Kiss them when they are alive

     I remember my first wake. It was a parent of a friend of a friend of my mother, who ever it was, i had no connection with, it allowed me to merely observe. The first one was the most impressive one, that's why i remember it so well. We went there in the dead of night, it was winter, cold and dark. In a square there was an old church, tall and grey, we had to go around it, and in to the small paved garden. There was a huge dark wooden door, one is open, the other is closed and it's so dark inside. We go in and it's a pre-chamber small, can't imagine it having more then four square meters, full of people that you can't really see. I was looking up at them looking down on me. Behind all of them there was a light, it was a dimmed lighted room, but it seemed infinitely brighter then where we had come from. It was such a tall room that the light could not touch the ceiling, it seemed never ending. The walls were covered with tiles, blue tiles filled with drawings of other pious people, it created the feeling that the room was not squared it was never ending, a wormhole. The sound. There was a sound, a chant, a never ending music that went on and on for all the time i was there. A group of old women from the north were praying, they had to pray for the soul of the departed, and they sang their prays. They would be locked in with the corps and they would sing all trough the night. I remember a coffin with a white cloak, nothing else. 

     Dead people never look like living people, never saw a dead person, that even reminded me of the living version. They are always so yellow, and swollen. I think they put something in their mouths. Some people kiss them, they are saying goodbye to something, there is nothing there anymore. Kiss them when they are alive, that will make a difference not when they are dead. 

     Here there is nothing like that, it's a modern cold room, it even has a coffee machine, it lacks theatricality, but not sadness. He is dead, and now she will wake up for the first time since she doesn't even remember when, all alone, a widow. Now there is no one that will look at her and remember how gorgeous she used to be, no one to love the way she is now because of what she used to be, no one to look after her the way only a lover can. She is so small, so delicate, she looks so fragile, but she is stronger then this, i hope. I like her, always did, she was always so nice to me, and she still is, she had a bit of time to talk with me and spare some kind words to me, like i'm the one who needs them. Don't really know what to say to her. I will tell her good news, that will make her smile, she looks pretty when she smiles. I remember some of this faces from when i was younger, they don't know who i am, my mother strayed away, i just need to avoid eye contact with anyone and i will be unidentifiable.

     We start burring our grandparents, then our parents and then our own. I can't imagine a time where my friends are becoming widows and widowers, we are still searching for the first "the one" to marry, no one is getting married now, not yet anyway. We are young, and i feel so old, i feel that i should be somewhere that i'm not. Maybe age sneaked up on our parents and they are also surprised that their friends are dying. Wakes are also a social gathering, an opportunity so see old friend that life pushed away. Please let's keep in touch. I don't want to go to a funeral and be glad to see my long lost friends, i want to go with all of you.

     No one is crying now. there are so many flowers, i only smell flowers and old lady perfume. His parents are here and they will bury their son. 

What is the deal with all that water?

     So there is a large group of older people in front of me, this is the oldest kindergarten class in living history. They are exactly like i was when i was in high school, playing, not wanting to work, looking for any excuse not to do whatever brought them here (writing for a blog is a constructive occupation. I am creating a compendium of social behavior let’s go with that. Back to business) talking out loud, laughing, flirting with the male group member and vice-versa, looking for excuses to talk with the supervisor, he is not bald, although he is round and greasy, so if your shape is a round shape, and you sweat even in an conditioned environment apparently as long as you are not bald you are the definition of a sexy man when you get to 45, hang on tight man, your time will come, grab to your hair though.

      He is loving it, pretending to read/supervise while they just pile up longing for his attention, is that the male dream? Is he married? He is short sighted, so glasses. Uh! He frowned when they started to share a illegal snack (dear reader: on top of the tables Glasses with water and food are not allowed). So i ask, is that where you draw the line Not Bald man? At food sharing? At illegal food sharing? They can run wild and free, like a bunch of drunk teenagers but f-o-o-d is not ok?
      I bet he is married, this hypocrisy has to come from a married man who flirts around, is flirting cheating? He is looking this way! Yes, yes Mr. Not Bald, this is what respectable work looks like, take a hint and control your women!
       Have you hit rock bottom when kids tell grownups to shuuush? Is that it for you? Do you just give up and go full retard since you can’t really take any pride in this day? Even if you save a bus full of children today you cannot erase the fact that a 15 year old, very rightfully, just told you to shut up.
      What is the deal with all that water? Why do they drink so much water... Every single one of them has a 1.5l bottle of water. Is it because of the heat waves that menopause brings? Are they menopausing? Not possible, they are to young.
       Different brands so is not a social stand, different price range, not an economical stand, normal plastic bottles, not an environmental nor fashion stand. Their water stands for nothing. How can you drink water that doesn't mean anything? You are what you drink.
     Same old story, Loudwaterdrinkingnonmenopausalflirtywithsupervisor women. Seen one seen them all, am I right? Snap snap snap.

Sun in the sky you know how I feel

     You have this idea, this notion of what you want when you "grow up", some people have this picture perfect moment of what they want, they know what they want and how to get there their path is like a bullet. I don't know what happens after you hit your only target, maybe they imagine different targets as they go along. My sister had this thing, the only thing she ever wanted from life was to find someone to love and to love her. For her that is the definition of life, that is the sole most important thing ever. She has it. She is happy, she has everything she ever wanted. Sometimes i get jealous of her perfect happy life, thankfully she is a much better person then me, so before i let that carry me away i remember that i am infinitely happier for her then jealous. I am glad that she has such a good life. She could be the proof that good things happen to good people, you know, if we believed in that.

      Some people want the perfect job, some the perfect house, to live in the perfect place, to have something that would make their life perfect. Perfection comes from the inside out, not the outside in. To get to that perfect moment you need to work for it, so in the end you are responsible for that, it makes it yours. Enjoy.

      For me. I always wanted to work, to have a life bigger then what i had, not specific about what i was doing, or where, all i knew is that i didn't want what i had, nor to do what i was doing. After it changed, i wanted to have a family, i wanted to create something for myself that i never had, that would also would have made me very happy. I wanted a nest, that is what i was working for, My perfect thing has always been very blurry. Now i don't know what i want. I want it all and some more, much more. When you know better you want better, that results in the creation of a very complex picture, so full of things that it's hard to focus. It's a noisy picture. 

     I've been thinking about growing up. I think i am ready to grow up, i really want to. Not so sure i am ready to be a grown up. I still make a lot of mistakes. I will keep on making them and learning from them  i hope. Maybe i'm not ready, but i sure want to do it. You can't really go back can you? Once a grown up, always a grown up. I will trade the impossible liability of a child for the suffocating responsibility of an adult. I am done with depending, with leaning (trying to anyway). None of them make me. 

     I want so much that is scary that i might not get anything ending up disappointing myself, and that's the worst person you can let down. Forgive everyone but me. I'm my worst critic. I'm my worst. I should learn how to let go and look over my own flaws since i do that so well for every one else. I am the one that strives for more, never gets it and feels like a failure because of some impossible standards. I do not hold them for any one, just for me. I am my worst. 

Well that was depressing!

"Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel " The great Nina Simone

What a terrifying thing

     Sometimes i have trouble hearing people, i’m screaming so hard inside my mind. I’m happy. I’m a happy person. I’m not dramatic, i’m just me. 

     It’s sad when you are lonely. But maybe it’s sadder when you feel lonely and you are not really alone. When you are so surrounded by so many people who just don’t see how you really are. Can you really blame people for not seeing past your mask? “if they were my real friends they could see how really was”. That’s just  not true. With your real friends you don’t need to wear a mask, you can allow yourself to just exist in every aspect of yourself. You stop wearing some masks for some friends, but can you be everything you are in front of all of them? Maybe we have this fear that they will not love us anymore. Maybe we are just mirroring some serious lack of self love. 

     I feel free to explore all the possibilities. 

    Maybe it’s not lack of love. Maybe you just don’t want to expose yourself like that, you don’t want to give all that you are just to anyone, you want to keep somethings hidden, just for you. We are not made of all light. Is that what we see in a baby? Just light? No damage? We are born perfect, and then eventually we all get screwed up. Some worse then others. Some better then others. Can you split hairs about damage? 

Invisible damage is the worst kind, the one that you don’t even know it’s there, the one you don’t acknowledge because it will start rotting you from the inside out. 

     If it makes us who we are, what a terrifying thing a undamaged person would be. What would you talk about when all superficial things are said and done? I love damage, but sometimes i wish it didn't hurt so bad. I hope we all patch up out damaged self's we get better in somethings, and pick up new dents and rips. By the end we are the weirdest looking quilt, just a lot of patched things that we think have no business hanging out together  but they are warm, and they work. They are loved and we have hope. 

Ecosystem of mold

     I love having flowers in my house. They make me sad, they are already dying. They will go yellow, brown and eventually you have to trow them out. I have never thrown out any flowers out that haven't gotten all moldy and generated a different fauna and flora inside their jar, i end up with an entire ecosystem of mold, rotting flowers, some insects and a lot of unidentifiable brown and black things, and that's not even the point where i think they have to go, when they stink, that's when i am ready to surrender their body to the all mighty trash Lord. Is not that i'm lazy to trow them out, i just hate endings.

     It's worse when the flowers are a gift. I will keep them for ever, they see an old brown thing that was once a flower, i see something that i used to love. You can't trow things you love in the trash. More frequently then not, i dry some of them, i wish i could say that i remember where all the dried flowers that i have came from, but i don't, all i know is that i loved them all.

     So, if you receive a flower, it's pretty, but it's a dying thing. So, plants? I hate receiving plants. Why would you want to give a living thing to someone to take care of? "Hey i like you, and the best way to demonstrate that is by giving you the responsibility to take care of this LIVING thing for eveeeeer." That is a type of commitment that you are not always sure that you want to have, it's important, once you have it, you are not going to kill it, on purpose, so it should be something that you are sure that you want, it's like a Christmas puppy, you want it for life so you better be sure that you are ready for the commitment. Is this a commitment phobia? Can you really extrapolate a defining dogma of your life with plants? 

I am not ready to be defined by chlorophyll. 

I love this subject

The sun is in my face, i can hardly see a thing, it feels so good. How am i supposed to work like this? All i want to do is enjoy the sun, ironic that to get a place in the sun i need to work.. I just want to go, and do something else. And i am truly inspired by my thesis, i love this subject.

     I think i should change the chapter. Maybe start from the ending of it, and work my way back. The end is full of energy and plants, and pictures, and conclusions… i should do that. I will. But i need to finish this today. I should stop being a pussy. i should be better. I will strive for better. I promise i will try. But the sun is really in my face, i can’t see anything except my reflection on my monitor, i see myself looking at me. She looks mad… I've been a bitch, well not really, but I've been feeling bitchy. Good thing that i have this rule that prevents me from doing anything when i’m feeling crazy. I always hope that it will get better and that is just my crazy head. 5 out of 7 it is. It’s not so important. I wish i had some company. Lucky girl. She has the best company. Envy is such a ugly thing. She looks nice though, we all do when they look at us like that. Sure, give me 5 min to write about something unimportant and i produce one page. My thesis? 3 days for one paragraph.. lazy girl…

It’s coming along. This is actually interesting

Funny nuts

     Why do some people can't inspire great loves? Some just live a life of medium, warm, safe loves. I hear a lot of people saying "I am marrying the person i always envisioned myself with" or "He's my best friend" or " He's all i ever wanted" (Yes i do speak more with girls, do you know a lot of guys talking about marriage?). This is the question, if you end up with what you always wanted, how can you know that that is what is right for you? Of course you need some criteria to chose someone. But to want a safe love won't you be passing on a great love? Can you have it be warm and nice and still be great? It can be a great story, but i don't think it can be a great love. 

     You get what you bet. You bet big, you lose big or you win big, you can't bet small and get great. That's not how it works.

     Some people are safe, they can't really have great, so should they stop expecting something amazing? I like the philosophy of "expect nothing" it always makes you willing to try new things, and to be surprised, some times you get a bad nut, others you get a hilarious nut, and it's all alright.

     Why do you chose who you chose? I had a teacher that said "every woman needs four different man, one for friendship, another to make her laugh, another to make her think and another to assure a more primal need". Someone that can do all those things for you is the "full package". We have all been there, with someone that embodies one, two, maybe three of those qualities. If you find someone that makes it all work for you, hold on, it's a keeper.

     I have chosen nuts because of all of those qualities, the kindness on someone is very important, and i had that, a friendship type of relation, he was a really good person, so it was something nice and safe and warm, a great story, never a great love. Picked another nut because of looks, it's very hard to admit that that is why i did it, now that i look back i find him hollow of any other quality, so i guess i'm not that immune. Mind and intelligence nuts are the hardest to understand that they are not right for you, you envision challenges forever and some people like that, to live in a constant debate, and intellectual stimulation. But no amount of intellectual debates can replace good nature and kindness. You can debate until the cows come home but that won't keep you warm at night. Funny nuts are the best, they make you laugh and make life easier, but can you be with someone that just makes you laugh all the time? Maybe you need something more.

You are not supposed to commit to a person that just makes one, two or three of this things work for you, you need all the parts. Do you get them? Not always. But i would not change it for any of my nuts, their existence is justified by themselves, and it's just warm up to the main event. 

They can't play deaf for ever

     My sister is having a baby and my grandmother's is in the hospital and so am i. She's not going to die, she just has high blood pressure, she would never die without knowing her new grand granddaughter. I'm not worried. There is a huge thunder storm outside, just like in a movie. The sky is exploding in a lovely purple color, it light's up all the faces here and for a second we all stop. Everyone knows it's coming. Some are counting, others pretend they are not paying attention, others just hold their breath. For those seconds i can hear the sound of both televisions, different channels all bad news, in the waiting room. There is no magical silence. There are those who are deaf to this game. They have their problems, their life is more then a thunderous sky. A baby is crying. Maybe we all would do the same if we could, everyone is scared. They can't play deaf for ever. The thunder is here, faster then it should but slower enough to create a debate. I am thankful to hear less complaints about life and death, it's refreshing to hear the groups reorganizing it's members, segregating the ones that think the storm is moving away. This is barely a place for optimism. it's mostly certainly a sign of the apocalypse. It's what  they need. Something to kills everyone without differentiate. Impartial  to money, age, sex or order of arrival. Something that everyone can complain exactly in the same way. This is a relief.

     What an understanding thunder storm. Can be whatever you want it to be, except unnoticed.  Maybe i can get of work tomorrow.. 

     Nobody looks worried they just look anxious to leave, with her, to put this behind us, to keep calm and and carry on, with her. She is the soul source to all of my unfounded romanticism, she always thinks that is a great idea the prospect of a great love, nobody believes that anymore.. She does, why wouldn't she? She has lived one, she is still living her amazing love story. It hasn't been easy for both of them not to poison each other. If my grandfather had any clue where she puts the poison maybe he would had done it already. 

The lady sitting next to me is missing her front tooth, how does she floss? It looks like it's just a big gap. This is rude. Could you stop hitting me, "Accidentally"? Please? She's lucky we are in a hospital, after i am done with her she won't have to travel for long. I can take her. She has a beard. Is she a man? Checking for boobs.. investigating.. She is looking this way, be COOL!!!

     Ambulance, another unifying topic around here. will she make it? is it a baby? is there blood?

Thunder. Silence. Ambulance.

     My family is sitting far away from me. There weren't enough seats together. "I'm fine alone". I prefer it. Far from them, and from conversation. They would force me to say things, distracting things. Ambulance. Much prefer being here with my lovely male neighbor.