Nightmares

I had a nightmare, this has been going on for a few nights now.

I have a new kind of nightmare, nobody dies in the dream, it only hurts when I wake up.

I dream of a time when I was loved, of a time when I wasn't alone and when I felt safe and a part of something instead of a loose piece.

Everything is calm and so peaceful, in the dream things feel right and natural, like it has always been like that. things aren't complicated and they never got messed up.

It's funny that I don't dream with who still makes me happy. I don't know why I only dream with who broke me. I was happy, so why not you? Why should you dream with the dead?

The dead make me tired when I wake up. I can't sleep anymore. I say it's the morning light in my room, the irony of it fills me. Remind yourself that everything changes, I just can't seem to make my heart learn not to mess with my dreams, my brain feels weird when I wake up.

No

I don't love you

I don't want you

I don't need you

Yes

I miss love

I miss a friend

I miss the warm

None of these things are connected. But sadly the worst is part of the best. The only frame of reference I have ends in a ... way, so that's what I dream of.

I thought I had a new frame, but you were made of watercolors, not even I can build of that.

I am sick. I am a sick potato and i'm turning into Vodka. I hope

Change I must or die I will

I am done with this life, I have no patience left in me. Change I must or die I will. I am not happy, I feel happiness, but I am not happy, it is no longer a part of my life. I am in suspended animation, a dreamless slumber. I am living with the idea of a change, of growing and leaving what doesn't make me happy. I know what it is, I know who they are, I understand what needs to change, I know what I have to do and for now I have to wait, but I am at the end of my rope, either I start living or I'm afraid I will die. what is depression? can you feel? Do you stop seeing? I don't know the difference, I feel that I am nothing now, I can't see anything. It's a miracle on it's own that I don't believe when people tell me that i'm worthless, Yes NOW I am, in this moment I guess you might have a point, but as a person I am better then this. You talk to me as if I am nothing, since I feel like nothing it's a special kind of miracle that I don't believe I am nothing. You lie. You don't know any better and that makes it extra hard to hate you.

You write what you are living, I started this blog writing about things exterior to me, that were opinions, advises, ideas. I scaled down to events and now to self-absorbing things, it's all about me, I hate when it's about me. I will try to find my way back.

If you and me got together. I wouldn't fight you, I wouldn't try to change you, I would try to accept you for all that you are, and in order to do that I would have to lower my expectations about what I deserve, I would, everyday, live with less until there was almost nothing left, You don't give if you can take, and you would take it all and give me nothing. One of these days I would wake up resentful and sad and with such a pain inside. I would be so disappointed at me for having allowed myself "live" with so little. I will never hate you, for it is impossible for a part of me to stop loving you. We will never work, you will never change and I wasn't born for misery. I hope I will stop wishing for things to be different, but I am happy for being able to see them for that they are.