was my shadow, he was only happy when he was with me, on me, around me or looking at me. I hated it. I remember closing my door so he wouldn't get in my room, keeping him away from me. I hated that he loved me so much, it was just to much. 

      My bird does the same now, he loves me so much, he grabs to the bars of his cage every time he sees me, he runs around so he will get as close to me as he can, and if he is out, he has to be on me, looking at me, loving me all the time. I feel like a horrible person, but  I can't stand so much love, so much devotion, just thinking about what he is going to do, I don't even want to look at him. It's just to much. With all the man/boys in my life it was the same, I was never so uninterested and detached from my boyfriends then when they went trough that "crazy in love" phase. I hate that. Why do they want so much? All of them. I fell bad complaining about to much love, but I prefer less, "to much love will kill you" and I never feel so close to dying then when I'm so absolutely loved. 

       Is it cosmical balance that I have a stalker now? Someone that thinks I'm interesting to the point of obsessing without return? Assuming that he is not completely crazy, nor completely uninterested, I'm going for, healthy normal stalker, half way between psychopath and prankster. Now he wants to kiss me, before he just wanted to marry me in a platonic way but now it's getting physical. The police said "It's probably one of your ex-boyfriends" to which I was forced to reply "Oh! trust me, they are all crazy, but not like this". 

      I hate clingliness and neediness and "I wove you so much!!", it's just not me, I don't even like when animals love me so much let alone people, why do we resist pure love? Why disagree with an irrational animal who loves you just because you are good to him and he had no other choice but to make you "his person"? You don't deserve that love because you did almost nothing to get it. They see the good in you and never the bad, so they love you, absolutely and unconditionally, is that why? I might believe that they love you for being good, and they just have no elaborate thoughts about your bad behavior, so it's not real love and you don't deserve it. I loved my dog, i loved him so much that it still hurts when i thing about all the things I should had done differently with him. Maybe it's not love, maybe it's just shame for all the things that I should had done and didn't.

       Maybe it's all just to much, when you have so much love you can't breadth you feel suffocating. I need space, lots and lots of space. Don't you dare to love me more then the right amount, not to little, not to much.Just  the perfect balance between ignoring and obsessing. 

       Dear Mr. Stalker, trust me on this, you really don't want to go anywhere near my mess, next time he calls I will just scream "YOU ARE SMOTHERING ME!!" that will scare him straight..

Bambi

How long should you regret a bad choice? Does it depend on how bad it was? A really bad decision you regret forever or the worse it is the quicker you need to forget and forgive in order to move on? If you feel in charge of the decisions you make regret is unlikely to happen. Ok, to tell you the truth, i'm watching Bambi right now, for the first time, I have this feeling that the mother is going to die, oh.. spoilers alert! sorry about that. It's beautifully well drawn, I love the old movies from Disney, but I'm not sure anyone doesn't. These movies are responsible for the most unreal expectations of life, for girls of course, only girls get influenced by pretty animals and singing princesses, I think boys, when they are young are smarter then girls, they know that none of this is true and there is absolutely no life lesson here, of course it all changes later, women, in general, are better at life then man. Music changed, something bad is about to happen... Why does Disney think that in order to strive you need to lose a parent? Or both? Thank god I'm older, this would be traumatizing if I was a child.. Lion King still makes me so sad, i'm scarred for life with that one, not saying that I still cry, I don't. I do have a permanent idea that that time will be different and that the Mufasa won't die and they will all live happy ever after, but that's normal, and a super healthy approach. " You are walking along, minding your own business, when all of a sudden, you run smack in to a a pretty face, you begin to get weak in the knees, and then you feel light as a feather, and before you know it you are walking on air. And then you know what? You are knocked for a loop, and you completely lose your head. It can happen to anybody" And after that, you screw things up and BAM. you are back where you started. This is a cosmic scheme to get me depressed. Not going to happen, I'm determined to be happy and perfectly contempt with just me. I am going to buy a house, and fill it with cats, I shall become crazy cat lady, my super power will be to trow cats at people, no animal brutality here, I will teach them to land on their claws. I am going to somehow be at peace with what happened. I am just a lonely me doing my best. And sometimes we screw things up. I am going to give myself a break. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Mistakes are lessons in disguise.  I should be freaking Gandhi by now.

I will walk you trough it

I'm freaking out, i was supposed to work this afternoon, and no such luck, i want to look nice and wear a dress, for that i need to shave my legs, and put some cream on them, and then i have to think if only the legs are enough, if i need to be prepared for more, maybe a late dip in to the ocean? maybe he has a swimming pool, maybe i should pack a bikini. No. No bikini and no more shaving, it's more then enough. "If you don't shave you must behave". Don't want to be in a bikini in the middle of the night all alone with this guy. I don't want to cook, it was supposed to be a tea in the sun, what happened to that plan?  how did we get to dinner in the night? Is this a date? nop.. not a date. Why am i working so hard to look pretty? i want someone to think i am, i want external validation as a quick fix of an interior problem. Classic. A part of me just wants someone who wants me. thank god a bigger part of me knows all of that and is able to stay one step ahead from my crazy self. And that's why i'm wearing a pink dress, with mint green shoes, that's why i look lovely, sure, one step ahead.

Ah the supermarket, this isn't weird at all. walking around picking things to cook. I don't want to cook. I love to cook, I love to eat, I do it for the ones i love, even if it's just me, i always cook with love. Not today. I don't want to cook, i have no love for him and i'm running low on self-love. That just reminds me of the ones that i would love to be cooking for. "Ah! look broccoli! he likes that!.. nop.. wrong him, awkward" . I'm staying as far from him as i can, it's extra hard when they want the exact opposite. He thinks this is a date, but it's not. This is, my insanity bill.

He went to take a shower and i'm cooking, why am i doing this? i hate to cook for him, i don't want to do this! If  it was up to me, it would be "Food for no one!". He's here, he smells like a really nice perfume, synthetic. He is next to me, i think i might be feeling a crotch on my ass. "Smell me".( Run, just Run, Stop staying, leave and don't you dare come back), "yeah, i smelled it as soon as you where here, maybe you could do with a little less next time no?" (meanness? why? is it his fault that you are crazy? is it? not really, so suck it up) "but it's a nice smell.." He's grabbing my wrist, he's really trying. I need to say something, i need to say that this ain't ever happening. 

His job was to set the table, and he did. On the balcony, with lights, and a beautiful view. This is shaping up to be a perfect "whateverthisis". I hate perfect things. I'm talking about things that make him uncomfortable, i need company in my misery. I want to clean so bad. Can't wait to leave. Going to the kitchen to clean. Don't know what to do. He made a made up bed on the balcony, with pillows and blankets, and tea, mint. just like me. Ok. I'm so uncomfortable that i need to speak up. I'm giving the "Hey, we are two intellectual people, so we are just thinking that theoretically this could be a good idea, but honestly, if it was supposed to happen it would have happened a long time ago, so i'm saying, i think we should just .. not. So i'm going to pee, and give you a little time to think ok?" I have this thing, apparently i drive boys mute, they just need time to think about what i say. The longest pee of my life. 

I don't think i'm ok after all. I'm grabbing on to the tea string on my wrist, thinking that anything would be better then this. The thing is, i'm comparing it in my head. You always do don't you? This fails in comparison to about anything, but specially when i compare it to recent events. Do you have to settle for something easy, or you should just wait for something special? This is not the place for questions. I want to just live. Just be. I don't want to be his. I can't. I'm not ok. I'm in danger of making a huge ridiculous mistake. In the mood for running. Step away Flash Gordon.

The crazy juice

Well... I'm done drinking the crazy juice. I don't even want to read what the hell i wrote.

     So, life is good, and I'm ok. The truth is, given the choice between being a sad realistic or a happy delusional person, I'm sticking with the second one, actually, there's nothing I can do about it, even if I really wanted I can't be miserable, I was born to be happy. I wish I was born do be wild, but happy works just fine for me. Life is really good, I am blessed with all I have and there is no reason not to be grateful for all of that. It's inevitable that sometimes you will doubt yourself, you will cry and scream the usual "why me?!" And then, it all fades away, You pick yourself up, dust yourself of, use some cliche lines, and you move on.

     I'm broken in a lot of places, and there is no way in hell that i would change that. Being broken made me wiser, when i knew nothing I was an obnoxious, rightful, paranoid, delusional little prick, now i'm just rightful and delusional, it's getting better, eventually i will be a pleasant person. And I swear, I will never be normal.

     I'm stepping off the Crazy train, it was getting out of hand. I'm going to do my best to get a visa to Rational land, I'm cheating on the paperwork, but, i'm gonna live there for a little while, until someone kicks me out as usual. My next choices will be made by my brain, no more letting my heart pick anything, I have the heart of a drunk 6 year old girly princess, the brain of a 80 year old male widow and the gut of something in the middle. Now the old man is calling the shots! And i'm having tea with the perfect-on-paper prince to test him, and reinventing the style for rooftops parties.

Life is good, and we are just fine. 

We are not in the greatest place

What happens to you when you are forced to lower your expectations so low that they become irrelevant? What happened? I know what happened. I tried, i really tried. I kept on trying. To the people that matter to me I am a bottomless pit of understanding and patience, am i? Am i really like that or am i just trying so hard to be that person. Who is her? Do i even want to be like that? I am genuinely afraid that if i'm not perfect people will just trade up.

A big part of me is still trying to please everybody, it's a lovely souvenir from being shook to the core. This is what i have come to understand to be true. You are yourself, you try your best to be good, and then the best is not enough. They find the faults that you have and they leave you, they get a better version of you, an upgrade. So you try your best to be flawless because that's the only way that people won't leave you, the only way that maybe they won't give up on you. The only way that they can love you is if they can't see your faults, get comfortable share that and you end up all alone wondering what went wrong. I am a strong believer in loving a person because of their faults, i still think they are the most wonderful part of a person, that's what sets us apart. But experience tells me to never measure anyone with the same cup you measure yourself. Expect more, demand more of yourself, demand perfection from yourself and nothing from anyone else, you will for ever be pleasantly surprised with what you get from other people, and live in a state of perpetual disappointment with you. I was raised to embrace the responsibility of whatever happened to me, only the bad things of course, the good ones are always credited to someone else. So, when shit happens, i blame me. Of course it's my fault, for sure. Something that i did, or didn't do, something that i'm not and should be, a stupid fault getting in the way of being appreciated. Who is there to tell you that that is not the case? your friends? they have to, even if they don't mean it, they will always absolve you of any fault. Your family? they are genetically programmed to love you. A stranger? We know their opinion doesn't count. So once again, you can only trust in your own judgment. My judgment tells me that i'm just not enough. Just that. 

I make a pledge here, I will not go and see what countries are visiting this blog. I don't want to know. i want to feel free to write whatever i need to, without worrying who is looking at my ridiculous thoughts. without feeling like an idiot and without judging myself for writing whatever i need to write.

I should just get mad and irrational. the things people say about him. the bad things. and i still don't believe them, i still think it to be a rightful choice, and that no one should pass judgment on others. They to what they do to be happy, and since clearly I'm not enough to make it so, then please, by all means, move on. I would never want anyone to be less happy then what they could be because of me. How selfish is to think that i would rather be a little bit miserable and impose that on someone just not to see them go? 

How many times can you really say to yourself "if they let you go they just didn't appreciate you?" how may times must you go trough that to start understanding that you are the problem? after all you are the common factor. the thing that bounds all those quitters, have a lunch, and see what they talk about. If each bad thing that happens to you re-validates the notion of imperfection and lack of worth that you have, is the same thing proportional to all the good things? No. Good things happen, no one knows why. Bad things happen, you had it coming, nothing more then what you deserved.

Is this all a reflection on self-pity? am i feeling sorry for myself? I am pretty sad, but not sorry. I will go trough every thing i should have done different in my mind. I will end up apologizing for something that i should have done/said/thought/whatever. It's all on me. Why the fuck i'm not enough? Why aren't i worth a little bit of effort? Why i am so willing to live with nothing? What the hell is wrong with me? I had it coming. 

Just that.

A bird at last

I should be thinking about my grandmother, but instead i'm having a imaginary argument with my imaginary boyfriend. And this is a dead bird. And now i'm cold. to not be alone would be great. I wish i knew someone who knew what i needed now. If no one knows you well enough is it their fault or yours? I am the only one wearing pants. I was the only one without time to shave my legs. My hairy legs. We are all fine. The widow isn't but they never are. So many people died this winter. My uncle is really crying now. he couldn't say goodbye to his father. Why do man think they can't cry? they can. They should. Your father only dies once. If not then when? I hope he went somewhere to cry. I haven't cried yet. I will. Seeing who I love cry makes me so sad. I feel so tired. She is a good wife. Hugging when he needs, giving space when he needs, practice makes perfection. My sister is coming. This is a small speech, driving to the cemetery, put him on the ground and go eat. Those who can eat of course. Almost all of my cousins are here. The kids are not, they asked not to come. When i get home i'm taking them to go eat ice cream  Nothing you can do for the grown ups but the kids need something. they are teenagers now but they are good. I'm getting labeled as the weird girl with the red face who doesn't hug who's crying.

Standing so straight

Oh, this is fun! I wish I was not an allergic mess. Without a red red face, a sore throat, a blister in my feet and rashes in my arms. I could also do without pain in my eyes, I feel pain in my eyes! Yes yes I do. I could do without a runny nose, and without a bug bite in the middle of my chest. I miss my second earring, my rings. I miss slouching. I look like I just ate a fork, standing so straight. I need to book a dermatological appointment asap. I think I look silly, I look like someone dressed up a road kill. Oh Shit! Another girl just exited her interview, she looks pretty. She's wearing flats, heals make a woman look extra nice, why would you go with flats? Should i have wore flats? Dam! ... Hello Mr. period, I can't say I missed you at all. But it's nice to have company here, we all know that having it gives you a confidence boost, right? RIGHT?? Scumbag period....

My back hurts. I need to join a swim something. That and a medical appointment would be nice. I need to do a real check up, i'm getting old, and i have this strong suspicion that i have some kind of tumor somewhere. I need a doctor in my life. I should marry someone that has a doctor in the family. If you marry a doctor there's a strong chance you become a hypochondriac. Logistics! Just because of freaking logistics. You will be all like sleeping and then, you feel something, and you think "What was that? Hum, probably nothing". Probably. If you are sleeping next to someone who actually knows what it was, can you really not ask? Can you ignore the possibility to end all uncertainty? Imagine. You make a strange poop, and then you can actually ask a professional opinion "Hey, is this a normal poop?" And then he has to look at it, and the smell, and you are just two married people looking at poop. It's that what you want out of life? I'm not judging people who look at poop, i think it's funny, "Hey honey! Come look at this! I just made thiz! It's shaped like a Shark!" But if one of them is a doctor, then for that person it's work. It's not "haha funny looking poop! you are disgusting!" It's serious business! As serious as a shark looking poop can be.

Leave it to me to be thinking about poop while waiting for an interview. I want to cough, and it's not like i really can, i feel like i would be judged....

Ok this was the last time i blew my nose, next time i will start bleeding and no one wants to play the "Oh! look at me! I'm bleeding from my nose, haha! I'm dying and probably have a tumor!" Card. I want this, but not like that!

Another girl is here, and she is also wearing flats, i did not get that memo. At a job interview you always wear heels. Unless you are crazy tall, no one wants to hire someone taller then them. I'm sorry i'm old fashioned like that, i wear heels to an interview, and a skirt, and pantyhose, even if i'm about to collapse due to heat exhaustion.  

Don't do anything

Don't do anything. Maybe you are hormonal. Wait a day or two, if it's still important you can talk about it later, and have a better take on things.

Don't do anything. You are mad, and nothing good comes from that. Cool down, wait until you are not feeling mad anymore, you will be able to really understand why you are mad.

Don't do anything. People make mistakes, you should weigh how important you think this is for you, and if it's worth having an entire conversation about it.

Don't do anything. It's not like it's on purpose  This doesn't happen to make you mad, or disappointed, or sad, they just don't know any better, and it's your responsibility to make a logical point and see if they can see why that makes you feel like that.

Don't do anything. I'm sure you are blowing it way out of proportion. It's not that important, you are a crazy person. You should take a chill pill and stop overreacting.

Don't do anything. Why should you get people upset when, clearly, it's your fault? You should have said something earlier. Didn't you? It's not their fault for not changing something that they don't know makes you sad.

Don't do anything. You have the responsibility to tell and instruct people on how they should treat you, if they  don't know it, how is that their fault? You should take your share of the blame.

Don't do anything. You should have said something earlier, you didn't, so you can't overreact to one little thing just because you decided to shut up for the past one thousand million things. Suck it up.

Don't do anything. 

"I don't do anything in order to cause trouble. It just so happens that what I do naturally causes trouble. I'm proud to be a troublemaker."

Sinead O'Connor

You see why we needed cookies

     It feels like i'm just telling things that happened to me, i wish i could elaborate a speech about an abstract and obscure topic and provide some enlightened opinions. No such luck.

     So, yesterday i baked chocolate cookies, pastry is precision baking, you need to respect proportions if you want to end up with something eatable. With that being said, i never follow any recipe, there is no plan that i don't like to change (a plan that's not mine of course). So, it's always an adrenaline rush when you are baking, you don't really know if it's the right texture, i mean if there is no recipe there is no right  or wrong, right? haha, no. Too thick it won't rise, to liquid it won't bake. And you never know where you land.

     I love baking. Can't help to imagine my house filled with amazing food. I will make a cookie portfolio. To master some types of cookies and then come up with the best one. I'm thinking of white chocolate cookies with dried strawberrys. Don't you "Starbucks already has something like that" me, i'm starting from scratch!

     I'm so glad you asked why was i baking cookies! You can't have tea without cookies, and you can't go star gazing in the middle of the night to the beach without tea, so you why we needed cookies.

     And we were off. We had blankets and wine and it was warm enough. We were ten. That means that we had to play a physical game, involving running and a lot of frustration and screaming. Check, check, and check. I am the worst competitor, don't care who wins, i'm there just for the fun of it. I'm not popular amongst my team members..

     We had a lot of fun losing. Somehow someone suggested taking a underwear swim in the Ocean.. We are young and brave people, and we will be changing our Fb pictures to our white asses. So many full moons that night. 

     It was a pretty legendary night. but i missed actually watching the stars with a blanket and a cup of warm tea in my hand. I'm missing an idea of something. The thing about what isn't real is that you can picture it the way you want it in your mind, theoretically it's perfect, and if you are never given the chance to see if it's possible in the real world you will carry an unresolved possibility with you. I haven't really slept today, so maybe i'm tired because of that. My bird keeps waking me one hour before i actually have to. I'm running out of things to trow at him.

I like driving in the night. i wish i could hear good music while driving. The tape is stuck inside the radio, i told you this.

Today i heard so much

     Well, hello! how are you? I really hope you are doing well, there is no part of me who wishes that you would be dead, and that's a big improvement! good for you!

     Today i went to take a coffee with one of my best friends, remember her? She used to be one of your best friends until you broke up with me, told me and her that we were going to get back together and then she caught you with another girl in the supermarket buying groceries to cook for her, after i thought you how to cook, with the book your aunt bought US and you kept it, i get it, you really need it more then me, it's fine. Rumor has it that you were going to fool around with her and come back to me, i'm so lucky that you think i am wife material and she wasn't. Yeah for me?

     Well, she's not your friend anymore, and you are losing all of your other friends, nobody really cares for you anymore, i bet you are dying to get out of college and get new friends who only know your "new" girlfriend. She has some pretty big shoes to fill, i am, after all, a generous 39.

      I don't trust my friends to give me a impartial opinion of her, after all, they hate her. And i hate to admit it but i am curious to know the girl who "seduced" you while we were together. Did you tell her that when you were suppose to "not be in love with me anymore" you grabbed me and pushed me to your bed and started to "get it on" until i just laugh at your pathetic attempt of romance and left? I don't think you did. should i? Oh  do i have things that i could tell her, but then, if she had a brain, she would leave you, and i don't want that! She is perfect for you, she loves your cheating ass and that's the definition of perfection, i mean if you guys break up how is she going to cheat on you and dump you? fingers crossed. 

     You tell your friends that you get disoriented when you see me now, you think i look prettier and so much happier then when i was with you, and you are right! I really am. If i had a dime for every time i hear that, i would have a lot of dimes. A lot. I am so much happier, there is something liberating with not being constantly asked to change and to forget who i am. I must say, I do love the freedom of being me without anybody telling that i should change. 

     I think the best way of payback is to be so happy that it will eat you up, that and of course when, it's not if, it's when you come crawling back, i will love to send you back to yo mamma's lap. I bet she loves your new girlfriend. And i bet your grandfather hates her. How i love him, how did such a great man fathered a son who fathered you!?? haha maybe you were also found on the trash!!

Anyway. Today i heard so much about how your life sucks that i had to let you know, apart from the subliminal desire that your new girlfriend cheats on you, i wish you absolutely no harm, no happiness either, i wish you nothing. But i do hope you are happy, with her, without her, anyway you can. I wish that on my worst enemy so why would you be different? 

Kiss them when they are alive

     I remember my first wake. It was a parent of a friend of a friend of my mother, who ever it was, i had no connection with, it allowed me to merely observe. The first one was the most impressive one, that's why i remember it so well. We went there in the dead of night, it was winter, cold and dark. In a square there was an old church, tall and grey, we had to go around it, and in to the small paved garden. There was a huge dark wooden door, one is open, the other is closed and it's so dark inside. We go in and it's a pre-chamber small, can't imagine it having more then four square meters, full of people that you can't really see. I was looking up at them looking down on me. Behind all of them there was a light, it was a dimmed lighted room, but it seemed infinitely brighter then where we had come from. It was such a tall room that the light could not touch the ceiling, it seemed never ending. The walls were covered with tiles, blue tiles filled with drawings of other pious people, it created the feeling that the room was not squared it was never ending, a wormhole. The sound. There was a sound, a chant, a never ending music that went on and on for all the time i was there. A group of old women from the north were praying, they had to pray for the soul of the departed, and they sang their prays. They would be locked in with the corps and they would sing all trough the night. I remember a coffin with a white cloak, nothing else. 

     Dead people never look like living people, never saw a dead person, that even reminded me of the living version. They are always so yellow, and swollen. I think they put something in their mouths. Some people kiss them, they are saying goodbye to something, there is nothing there anymore. Kiss them when they are alive, that will make a difference not when they are dead. 

     Here there is nothing like that, it's a modern cold room, it even has a coffee machine, it lacks theatricality, but not sadness. He is dead, and now she will wake up for the first time since she doesn't even remember when, all alone, a widow. Now there is no one that will look at her and remember how gorgeous she used to be, no one to love the way she is now because of what she used to be, no one to look after her the way only a lover can. She is so small, so delicate, she looks so fragile, but she is stronger then this, i hope. I like her, always did, she was always so nice to me, and she still is, she had a bit of time to talk with me and spare some kind words to me, like i'm the one who needs them. Don't really know what to say to her. I will tell her good news, that will make her smile, she looks pretty when she smiles. I remember some of this faces from when i was younger, they don't know who i am, my mother strayed away, i just need to avoid eye contact with anyone and i will be unidentifiable.

     We start burring our grandparents, then our parents and then our own. I can't imagine a time where my friends are becoming widows and widowers, we are still searching for the first "the one" to marry, no one is getting married now, not yet anyway. We are young, and i feel so old, i feel that i should be somewhere that i'm not. Maybe age sneaked up on our parents and they are also surprised that their friends are dying. Wakes are also a social gathering, an opportunity so see old friend that life pushed away. Please let's keep in touch. I don't want to go to a funeral and be glad to see my long lost friends, i want to go with all of you.

     No one is crying now. there are so many flowers, i only smell flowers and old lady perfume. His parents are here and they will bury their son. 

What is the deal with all that water?

     So there is a large group of older people in front of me, this is the oldest kindergarten class in living history. They are exactly like i was when i was in high school, playing, not wanting to work, looking for any excuse not to do whatever brought them here (writing for a blog is a constructive occupation. I am creating a compendium of social behavior let’s go with that. Back to business) talking out loud, laughing, flirting with the male group member and vice-versa, looking for excuses to talk with the supervisor, he is not bald, although he is round and greasy, so if your shape is a round shape, and you sweat even in an conditioned environment apparently as long as you are not bald you are the definition of a sexy man when you get to 45, hang on tight man, your time will come, grab to your hair though.

      He is loving it, pretending to read/supervise while they just pile up longing for his attention, is that the male dream? Is he married? He is short sighted, so glasses. Uh! He frowned when they started to share a illegal snack (dear reader: on top of the tables Glasses with water and food are not allowed). So i ask, is that where you draw the line Not Bald man? At food sharing? At illegal food sharing? They can run wild and free, like a bunch of drunk teenagers but f-o-o-d is not ok?
      I bet he is married, this hypocrisy has to come from a married man who flirts around, is flirting cheating? He is looking this way! Yes, yes Mr. Not Bald, this is what respectable work looks like, take a hint and control your women!
       Have you hit rock bottom when kids tell grownups to shuuush? Is that it for you? Do you just give up and go full retard since you can’t really take any pride in this day? Even if you save a bus full of children today you cannot erase the fact that a 15 year old, very rightfully, just told you to shut up.
      What is the deal with all that water? Why do they drink so much water... Every single one of them has a 1.5l bottle of water. Is it because of the heat waves that menopause brings? Are they menopausing? Not possible, they are to young.
       Different brands so is not a social stand, different price range, not an economical stand, normal plastic bottles, not an environmental nor fashion stand. Their water stands for nothing. How can you drink water that doesn't mean anything? You are what you drink.
     Same old story, Loudwaterdrinkingnonmenopausalflirtywithsupervisor women. Seen one seen them all, am I right? Snap snap snap.

Sun in the sky you know how I feel

     You have this idea, this notion of what you want when you "grow up", some people have this picture perfect moment of what they want, they know what they want and how to get there their path is like a bullet. I don't know what happens after you hit your only target, maybe they imagine different targets as they go along. My sister had this thing, the only thing she ever wanted from life was to find someone to love and to love her. For her that is the definition of life, that is the sole most important thing ever. She has it. She is happy, she has everything she ever wanted. Sometimes i get jealous of her perfect happy life, thankfully she is a much better person then me, so before i let that carry me away i remember that i am infinitely happier for her then jealous. I am glad that she has such a good life. She could be the proof that good things happen to good people, you know, if we believed in that.

      Some people want the perfect job, some the perfect house, to live in the perfect place, to have something that would make their life perfect. Perfection comes from the inside out, not the outside in. To get to that perfect moment you need to work for it, so in the end you are responsible for that, it makes it yours. Enjoy.

      For me. I always wanted to work, to have a life bigger then what i had, not specific about what i was doing, or where, all i knew is that i didn't want what i had, nor to do what i was doing. After it changed, i wanted to have a family, i wanted to create something for myself that i never had, that would also would have made me very happy. I wanted a nest, that is what i was working for, My perfect thing has always been very blurry. Now i don't know what i want. I want it all and some more, much more. When you know better you want better, that results in the creation of a very complex picture, so full of things that it's hard to focus. It's a noisy picture. 

     I've been thinking about growing up. I think i am ready to grow up, i really want to. Not so sure i am ready to be a grown up. I still make a lot of mistakes. I will keep on making them and learning from them  i hope. Maybe i'm not ready, but i sure want to do it. You can't really go back can you? Once a grown up, always a grown up. I will trade the impossible liability of a child for the suffocating responsibility of an adult. I am done with depending, with leaning (trying to anyway). None of them make me. 

     I want so much that is scary that i might not get anything ending up disappointing myself, and that's the worst person you can let down. Forgive everyone but me. I'm my worst critic. I'm my worst. I should learn how to let go and look over my own flaws since i do that so well for every one else. I am the one that strives for more, never gets it and feels like a failure because of some impossible standards. I do not hold them for any one, just for me. I am my worst. 

Well that was depressing!

"Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel " The great Nina Simone

What a terrifying thing

     Sometimes i have trouble hearing people, i’m screaming so hard inside my mind. I’m happy. I’m a happy person. I’m not dramatic, i’m just me. 

     It’s sad when you are lonely. But maybe it’s sadder when you feel lonely and you are not really alone. When you are so surrounded by so many people who just don’t see how you really are. Can you really blame people for not seeing past your mask? “if they were my real friends they could see how really was”. That’s just  not true. With your real friends you don’t need to wear a mask, you can allow yourself to just exist in every aspect of yourself. You stop wearing some masks for some friends, but can you be everything you are in front of all of them? Maybe we have this fear that they will not love us anymore. Maybe we are just mirroring some serious lack of self love. 

     I feel free to explore all the possibilities. 

    Maybe it’s not lack of love. Maybe you just don’t want to expose yourself like that, you don’t want to give all that you are just to anyone, you want to keep somethings hidden, just for you. We are not made of all light. Is that what we see in a baby? Just light? No damage? We are born perfect, and then eventually we all get screwed up. Some worse then others. Some better then others. Can you split hairs about damage? 

Invisible damage is the worst kind, the one that you don’t even know it’s there, the one you don’t acknowledge because it will start rotting you from the inside out. 

     If it makes us who we are, what a terrifying thing a undamaged person would be. What would you talk about when all superficial things are said and done? I love damage, but sometimes i wish it didn't hurt so bad. I hope we all patch up out damaged self's we get better in somethings, and pick up new dents and rips. By the end we are the weirdest looking quilt, just a lot of patched things that we think have no business hanging out together  but they are warm, and they work. They are loved and we have hope. 

Ecosystem of mold

     I love having flowers in my house. They make me sad, they are already dying. They will go yellow, brown and eventually you have to trow them out. I have never thrown out any flowers out that haven't gotten all moldy and generated a different fauna and flora inside their jar, i end up with an entire ecosystem of mold, rotting flowers, some insects and a lot of unidentifiable brown and black things, and that's not even the point where i think they have to go, when they stink, that's when i am ready to surrender their body to the all mighty trash Lord. Is not that i'm lazy to trow them out, i just hate endings.

     It's worse when the flowers are a gift. I will keep them for ever, they see an old brown thing that was once a flower, i see something that i used to love. You can't trow things you love in the trash. More frequently then not, i dry some of them, i wish i could say that i remember where all the dried flowers that i have came from, but i don't, all i know is that i loved them all.

     So, if you receive a flower, it's pretty, but it's a dying thing. So, plants? I hate receiving plants. Why would you want to give a living thing to someone to take care of? "Hey i like you, and the best way to demonstrate that is by giving you the responsibility to take care of this LIVING thing for eveeeeer." That is a type of commitment that you are not always sure that you want to have, it's important, once you have it, you are not going to kill it, on purpose, so it should be something that you are sure that you want, it's like a Christmas puppy, you want it for life so you better be sure that you are ready for the commitment. Is this a commitment phobia? Can you really extrapolate a defining dogma of your life with plants? 

I am not ready to be defined by chlorophyll.