Sweet nothings

    You can't hide who you are in the small gestures. You can fake everything in the big ones, you can force yourself to have grand gestures of kindness and generosity and be neither of those things. In the small things you read the truth. One time I heard that love is in the little things.

    You show your love in the small things, those instinctual gestures, the things you do without thinking about it If you are not thinking and you still make an act of love, that is the sign that it has routes inside of you that it is a part of who you are. Sometimes the little things are so little that you can hardly see them, and you just have to believe that they are there. You have to Trust.

    Trusting is one of the hardest things to do. If you think about it too much it starts to quiver and to be less real. It has to be attached to something or else you can't trust someone. It is an act of love. Love is the fuel of trust. All types of love. 

    You can't trust for ever if you have nothing to love, if the concept of love is unreal or just slowly getting lost.  Love yourself in order to trust your judgement, to trust your decisions. When you start questioning your decisions have you lost some love for yourself? Maybe you are just loving yourself even more in order to make better decisions in the future, so better things can come. Maybe you lost some respect for yourself for making such a bad decision, and you love yourself a little less.

    When you have nothing, when you are living on sweet nothings, trusting is so hard. Is exhausting. Is a weigh slowly pulling you down, eventually you need to cut it of before you drown. The little things make trusting so easy. When you are loved trust is like a breeze, you can feel it and you know it's there although you can't really grasp it. 

    Trust is whatever you want it to be. Trusting in someone is believing that the person you trust won't hurt you, that they won't bring you pain. How they could bring you pain and where you allow them to hurt you is up to you.  

We are teachable

    What is a Thing? Bad "things" happen, good "things" happen."Things" are not the same as "Events" or "Experiences" these are abstract, they don't exist in the real world, they are the semantic result of a "Thing".

    "Things" are real, you can touch a "thing", and it can for sure touch you. Just because it exists can a "thing" be a bad "thing"? If a "Thing" is real then how can it be bad? 

    A person can't be bad, it can only do bad "things", a person is just a person. Bad and Good are just concepts that we use to try to explain something that doesn't need an explanation. We refuse to accept that "things" can merely exist. We feel the need to catalog it in order to explain it, so it can be understood. 

    We are all wrong.

    Certain "things " need no explanation, they need no cataloging, they don't have to make sense, and that is how they will be understood. The lack of a possible and rational explanation transforms a "thing" in to the closest thing of magic that we can find. To enjoy it you just need to let go.

    Let go of your ideas of what "things" should be. Let go of your expectations about the future of "things". Let go of the past of "things". Let go of your prejudice about "things". Allow "things" to just be. Look at it with newborn eyes.  

Sometimes when "things" happen they hurt you. We all know that feeling, the death of the expectation of something good, the death of the hope of something better. We try to learn. We try to predict hurt so when it comes at least it won't be a surprise, at least we had sometime to prepare for it, or run from it. The older we get, the more we all become filled with the fear of hurt and pain. We get fragile. Others call it wisdom. The wisdom to make the right choices, the safe choices, the ones that will never bring you pain. Wisdom has a different face.

    A select group of people refuses to learn. They find the strength inside themselves to always expect the best result of "things". They collect pain and hurt. It fills them up. And they live like they are empty. They live hoping. They are believers in the wonderfulness of "things". They found the antidote to the slow poisoning of disappointment. Maybe they just keep disappointment inside and transform it. Maybe they are so filled with hope that it cancels the disappointment. Maybe they learned all the lessons, they got hurt and are well acquainted with pain. Maybe they are just filled with faith. The strong believe in something based on a  conviction rather then proof. They have the strong conviction that good things will come, and absolutely  no proof of that. People, leaning in their "wisdom" call them fools, insane people, unteachable. 

    We are teachable. We just refuse to learn a lesson that brings no joy. That is the face of wisdom. Refuse what doesn't bring you happiness.

Finding Socks

    We have misplaced a number of things. Keys are never where they should. You call yourself just so you can find that your phone is making a break for it. Some socks have different aspirations in life and just leave you. 

    Can you misplace yourself?

    Maybe sometimes you also lose yourself, can you lose something that is always with you? Maybe you just put parts of who you are under bright things, so you can't see them anymore. If you are so full of bright things inside can it be bad? You never lose them, but they are misplaced. Those type of things, the things that define you, they need to be used or else they slowly fade away, like a painting in the sun until you are left with only the memory of who you were. 

    Why would you chose to hide parts of you? To not deal with them? Maybe sometimes they are just like extra weight in a sinking boat, you need to trow them away in order to stay afloat. Maybe you can only operate the basic functions to survive, to stay sane.

    When your world comes crashing down and you have nothing to hold on, you come crashing down with it. And when you crash, you must return to basic. Trust the people around you to take care of you, to influence you to move in the right direction. They are not you. You pic up pieces of other people to try to fix yourself. "You" becomes an obsolete description, is hallow. Rebuilding yourself is hard, is making hard choices everyday, is choosing not to do the easy thing over and over again. Is exhausting. Is scary to thing that it could happen again. That you could loose everything that you are. Everyday courage is still one of the most beautiful things in the world.

    If you ever find yourself lost, so deeply lost that you don't even notice that you are loosing yourself, find the people who will make you go forward, surround yourself with people who will make you happier and better. Every event has a lesson to be learned. Learn how to rebuild yourself and you will never be completely lost again.

Now we just need to find the socks.

SummerTimes

Sometimes you feel so full that something has to come out.

Sometimes you feel so full but you need to keep it all in

Sometimes you feel afraid that if you let something out you can't get it back

Sometimes you are everything at the same time. 

Sometimes you are so happy that you don't touch the floor, and yet you are weigh down by sadness 

Sometimes you are so many things at the same time that you feel empty

Sometimes you want what you don't have and curse what you do

Sometimes you want it all and are scared that you might get it

Sometimes you want to devour your entire future in a moment 

Sometimes you should leave it all in the past where it belongs

Sometimes you should forget

Sometimes you should be forgotten 

Sometimes you wish to live in a perfect world

Sometimes you wish them to stop being just flawed and human

Sometimes you wish you were wanted

Sometimes you hope.                                      

For the best, for the future, for something to change. 

Sometimes I hope to be someone else because life is kicking the s*** out of me 

We all have choices to make

    Growing up means to make choices, and take responsibilities for the consequences that might come of them. All of them. Good and bad, they always walk together. We all have choices to make. What is a good choice? why something is better then the other? "If it makes you happy it can't be that bad", wrong! yes it can.

    We all make bad choices, but if you learn, then it was not in vain. Is it? there are some lessons that we wouldn't mind to just have heard about. Some we wish we had never learned. We don't have a choice but to learn. and yet, we don't.

    Don't regret your choices, be proud of your mistakes. Wear your scars like a medal of honor. Fill yourself with pride because you can say, "i survived this". Make mistakes, by God make mistakes.

    Be brave to see an opportunity and to grab it, even if you know that is not the "smart" thing to do. Even if all the opinions that you respect tell you that it is a bad idea. Take a chance to start something new. Only you know what is best for you. Respect your own opinion. Make yourself happy.

  When a love ends you must let that part of you die the part with which you loved, if you love with all you have, all you are must die. And it did. Last time a love ended i was left alone, broken, hopeless, loveless. This time around, i won't let that happen. This time, it will leave me full, of hope, of joy, of  love. 

    Something leaving can make you full? Yes. Don't give more then what you can lose. Don't create unreal expectations. Don't let an exterior loci be responsible for who you are and your own existence. Stand alone and stand proud. Allow people to stand with you but never on you.

Aren't you happy you are all grown up?

Until words bound you

    Good writers make you live a story with them, with thousands of combinations they truly make words come to life. You are right there with them somehow living another life. But.

    Sometimes you say more with silence then you could ever do with words. Words bound you to something real, they have weight, they force something to exist, they label things. Words force you to existence and when something doesn't exist how can you talk about it? Silence can be whatever you need it to be. Silence is universal. We could all speak it. Sometimes is all you need. 

    How can it be that sometimes silence is fuller then words? Sometimes you can fill a room with silence, or someone else could have filled it for you. It can be overwhelming. You can suffocate with so much silence, sometimes is thick and dark, grabbing you by the wrists and demanding you not to speak, sometimes silence is stronger then you. Other times, silence can be a ray of sunshine, you can see it and feel it but it has no matter, is weightless You can't really grasp it, you just feel it. Sometimes all you need to say is nothing at all. and it feels wonderful.

 
    Maybe we like it so much because we can hear whatever we want in another person's silence, it can be everything you want it to be. It can be hope, understanding, support, love, forgiveness, wisdom. Until words bound you, reality can be whatever you make of it.

    Everybody can understand words they are for everyone. Understand your silence. Silence is for the chosen ones. Find someone that hears your silence and don't let go. No one speaks silence.

I have no time

    Time is relative, ten minutes can seem to last forever, or can go by in what feels like a second.

   Sometimes you can see it. You know you have time, but you can feel it slip away, you see it ending and somehow it hasn't even begun. I look for endings, never look for beginnings. 

    Beginnings happen even when you don't want them, need them or search for them. They just happen like wild flowers.

    Endings always happen,  inevitable balance of life, you can feel them all the time. I am a forced optimist, i force myself to believe that good things will happen and that the "heart of life is good". 

    Now the truth.

    I feel endings. The slow death of something that you love, every time something starts i feel the shadow of the time when it will inevitably end, i spend whatever time i still have thinking about the ending. My multitudes are never never in the sun together.

    Endings consume everything, nothing exists without the certain of its end so everything is tainted by it.

   The fact that you know that everything ends, makes you aware of the frailty of things, makes you enjoy them more, and be grateful for their existence. No. It makes you sad. Aware that nothing is set in stone. Be grateful for what you have, it will all end.

    How dark. Life is good. the bad things make it wonderful. The trick, find a way do enjoy endings, they are a part of something bigger and much more complicated then what we can understand, they make you who you are and determine what you will be. Living in fear is not living, so

    Live filled with gratitude and glee for where you are and what you have. So full that all the sadness can't seep trough. Live it and love it.          Drown it.

And you learn and you learn

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child.

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight.

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring your flowers.

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

1971, Veronica A. Shoffstall.

Today i tell a story.

"I love to laugh, Loud and long and clear, I love to laugh, It's getting worse ev'ry year"

    If there is a chance for me to get a good story out of any situation i will do it, doesn't really matter if it's nice, if it's a good idea or if it's legal. Age brings some wisdom, so i'm better now. Better then what i was before.. this is from before.

    A guy liked me, somehow he really did, for 5 years. I was 13.

    I got lost with a girl once in a new school, so we became friends, i hate location friends, we had nothing in common. And she fell in love with that guy. 

    Nobody though she was pretty, crocked teeth, thick glasses, very short, super long lifeless hair. But we were friends, we tried to be friends even though it was super weird. He complained about her to me, she complained about him to me, and i could not complain to neither of them. I'm working on my patience.

     She had such long hair, it reached her hips, long, dark brown, sad looking. But sooooo long ..

"I'm thinking about cutting my hair.."

"hum.. hum..  how much?"

"I was thinking to cut it like .. shaving"

"WHAT!? but why??"

"I've done it before, i was 8 and i loved it, i loved looking like a boy"

"wait, you are thinking about doing that so he will notice you?"

"Well.. no.. is really just for me.. kind of"

    I'm really better now.. honest

"Ok, if you think it will work, just do it, if you feel secure it will work, do it!"

"yeah, i will! i will cut it! i should right?"

"of course! change is always good! and if you have done it before.. you will look great!!"

"Yes! i will do it! thanks!"

    Everybody kept on complaining to me. Her new nickname was Kuririn/Crilin (bald guy from Dragon Ball). We are not friend anymore.

"I contain multitudes"

    Reading is the most wonderful thing, I've been reading relentlessly ever since i can.

    Because of the magic of the written word i lived a thousand lives. I suffered all the losses, I rejoiced in their happiness, and I walked miles and miles on other points of view shoes. After you have been millions you have no choice but to recognize your own insignificance and yet, somehow be completely sure that yours is the most important story. Live your Story, and turn it into History.

   A Portuguese poet once said "I contain multitudes" (Fernando Pessoa) three simple words that describe the entire world. People are infinite.

     I've been writing ever since i can remember, writing your point of view somehow makes it come to life. I looked back at the things that i have written here and i think i might have been writing for someone, leaving clues to something. I had no idea, but now i think i got it. I've been leaving clues for myself. 

    We all contain multitudes, a bit of me is in you and from now on i will only write for me.

"What one reads when he doesn't have to, determinate what he will be when he can't help it"_Oscar Wilde