Hey.
How are you? Remember me? Remember this?
I am writing you from a very confusing time, I've always wished this worked both ways.
Remember the last time I did this? I was so scared, I needed some advice and after writing it I never felt so alone, there was no answer. But I remember when, 2 years later I re-read it, and it felt so little, so small and unimportant, here's to hoping here's to coping.
So you are going to have surgery, yes. And nothing is going to be the same after it, you will never be just you again it will be you plus whatever parts they put inside, never more you will say this is just me, 100% me, not that I walk around saying that.
I keep thinking about lasts, the last time I will be able to bend this way, the last time I will stand like this, the last time it's just me. I am so scared. There is no turning back, no way you can decide, no this is not for me, take me back to where I was natural. It's going to be a new way of life, relearning how to do everything. living with the fact that you are limited and less of a person. Yes I think I will be less of a person after it, I also think I will hate it, and I will be for ever unable to feel in love with what I am. I feel like the time that I love myself is coming to an end and I will just relearn how to relate to myself without that.
It's a deja-vú all of it has happened and I should draw experience, knowledge and tranquility from the past.
It will be alright, I am stronger then what I give myself credit. I will find a way to live a happy life because I know no other way to live, it's a good thing, I have no alternative so it's for the best to stop dwelling on the bad part of the future. the part where I won't dance anymore, or do yoga, or feel like myself. but maybe this new self is better then the last one, this one could be better and tougher.
I cringe when I wear "It's not going to be that bad" I know that's what I would say to someone while secretive being so thankful that it wasn't me. I hear that I want to scream "I know you are happy it's me and not you!" oh shit, I want to say that so bad.
"you hadn't had the most active life to begin with"
"yes you little cunt, but now if i want to change I can't THAT'S THE ISSUE!"
"everything is going to be fine"
"oh, did your magic toenail told you that? stop saying bullshit and tell the truth, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT"
"ah you will be so tall"
"yes, finally people will stop pointing at me in the street, my dream come true"
"all the clothes are going to fit you so well!"
"they fit me just fine now! stop telling me that I 'm not enough right now"
Ah the joys of human interaction.
So, I hope that you, me, is, am, having a great active life, not dead, crazy in love with something, finally fit and with a great ass, that the good things outweigh the bad, and that you, me, regret nothing. I hope I'm doing the right thing, and forgive-me, yourself, if you didn't. By the God I no longer believe exists You, Me are just doing, all alone, the best we can. Who can ask for anything else?
One way or the other it will all be over soon.
