Filling a sift with sand

My computer came to bed with me today, can't remember the last time that has happened. I don't want to go to sleep, my dreams might take me places i don't want to go.
I was driving home today, in the middle of the night, going trough a bridge, and entertained the idea of driving off of it for far too long. I regularly question if I should kill myself to make a quick and un-expensive check on my spirit, if it's the most ridiculous idea in the world it's a great day, if it just seams like a lot of trouble I conclude tat's not worth it. I'm not suicidal, i just use my reservations to die as a measure on my mental health. Today was different. I am sad today. I am also alone. I think I will date the first one I get my hands on. External validation in order to get internal satisfaction. A broken equation, it will never work it's like filling a sift with sand.
a valuable lesson was learned today. not gonna forget this one any time soon, the hard one are the ones that really stick  with you. this one will stick like peanut butter on a fine dress.

Five

five sentences, i only need five to tell you the truth

one, i was fucked up really fucked up when i came to you. two, i was scared about hanging out, i had no idea if i would catch feelings  so i overcompensated by feeling absolutely nothing. three, i could not feel anything i didn't wanted to feel anything so i didn't, nothing. four you need something to make it work, desire at least, i was driven only by curiosity and as i now understand that's not enough. five, it's fifty fifty and this is my half, it feels like it's heavier then yours, as usual.

I guess i'm sorry.

Either kill it or Cut it off

       Becoming a grown up woman is the hardest thing one can try to do successfully. To find the perfect balance between ruthless and kindness, as well as between delicate and ungraceful. I am a sinner, for I always prefer to be unkind and ruthless when there is a choice, I could try to be Gandhi but no. present me with the opportunity to squash who is trying to squash me and I will do it, no mercy. no holding back, no kindness. I show no kindness to who shows me nothing but pain. this is not the makings of a lady. a lady is strong but delicate, i see how I should act, I just can't bring myself to forgive, or worse, I can't see myself to change. In the struggle to become calm and assertive I only seem able to fabricate being assertive and aggressive. I go from calm to "I will murder your family " faster then a Bugatti. Today I thought how could I hit him with this iron can? how would I make it look like an accident? is there an angle where I could say it was just a joke gone wrong? is it even heavy enough to kill him? 

       Someone told me that not being able to cope with this is a sign of immaturity and that saying that I don't want him to be a part of my file is the speech of a child. I think not. If there are no benefits from it, if you get nothing but pain and stress isn't it a sign of strength to cut it off your life?

Please, I need help! Please, my arm! it hurts so bad i think it's infected.. Please just make it stop..

I'm sorry miss but we can't treat your arm, that would be the most immature thing we could do in this situation, you should learn how to live with the pain, make it stop just with your mind, if you would just grow up we feel strongly that you could make the infection go away.

You don't understand! this is making everything else sick, I feel it reaching my heart, I feel it eroding who I am, please! please.. just make it go away, please..

Miss, really.. I mean, just stop. You are making a fool out of yourself, look at you. You are being pathetic, and we are fed up with your whining Just make the pain stop, just grow up, just love your arm so we can start pretending that there is nothing wrong with it.

No wait! please, PLEASE! you have to help me, I can't handle this anymore, this will kill me! why aren't you listening to me! why don't you believe me? don't you think that if I could I would make it stop? I can't stand this pain anymore, please, please just let me cut it off! I need this to STOP! why don't you listen to me? WHY? please..

 just like a rotting limb.

Nightmares

I had a nightmare, this has been going on for a few nights now.

I have a new kind of nightmare, nobody dies in the dream, it only hurts when I wake up.

I dream of a time when I was loved, of a time when I wasn't alone and when I felt safe and a part of something instead of a loose piece.

Everything is calm and so peaceful, in the dream things feel right and natural, like it has always been like that. things aren't complicated and they never got messed up.

It's funny that I don't dream with who still makes me happy. I don't know why I only dream with who broke me. I was happy, so why not you? Why should you dream with the dead?

The dead make me tired when I wake up. I can't sleep anymore. I say it's the morning light in my room, the irony of it fills me. Remind yourself that everything changes, I just can't seem to make my heart learn not to mess with my dreams, my brain feels weird when I wake up.

No

I don't love you

I don't want you

I don't need you

Yes

I miss love

I miss a friend

I miss the warm

None of these things are connected. But sadly the worst is part of the best. The only frame of reference I have ends in a ... way, so that's what I dream of.

I thought I had a new frame, but you were made of watercolors, not even I can build of that.

I am sick. I am a sick potato and i'm turning into Vodka. I hope

Change I must or die I will

I am done with this life, I have no patience left in me. Change I must or die I will. I am not happy, I feel happiness, but I am not happy, it is no longer a part of my life. I am in suspended animation, a dreamless slumber. I am living with the idea of a change, of growing and leaving what doesn't make me happy. I know what it is, I know who they are, I understand what needs to change, I know what I have to do and for now I have to wait, but I am at the end of my rope, either I start living or I'm afraid I will die. what is depression? can you feel? Do you stop seeing? I don't know the difference, I feel that I am nothing now, I can't see anything. It's a miracle on it's own that I don't believe when people tell me that i'm worthless, Yes NOW I am, in this moment I guess you might have a point, but as a person I am better then this. You talk to me as if I am nothing, since I feel like nothing it's a special kind of miracle that I don't believe I am nothing. You lie. You don't know any better and that makes it extra hard to hate you.

You write what you are living, I started this blog writing about things exterior to me, that were opinions, advises, ideas. I scaled down to events and now to self-absorbing things, it's all about me, I hate when it's about me. I will try to find my way back.

If you and me got together. I wouldn't fight you, I wouldn't try to change you, I would try to accept you for all that you are, and in order to do that I would have to lower my expectations about what I deserve, I would, everyday, live with less until there was almost nothing left, You don't give if you can take, and you would take it all and give me nothing. One of these days I would wake up resentful and sad and with such a pain inside. I would be so disappointed at me for having allowed myself "live" with so little. I will never hate you, for it is impossible for a part of me to stop loving you. We will never work, you will never change and I wasn't born for misery. I hope I will stop wishing for things to be different, but I am happy for being able to see them for that they are.

The God I no longer believe exists

Hey.

How are you? Remember me? Remember this?

I am writing you from a very confusing time, I've always wished this worked both ways.

Remember the last time I did this? I was so scared, I needed some advice and after writing it I never felt so alone, there was no answer. But I remember when, 2 years later I re-read it, and it felt so little, so small and unimportant, here's to hoping here's to coping.

So you are going to have surgery, yes. And nothing is going to be the same after it, you will never be just you again it will be you plus whatever parts they put inside, never more you will say this is just me, 100% me, not that I walk around saying that.

I keep thinking about lasts, the last time I will be able to bend this way, the last time I will stand like this, the last time it's just me. I am so scared. There is no turning back, no way you can decide, no this is not for me, take me back to where I was natural. It's going to be a new way of life, relearning how to do everything. living with the fact that you are limited and less of a person. Yes I think I will be less of a person after it, I also think I will hate it, and I will be for ever unable to feel in love with what I am. I feel like the time that I love myself is coming to an end and I will just relearn how to relate to myself without that.

It's a deja-vú all of it has happened and I should draw experience, knowledge and tranquility from the past.

It will be alright, I am stronger then what I give myself credit. I will  find a way to live a happy life because I know no other way to live, it's a good thing, I have no alternative so it's for the best to stop dwelling on the bad part of the future. the part where I won't dance anymore, or do yoga, or feel like myself. but maybe this new self is better then the last one, this one could be better and tougher.

I cringe when I wear "It's not going to be that bad" I know that's what I would say to someone while secretive being so thankful that it wasn't me. I hear that I want to scream "I know you are happy it's me and not you!" oh shit, I want to say that so bad.

"you hadn't had the most active life to begin with"

"yes you little cunt, but now if i want to change I can't THAT'S THE ISSUE!"

"everything is going to be fine"

"oh, did your magic toenail told you that? stop saying bullshit and tell the truth, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT"

"ah you will be so tall"

"yes, finally people will stop pointing at me in the street, my dream come true"

"all the clothes are going to fit you so well!"

"they fit me just fine now! stop telling me that I 'm not enough right now"

Ah the joys of human interaction.

So, I hope that you, me, is, am, having a great active life, not dead, crazy in love with something, finally fit and with a great ass, that the good things outweigh the bad, and that you, me, regret nothing. I hope I'm doing the right thing, and forgive-me, yourself, if you didn't. By the God I no longer believe exists You, Me are just doing, all alone, the best we can. Who can ask for anything else?

One way or the other it will all be over soon.

Writing at last, writing at last

Writing at last, writing at last. The beauties of randomness.

Lately I have been feeling worthless. no point in sugar coating it, it's the truth. I have no job, and i don't want to leave the house. I have things to do that i postpone, just so i can reaffirm the type of person that I feel that i am. Uninteresting and unworthy. I am better then this. I have to be because this is pathetic and dangerous.

I feel my brain is turning in to mush, it took me 2 moves to lose at chess.

Sometimes you outgrow your friends, I miss some of them. I feel sad that some of them decided that they were too busy, too cool, or just too happy to keep in touch. I am talking about you, you are not to busy, you are just not interested in trying. And that's ok, but by the way, screw you. Don't count on me to be a bottomless pit of happiness for you when you don't give a damn. so yeah. Fork you and don't bother me with your silence anymore.

What else.. I guess i will ease into this.. tadah  for now.

This is me saying something

What do you say to people when you should say goodbye? I have a lot of people to whom i should say something, just in case i'm not here to tell it myself, so i'm going to leave it here, you chose what you would like me to say to you, you chose this ending. This is somehow a gift, I am giving you whatever you want, take it, now it's yours.

- You are my best friend, a small part of me is you. We don't always get along, but I will always be here for you, same way you would be for me. I really love you. you are the only person that I consider to be irreplaceable. The only one i really don't know if I could live without.  

- I'm sorry I didn't notice you, I'm sure we would have been very happy. I screwed up not realizing how great you were. Please forgive me.

- You annoy me so much, half of the time I don't know why we are still friends, you piss me off with your stupid way of talking ans way of being, I like you, I like the quiet concept of you. When you talk I never remember why we are still friends. Silence is gold.

- You are good, you are much better then you think you are, I don't care if you believe or not, I will always think you are good, I am bad at this, but I'm not that bad. You are good, that's the truth, you know you are good, I just think you could be great. I see how great you can be. I have great expectations for you, don't let yourself down.

- You were kind to me. You helped me when I didn't even knew I needed it, that's why I will always be kind to you, but you my friend are a blessing in disguise. You are so hard to love, and when you mistreat me it just makes it even harder, but you are like my cousin and well, it's that thing of unconditional love. I know you don't feel the same way but that's ok, I never saved you. Yet.

- Our friendship is built, it's a castle, it's strong and needs very little upkeep. I hope I didn't left it unattended for too long. You are one of my persons, doesn't matter if we haven't spoken in forever. I've always been your friend, I would always be. 

- Don't let anything but yourself define you. People and events are unkind to you and more often then not, unfair. Stop allowing what happens to you make you. You are way better then that. You are kind and you are lovely, and of course you are amazing.

- I don't hate you, I don't resent you, I don't wish you anything but the best. I get why you did what you did, I acknowledge my guilt in what ever happened, if it means anything to you, I forgive you and i'm sorry for whatever I did. Hey, we made it trough, we are both fine. I'm really fine.

- Maybe you were the one. But probably you weren't. 

What happened?

Back to emancipation

The night has passed, and I’m alive and in great spirits, going to be sleepy in 20min for sure, but I will try to be the sober life of the party, that’s not me, I will leave that for the drunk French girls, there are quite a lot of them so it’s fine, the life of the party shall not be vacant. I think I might be a chicken, it can happen to the best of us, and I think that’s what I am, for such an emancipated girl I sure find a lot of excuses not to do shtuff, “just kiss 10 boys” or “he’s a friend of a friend” or even “he’s just not my type”, staying on that subject, evidently my type is the one that’s unavailable, if they want me then I think I will just go with a super condescending and idiotic “meh” and stay the hell away from that. So this so far could be because if they really like me there is something wrong with them, or because they don’t really know me, or because a guy liking me is living proof of the impossibility of the whole “My best friend’s wedding theory”, and we all know how scientific that one is. So I talked with an ex-something and reached the brilliant conclusion that it has to be something that grows in a parallel way with your own affections, if they like me more then I like them I will “meh” them, and if I like them more we go back to the 20sec challenge, ‘cause that was fun.

So back to emancipation, evidently that’s not my case, and I just come up with a ton of excuses to justify the fact that I’m a prude. And I have to say, I have a somewhat dirty/creative mind and an even worse mouth, and on top of that no shame whatsoever. In my latest expedition to “No Shame Land” I ended up with an uncuddelable bed mate, he’s nice, lucky he’s nice and doesn’t stink.  Anyway, maybe I’m a prude, I have to go and read the meaning of that one just to be sure what is my new self-definition usually it means the opposite of a slut, and for sure I’m not a slut, I would bring such same to the house of sluts, they would never be able to show their boobs in public again! Ah, simpler times..

I am an un-emancipated prude and so, I need a t-shirt. Proud and prude. Rocking the prudness. Emancipation is overrated. The 40’s were the golden days. I am prude and un-emancipated and so I asked permission to make this lousy turtleneck.. It’s a work in progress, I am a recent prude after all. 

The Epiphany

I downloaded the movie “my best friend’s wedding” the other day. I like that movie, always have, and I remembered that I saw it when I was really young and then it was forgotten for a long time, but as I was seeing it I remembered that I was deeply impressed by the movie, for me the message was “you will never be the chosen one, you will love with all your heart but in the end he will always chose another one, another more perfect one and you must find a way to be ok with that because it is as it should be” this became a secret percussion in my mind, my dolls had a incredible sad love life, filled with sorrow and stoicism. Part of it I am blaming on my parents marriage, but I had this distinct and clear idea that a good part of it can be traced back to this movie, so in my mind I think I have conditioned all of my relationships to this, I always braced for disaster. I think I had a much relevant role in their incredible explosive ending then I thought. Maybe I chose things that were meant for failure, people that I knew were leaving and I always knew that it would never work but I guess I craved the confirmation of this prerogative and I allowed myself to get sad when the proverbial shit hit the proverbial fan. This was kind of an epiphany, maybe I deliberately chose things that would blow up on my face just because it was I was wired to expect. I had a boyfriend, he had a million faults and he was a son of a female dog when we broke up, but now maybe, I had a lot to do with it, maybe my responsibility is much bigger, maybe I wasn’t flexible on purpose to see how thinly I could stretch his limits. Maybe I knew all along that doing what I was doing would lead to that inevitable end and I was powerless to stop it just because I wanted to see the result, I wanted to be proven right, I think in the end I wanted the power to say “I always knew this would end like this, I always knew I wouldn’t be the chosen on” more then I wanted to be happy. This is very saddening. I am thorn between being disappointed with myself or being happy that I finally got to the bottom of this question. I will replay this in my head a thousand times until I juice out all the possible meanings and implications of this discovery. In the mean time I will do my best to be happy with the fact that somehow I managed to find people that try to prove me wrong and that maybe now that I know this I won’t make the same mistake, maybe now when I see the headlights I will be able to move out of the way instead of getting hit with the car to prove a point. There is some deep shit going on here.

Dr Phil said

I was just told that due to my lovely temper there is a great possibility that I won’t be able to make someone happy for a long time, the exact words were “I don’t think you can make someone happy, I mean, for a long time. For a little time sure, but not for ever”.  There are only two people whose opinion I even consider, this pearl of wisdom came from one of them of course. I don’t think it is true, I know I can make someone happy, for as long as they make me happy. Fuck her! I feel very immature for letting this get to me, so who cares if she has this misconception about who I am. First, I can be whatever I want, second, I can do whatever I want, so if I want to be happy and to make someone happy that’s what I will do. And by the way, fuck her! I am, probably almost, done with letting others opinions of me influence my notion of self worth. I thought about this and I prefer to be out of touch with reality then to live others realities for me. Who died and made her king of all reason? She doesn’t know shit, and that’s fine, it’s not like it’s her fault, if I don’t tell her who I am then her misconceptions are my responsibility. With that being said, I really have no intention of changing, I am tired of accommodating her needs and her feelings, and I return I just get this lovely feedbacks about what she thinks of me. A lot of people would like for me to want to make them happy, and just because they have no firm grasp of reality that doesn’t mean that I am worthless. Fuck her! You only get so angry when you love someone, and sure, I would love for her to be proud of me, actually I don’t want to aim so high, if she could just stop calling me names I would appreciate it, peace would be enough, I have no need for victory. Dr Phil said “do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” so I don’t want to be right, I just want to be at peace. Who the hell does she think she is? She is not the omniscient representative for all the reason on earth! She is just a lonely person trying her best, I know it, and everyone else knows it, except her. Don’t you dare try to tell her this, you will be labeled as arrogant and all your posterior opinions will be disregard as the “makings of a madman”. Fuck her. Fuck her opinion, Fuck her ideas, Fuck her need to be right,, Fuck her loneliness, Fuck her misconceptions, Fuck her rudeness, Fuck everything that I don’t agree with. If you have some time to spare, Fuck me as well. 

Much obliged. 

Projecting my shit

I have always put my thoughts into writing, it’s my way of understanding them. There is nothing like the feeling of seeing your ghosts take a shape that you can touch, writing makes it all real, and reality is always clearer then, I guess everything non real. I wrote something called “the diary of our breakup” where I would write for pages and pages about what I was thinking and feeling, and the reason I did that is because I was sick of listening to myself, if I was sick, I can only imagine how my friends were, I wrote so I would keep my friends, I will be there if any of them needs me, but I’m not sure I would have ability to be as kind and patient with any of them would the situation be reversed. And that’s how you know you don’t deserve them. I was looking for something else and I found some letters, letters I wrote a long time ago, and for someone who doesn’t believe in coincidences they sure do happen. Some time ago I was talking to my friend and she was in a similar situation to mine, to be clear, my ex traded me for another person just because he wanted more sex, something like that. Some years ago her boyfriend did the same thing, and after it happened she thought “ok, that’s out of your system now we can pick up where we left off”, and she thought I was going to do the same thing. I was so stunned that I didn’t even say that that thought never even crossed my mind. This entire possibility that I could just be ok with everything and have such a rational approach to this was inconceivable to me. And I’m a bit ashamed to admit that I have been thinking about the what if’s of the question, but today I found some letters, and in one of them I said “I assure you that no matter how much I want you back, I will never do anything to make that happen. And if you want me back in your life you will have to change so much, and I’m not even sure I’m worth all of that”. Little pearls of wisdom! I’m so happy that I wasn't a complete idiot, I will sleep without my idiot self tonight, she’s uninvited.

There’s a guy who never recognizes me, we met seven times in the past month, and he never knows who I am, and that’s the perfect reality check in the world. Good for you for not knowing who I am! Although I’m starting to get annoyed at it, I think it’s for the best, it’s refreshing and new and just the right amount of irritating. This is where interest goes to die.

Tonight I was feeling sad, and alone. I miss my friend, and a little bit more than that. I was sitting in the garden, getting bitten by everything that was there and feeling grateful that my dog was there with me just leaning a little bit against my back, just enough so he could still be in petting range. So I’m thinking that it sucks that my neighbors are having what sounds like an awesome party and I was there all alone, thinking how much I missed the idea of someone. And then my dog, who weighs at least 25kg started trying to get in my lap, like when he was a puppy, of course he could only fit one leg, a head and part of the shoulder blade on my lap, leaving the rest of it, hanging ridiculously on the floor, in what seemed like the most uncomfortable position in the world, he just wanted to be held for a little bit, and although I am one hundred per cent projecting my shit on my dog, I had this feeling of democracy, we all just want to be held and completely loved, even if it’s just for as long as we can withstand the ridiculous pose, so if we are all searching for the same al alone, then we have each other’s miserable company, all except me, I’m a blast..

I regret kisses

I have a friend who keeps me grounded. He doesn’t mean to, really, he means nothing, but I can’t help to get a little carried away when it comes to him, my mind goes to places it shouldn’t, and I have to make this idea, this build up that is so detached from reality that it scares me. My mind makes me sad, no. My mind takes me places, makes up scenarios where I’m incredibly happy, and then reality brings me back. But never all the way down, I get to this suspended happiness, because if I can think it then there is a chance it can happen. And that’s where he comes in, he doesn’t even try, like most man haha, he just Is and is the most cruel and honest wake-up call ever. I don’t think, obviously, in general of course, but about love specifically, in love I just am, I will happily go wherever I’m taken. This doesn’t come from a passive attitude, I have my eyes on the end goal, always seeing the broader picture so who cares if a few strokes are a bit different? It’s all a part of the picture. He thinks. He over thinks, he is a planner, my sister told me that she didn’t liked him for me, because he just “knew too much about life” she knows I don’t think, she knows he does, he has a plan, and it’s dangerous to play a game when you don’t know by which rules the other one is playing. So I get carried away, and he never does. It’s always wrong until it’s the right one. I have kissed 7 guys in my life and I have this idea that I don’t want to get to double digits and still be looking for whatever, I have 3 more chances, 3 more guys to kiss. Now when the situation presents itself I have to think “is this worth one of the slots?”, and thinking is good, but then again, so is kissing, and you only regret the things you didn’t do right? Although I regret a few of those kisses, actually I regret kisses I had but zero I hadn’t... I’m in a dangerous mood, a friend is coming, a nice sweet kissable friend. Note to self: start thinking, and the sooner the better. Can you exorcise your kissing needs by writing about them? The inside scoop says no. step away from anything even remotely kissable, when in desperate need picture          . If you get nauseous from picturing someone kissing someone does that mean that you have feelings for that person? If so I have much more feelings then what I thought, it’s freaking feelings Christmas over here. Dangerous times call for dangerous games.

Exactly how many

What if you had a magic something that could answer to all of you questions? Could be a magic ball, a magic pair of underwear, a magic toast, doesn’t matter. What would you ask? Besides all the important stuff I would ask the most random questions ever, I was thinking about this today, the rules are: you have unlimited questions and the answers are either numbers or yes and no, and of course it has to be something that is can actually know.  I would ask a ton of times the most random questions ever, “how many people are pooping right now in the entire world?”, “how many tomato seeds exist in my salad?”, “is my wallet/keys/purse/phones in this house?”, “did anyone noticed that I went out with my grandmothers nightgown?”, “how many people laughed at me instead of with me?”, “was it real?”, “Will my parrot ever stop biting me?”. And then you have the practical questions, the everyday life questions “Is this jackass telling the truth?”, “is the file I need in my computer?, “am I forgetting something?”, “is this cleavage too much?”, you get it. No more wondering, I could live without wondering about this trivial questions, but most of all I think it would be the best thing ever, you would always have new things to ask and then you would be the unbearable person who knows everything. Beautiful

If you could know exactly how many times you would still fall in love, would you do it? Would you like to know? Is this a similar question to the famous “would you like to know when you are going to die?”. Do we regard the mystery of love the same as we do death?

I think, given the choice I would like to know. I can live without the mystery, I sometimes reed the end of books, I only read it after I create a bond with the characters, I care about them, and knowing what is going to happen gives me time to process it. I always need time for that, I am not one to make rash anything, decisions, judgments, statements. I think it’s just because I hate regrets, I hate that feeling that I did something wrong and that I can’t take it back. This is beyond the point.

I would like to know what’s the ending to my book, not specifics, but in general strokes. Will I ever live in a house filled with cats, or will I die a horrible painful death while young, or something else, nobody knows. A part of your future is your responsibility, but it can’t be 100% you, that will drive you crazy. If 100% of your future is your responsibility then, all the special shit that happens to you is also your fault, as well as all the shit that doesn’t happen to you. You and I are not 100% responsible for our future, I am still crunching the numbers to see exactly how much are we to blame for it, so I will get back to you on that one.

I wouldn’t like to know when I will die though. When you know that you start counting down, I never want to count my days down to zero, I want to add them not subtract them. I feel like moving. I feel like disappearing, Houdini is gone but not forgotten.

13

13 and not turning into anything interesting. It’s when you start wanting to be interesting to others It’s that age when you start to want to be a part of someone’s fantasies. It was not personal, a rock could do that, but it’s when you start developing your sexual identity. I go to the doctor, I have a weird looking waist, it’s more pronounced in one side not a big deal, it’s just uneven. X-ray and I have the first picture of my spine, it’s not what it was supposed to be, it has a detour, it’s a lovely S. At 40 degrees you get surgery, I had the lucky 57. So here I go. My mother takes advantage of this excellent opportunity to pretend to be an interested mother, it’s perfect, she loves crisis, she gets to prove that she is there for us, but only if it’s a short crisis, otherwise she loses interest and you are left to deal with it. She has crisis ADD. We went to this osteopathic doctor, and he says that my curve is affecting my emotional balance and my ability to feel happy in a constant way, I have a curve that makes me unbalanced, and the irony is not lost in me. So he tells my mother that I can’t sleep on my side, just on my back and without a pillow, and if she could get a wooden board for me to sleep on it would be perfect. All to which she complies without question, it was not her so it’s all fine. She should also wear a vest. A hard plastic thing that you wear 24h a day underneath your clothes but always with an undershirt, even in summer. So we went vest and track suits shopping because it was the only thing I could wear with it.

I’m in high school, in a new school, I don’t know anyone and I looked like this athletic person when in reality I hate running and I couldn’t move. I made friends despite it, and even some guys decided that they liked me, bless their hormonal souls, but no one knew. I had no power over what was happening to me, my mother decided for me and left me alone to deal with the consequences of her choices, even if that’s not what she meant, that’s how it felt to me so I guess in the end there is no difference. After some time, one year, two years don’t really remember I started to lie, I lied to everyone, I was good, it was perfect lies and no one caught me. I lied about borrowing clothes, about where I was, about if I was wearing it or not, some of them were lies by omission. There is no difference. I was lying to my sister and she started to cry, she was so sad so disappointed at me for lying to her, I will never forget her face. I have no more lies in my life.

I went to a consult and I had 24º or something like that that to me, translated in “you are free, you are finally free”, so I stopped wearing it, and I shouldn't have, no one did anything to stop me, my mother’s ADD kicked in so there was no one paying attention to what I was doing and I did what I wanted. She blames me for not being better, she thinks it’s all my fault for making such a bad decision, she lets me know that often. She made me do it, my opinion didn't matter at all, but now it’s on me, it’s my responsibility it’s all my fault that I’m not perfect like I should be. The first time I was going to the beach with my ex-mother in law my mother said to me “you should keep your shirt on, she might not like you for her son when she sees your back”, such a lovely person. She kept me from trying this things that I always wanted to do, like ice skating and surfing because they might not be good to me, I can only blame myself for listening to her and not doing them.

 I went to another consult, first one in 7 years, the doctor said that I can do anything I want, no restrictions except lifting weights, endless possibilities just opened for me, and I’m scared to grab them all. I had to always play it safe, I had to be super careful and responsible and now I can do whatever I want to do. I will die from all this freedom. I’m not better, but I’m not worse, and I kicked my mother out of my consultations so it’s just me and my sister who keeps telling me that it’s not as bad as it could be, she is still pregnant and if she knows what’s good for her she will stay pregnant for as long as she tells me things like that, for you cannot hit a knocked up lady. Everyone wants me to have surgery, I can wake up from it and never walk again, not to mention that I could not wake up at all, so if I do it, I will do it because I want it, it’s the only way you can live with the consequences of your choice. If I do it, it will be for me, it will be because I think it’s the best for me, just like a smart grown up should do. I should know, I asked a few of them. Pff! I don’t know any smart grownups thank god!  

Number Zero

I have written a thousand posts, on, two, eight, every day. I can’t seem to have the time nor the energy to write them down, but that’s not the reason, I think I had a hole somewhere and now that I know it’s there I can try to do something about it. I beg the pardon of every person who was counting on this to make a small contribution to their day, I feel unworthy of all your attention. I will do my best to never fail you again. I made a restart. So now I am restarted and fully rested.

Number One: I’m never going to let my kids watch cartoons, doesn't your soul curl inside every time a child pretends to be a cartoon? With those stupid noises and body comedy, like when they pretend to run into a wall, and do the whole routine. That’s grounds to give a child up. Can you imagine a home for kids that were ditched by their parents because of, totally viable reasons that are just not accepted by society? “I’m a selfish little prick” “I scream to get my parent’s attention” “I think I’m a princess” “I think I’m a cartoon” “I’m useless” … kids are born these perfect little things, the people who raise them are the ones who screw them up. Having a kid who pretends to be a cartoon could be grounds to be excomungated if that still meant anything.

Number Two: I was walking the other day, in my favorite beach, in the most perfect day off all, with my mp3 blasting the best music, and then all of the sudden, our music started to play, I could not breath, My body wanted to shut down I had to stop. It took me by surprise, I am fine, I am done and I am over all of that. I have no regrets but something literally started to hurt inside of me, I have no idea what it was, but it was there, I think it’s unfinished, my thing with you is unfinished, not dead but not alive either, it’s suspended. It feels like an open door, not a door, it’s an open window, so tall that you can’t reach it but you for sure can see the light. This possibility kills me but it also lights me up.

Number Three: You little piece of shit! Who the f*** do you think you are to just ignore me? You are not too busy to reply to me, I was your friend even when you knew way better than me what was going on, how you were screwing with me, you knew! And I had no idea. You good for nothing worthless sample of a man! I am going to smash it, swear to all the gods I will smash it to bits, I will film it and make you watch. Who are you to decide that we are not friends anymore? I was nothing but kind to you. Why are you being so mean to me then? Why do I let you be in my life if you don’t bring me any joy?

Number Four: Your friends think you are in love with me, they tease you about it and you over compensate it by mistreating me, you don’t love me in the romantic way they think they saw, but you love me, and I love you, in a very platonic way. But why does the idea of us together makes you so uncomfortable? Could it be true? Please don’t let it be true, I love that I can sleep with you and feel completely safe, I love that I can just hug you for as long as I need and you don’t read too much into it, nor do I get the feeling that you just let me do that to feel my boobs. I love that we are friends, please don’t let that change you idiot. I need all the friends I can get.

Number Five: The definition of completion must be this, a bike, a beach a sunset and an mp3 with just the right music. The feeling that you have when you don’t want to change a single thing in that moment is incredible. It’s so sad that you want to change so many things in a normal day, maybe it’s just me, and maybe it’s only me that wants to change all the stuff in her life.

Number Six: So I met this Italian guys, and I was shocked, they were so nice and funny, and actually smart. Good for Italy for still being able to produce two very good specimens of the male side of the specie. Don’t get me wrong, I met my fare share of handsome Italians, but none of them was even remotely nice, there is just something about them. One of these Italians had an amazing insight about this conundrum, he thinks that Italians in vacations have this panties seeking radar, and that is all they see. But in their main land they are normal people, normal nice guys, as nice as a******* on vacation can be in their “real life”. So now we update the idea that all Italian guys suck, to the hope filled new plan that “All Italian guys suck when they are on vacation”. Congrats Italy.

Number Seven:  People ask you if you want to get married, or if you want to have kids. You have this idea. So this was an evolution for me. First I wanted it all, wanted to marry my first love and have four kids, I had this clear idea that every kid deserves to have a brother and a sister so four was the magic number, that was all that I wanted, I just wanted a person to go on the ride with me. When I was alone again, I refused to think about that, decided that since I would probably die alone I should just deny that, and convince myself that I didn't wanted any of those things so I would say that I didn't wanted to get married nor kids. So now that I think I’m ok again I had some kind of an epiphany. So now I want to find someone that makes me want these things. If you have a job opening you are looking for someone to fill that position, but I want something more, I want someone that makes me want to do those things, so from now on my, hopefully more elucidated answer will be “I don’t know what will happen to me, It all depends on what life brings”. I think it’s even smarter that I have no idea if this is better or worse.

Number Eight: I am the worst at reading people, it took me a long time to admit that, I thought I was good at it, but the evidences started to pile up, I make incredible wrong judgment of the people I meet. Now I know why, I mirror on them what I wish to see, I find in them the little things that give me hope that they are just like I want them to be. But they are what they are no matter what you want them to be, so the bottom line is, I suck at reading people. But I have this friend, and I have this feeling that he has one of those “forever” types of love to give, and he wants to give it, it’s hard to walk away from someone who could love you forever. I thought I had something like that and turns out it wasn't forever and yet another proof of how little I read people. The other time I was sure it wasn't for ever and it wasn't so if we forget the other five thousand times I was wrong you could say that I was getting better at this. He is coming here, and he could stay here and it would be something.

Number Nine: I am stranded in an island, It’s an island made of work and weirdness, and all around me are incredible good looking people, that are partying all the time and having a blast, never the awkward potato was a more accurate title to describe me, but I’m a bicycle riding potato, hopefully I will have incredible legs by the time this is all over, hurray for that.. I need a network system here, I have nothing and no one and that’s just not my style. I am going to do things, but what I can do now is just establish connections with a much older crowd. Well, I can do anything I want, and I say, let’s try to do both!

Number Ten:   “What we want to be and what we feel are two different things”

The right time

     It's hard to make friends, keeping them is even harder. We lose them to the weirdest things, boyfriends, girlfriends, possessions, time, life, alcohol, old age, locations. some of them find their way back, others not really, and sometimes you have to be the one who lets them go. Learning what is the right time to let someone out of your life is one of the most difficult lessons, I would love to know, know for sure that someone isn't worth it, that that person will bring me no more joy and even if they do, it will never be enough to balance out the bad things they will do. I'm not different from any other, i think we all would like to know it, or just to be sure of what we had done. I had to cut off some people, but they left me no choice, I will never walk away from what I love, but I will also never break, and you can only bend so far. When people drive you to the brink you can only break or walk away, and you should never feel bad for doing what you have to do in order to survive.

      Anyone who lets anything get in the way of your friendship maybe wasn't a true friend. but then again, people come to your life, and serve their purpose and then they leave. Isn't this a variation of the damn "everything happens for a reason"? Shit happens, not for a reason, but because shit happens, that's all. So people enter and leave your life randomly? They might enter as a random thing, but they, or you, chose to let them leave.

     I think i'm going to vote some people out of my island, I like to keep a tight ship, keep your friends at large and your enemies nonexistent.

     I hate that move of the "i will just stop engaging the conversation and eventually they will feel like "oh we just lost touch" and i'm like "no we didn't! it was all in my plan!", it's the trade mark of a non confrontational person, be bold and brave, tell it like it is, move on and let them move on as well. Don't you think they feel like they are doing all the effort? that they are not appreciated? ... what a load of crap. I hope we are all doing our best to be our best, we all screw things up. I'm taking the lion share of it, I'm a screw up hoarder.

     Make them tall  make them fat and short, make them thin, make them sad and joyful, make them from all around the world, make them gay and straight make the from your neighbors, make them non-humans make it with the ones who bark make it with the cakes you bake and with the people you hate. Make friends from all walks of life, and cut out the suckers who don't want to make you happy. 

For sure tomorrow

       All I see around me are couples, people grouped two by two, couples couples everywhere. Do you only see what you want or you look for what you dread? 

       What is this need not to be alone? Why are we all so afraid to be alone? Today there was a show on TV about unlikely friends, it was a blind horse and an old goat, a goose and a tortoise, and a white gibbon and some Capuchin monkeys. Not even animals want to be alone. The white gibbon was a circus animal so he couldn't connect with other animals of his own species, he only felt comfortable with young Capuchin monkeys, and they didn't let him be a part of their family, none of them accepted him and he had no one, he called and called and no one answered. The adult monkeys didn't liked him, he was bigger and stronger them them, so they were scared of him, they used their numbers to keep him out of the family. Only the young Capuchin tolerated him, so every year he had to make new friends, because the monkeys out grew him.

       When they become adults they have different perspectives on the events, I guess we all become more judgmental with age.

He is the forever alone gibbon, always on the outside looking in with no one to love and no one to love him back. This is the rule for humans as well, you are the lonely white gibbon until you, per some kind of miracle find another weird white gibbon to be with, then you are the one laughing at the ones who just don't get it.

     We were our love like a medal of honor, your wedding ring is the "I made it, I survived and someone loves me" statement that you wish you could cream at every weird white gibbon. In the name of all the weird ones, you can stop now, we all get it, and we all are trying our best to be happy for all of you.

       Now the unthinkable twist, what if we like to be like this? Are we ready to go against what feels natural to us? Are we forcing ourselves to be happy in our involuntary loneliness or are we discovering another unlikely friendship? Maybe some of us don't need anybody, or even worst, Maybe we don't want to be paired up. Is it resignation, bitterness or an evolutionary leap? Can we redefine what makes us happy, or genetics will always have the last word?

      Love is real. It can be wonderful or it can suck really bad, but it's real. If it never finds you, it's a matter of survival that you find happiness in your life style, if you never fall in love you have no choice but to be happy. However, if the bastard sneaks up on you you can either listen to it or just ignore it. You can really try to be happy taking no risks and making no hard and difficult choices, you will find a way to be alone and contempt. You can be only completely happy if, either love never finds you or if you take chances if it does. Playing it safe never helped anyone helping themselves.

     I'm trying something new, for the thousand time. I will lay low, so low that no one will ever find me. I am in dire need of a break and some peace and quiet. I found that i write about what is on my mind. when i needed courage, or was trying to inspire courage to someone i couldn't write about anything else, and now, it seems that i can only write about relationships and their meaning. I have been thinking about that for quite some time. I'm in search of something new to write about, if i write about what i think, then it's time to start thinking about something different. The time to change is now. Or tomorrow. For sure tomorrow. Monday is the right day to change.

Tomorrow we all change together.

The same place

     He's moving for love, he's in love with a girl in another country and so, obviously he is moving. different country, different "language", different job, friends, house, food, different everything. And he's still moving, after weighing things he came to the conclusion that everything would be worth it if he would be with her, and from what I heard she doesn't even like him like that much. So he's moving for the promise of love, the possibility of being happy with her is better then the security of normal life without her. Is that what love is? Is that bravery? I try, but I can't see the poetic of it. I would move for love. For love of myself, with the complete knowledge that I was doing that to make myself happy, because being with that person would make me happy. What type of person would move for a possibility? Isn't that a bit desperate? Isn't that "Hey i'm here so love me please? Now that we are in the same place and everything is easy and uncomplicated lets really try to be together yes?" It's easy to make it work when you are in the same place. Easier. Isn't that the start of something that is broken to begin with? If it didn't work while it was hard isn't that the ultimate test? If it's "meant to be" shouldn't it survive the hard times and make it trough to the other side? Is that contradictory? A girl who wouldn't move for a possibility thinks true love conquers all. I've heard strangest things.

     Some other friend. She's the one moving. But they tried their best to make it trough a hard and difficult situation, and they did. They worked really hard to make it, the time was also right. Don't take credit away from them. It was hard, and they, so far, made it. That makes me proud, and hopeful and of course, in the true friendship spirit a bit self-conscious with just a pinch of jealousy. Can you be completely happy without that little bit of jealousy from your less fortunate friends? Than how could you be condescending talking with them all the way from your high horse? My horse died a long time ago. Not long enough to stop tormenting my tired should. "I can still recall our last summer, I still see it all.. memories that remain"(insert sad corny ABBA song here). If I had true friends at least one of them should have kicked my ass, when I was oh so righteous on them. Never, ever, ever, again. 

     It's a delightful ride though, you think you can see it all from that impossible high horse, I would suspect it holds a striking resemblance with getting high, you think you can see clearer then ever, but the truth is that it's all a bit foggy.

     They are moving. Anywhere. For love.. Maybe they know something that we are still trying to figure out, maybe the view from inside the fog is much better then out here in the cruel bright real light. I hope for the best. I'm feeling claustrophobic.

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage" Anais Nin