The Celebration of Death

     One year ago i could not stop crying. Makes me so sad now to think how sad i was, how broken. All that seems so crazy now. So dramatic. If i could go back and tell myself all about the crazy adventures i was going to have that year. So. I am doing that today. This will be the short versions of the best adventures of this year. There were so many!

     There was a time i bunked at a friend's house, had a carrot for lunch and ice cream for desert, and we watched all of the Harry Potter movies in a row. It took us three afternoons  but we were not in a hurry so it was ok. I am for ever grateful to this friend, he was really there for me, he put actions where only words usually stand. And if he calls on me i will do the same.

     I went in to this abandoned farm with a friend, i met a crazy black horse. he tried to eat my shirt. In his defense  it was flannel, and not so nice on me. Fashion criticism from Mr. Ed. We still hang out.

     Got set up on a blind date to go to Bingo. He stood me up. Canceled 30min before.

    Made my first real presentation of a real work, for a real client in the real world. And decider to rock it with polka dots and all-star. I was a  lonely polka in the middle of sad suits.

     A long lost friend came back, i really missed him, his cooking at least. He really brought the winds of change, and no one saw it coming.

      I started drinking beer.

     I dragged a friend to the Fashion Night Out, walked to much, saw no one. By the end of the night we were the best dressed people in McDonalds.

     Had a photo-shoot, just, why not? some nice pictures appeared after a bottle of wine, she has crazy ideas.

     We all went to buy pastries at the factory at 23:00, don't underestimate the power of eating chocolate croissants at midnight with a bunch of your friends talking about everything in a "no shame" zone.

     The idea of a future eventually died. And made way for a much better one.

     Decided to go on a trip with two guys i've seen twice. So much sun, and laughter. They were so nice, and they will never know how much i liked hanging out with them. and i like it like that. I t made me feel like an adventurer, a cool traveler.

     Got evolved in the future of my university. I wanted a more active voice, and i have it now. I won't let it go.

     Went on so many teas, i'm a certificated tea expert. I admit it, i was, once, a tea slut. Went to drink tea with everyone. Hey! I like tea, and also company. Just the tea, nothing on the side. 

     The universe decided to teach my dyslexic ass a lesson and sent me, at the same time, four guys whose names started all with F's. I made my first pros and cons list about them, hint, if you need to make a list choose no one, they are all wrong.

     Went to see a closed exhibition and enjoyed the weirdest sun with an F. Serves you right, what usually sounds to good to be true probably is. I hope i will never trust someone that says exactly the right thing at the right time, now that sounds so wrong. I much prefer the ones that say the wrong things all the time, but mean the right ones. 

     Went on a trip to my place with two of my favorite living things, joined later by two girls who went there hitchhiking all the way, they said they were going to live like hippies. They don't. On the last day of that trip i met the strangest group of people. They hanged out together just because of logistics and not much more. Their bonds were made of pretzels, and they changed everything.

     Met a girl that is still on fire, slow burning but but still. Met a guy who empowered me by being an ass, i didn't think i could handle that, but guess what? Puny human. Met another guy, the worst poker player i ever saw, and an even worst shooter, at least we have tea.

     Went on castings with fake dancing and beer, went on trips with dog hair all over and huge sweaters,  went on parties where you could see your future "a long and interesting journey is waiting for you", and dinners, Italian dinners Portuguese dinners Slovenian dinners polish dinners German dinners Spanish dinners. went on crazy nights with Hamburg and Hamburgers, with pink hair guys and japanese girls, with muffins and chocolate cakes and cheesecakes. Sometimes i just went. I was moving so i would not stop. But now i have found a place from where i don't want to leave. I will carry this place with me wherever i go. This is not all. This is somethings, the parts. Some parts. 

A bunch of other people

     What goes around comes around. A loose structure like karma, you get what you give, but if you don't just wait because you will. So if you do good, and something good happens to you is karma, because you were good. If you do good, and something bad happens to you, well "bad things happen to good people", until something good happens again, then is karma arriving late. 

     I have seen bad people, shallow people, mean people getting good things. We are outside looking in, so maybe there is nothing good, however it feels like having a shiny new car, and a brand new job, and a loving relation is still pretty good. Maybe just lift the veil, the cockroaches are afraid of the light, see them run.

     I don't think you can summon good things from being good. There is no law. The universe doesn't have a huge board where it marks if you were nice or naughty, and when you reach a certain number of checks it just thinks "oh! better send her/him/it some random money, or a piece of sh** to step on, or maybe a mugging, or a lottery ticket.." sure..

     You should do good because it's the right thing to do. Why? because you can't just live your life for yourself, just thinking about you. You end up with the people you care about. If you only care for yourself you end up with just you to keep you company. Crazy cat person. 

     Good people hang out together, and if you hang out with good people life gets easier. 

     There is no such thing as karma. It's just wishful thinking, we would like for there to be some sort of order to random events, the explanation is that there is no explanation. Stuff just happens. There is no master plan, no one orchestrating the world, nothing. Just you. And a bunch of other people. And that is terrifying because we know ourselves. We are all crazy.

Just not them

     We are all getting old. Our parents are getting old. To see your parents slowly leave you, slowly stopping to be who they were to transform in to this persons that we need to excuse because "they are old" has to be one of the hardest things to do. We don't even see them leaving us, one day we just realize that they are taking longer to do this, or forgetting things, or are just not them. Another day and they are gone.

     We want to grow up, we want to move on, there is so many thing that we want, and we forget that they are getting older, that they will need us more, we will never be truly free. 

     We want to be free so bad, but it is a state of mind and our mind is the only thing that can really be free, everything else is conditioned. Some of us never want to be "free" of there parents, it's a way. Others can't wait to leave, it's another way. Either way you will regret it. Eventually we will all regret it. We will get wiser, we will understand them better, we will turn into versions of them, and inevitably we will regret never leaving or never staying. Guilt will touch us all. 

     We are in such a rush to leave. Can't say that i'm in a rush to regret it. But. It will always be my regret. My consequences of my choices. That guilt is a blessing if you compare it with the guilt of having lived your life trough someone else's choices.

     We all change. We all grow, maybe we never stop growing. And when we stop growing we help others grow. I hope the lessons of patience, kindness and hope are not going to waste. Old people exist in every age, some of them are 18 others are 80. Age is a passport for nothing (except a seat in the bus), take it from the youngest child. 

Step back

     Maybe you miss your past. You miss the good thing it had. This is a sad confession. I miss things that did me wrong, i should never look back and just look forward, shouldn't we all? I've been thinking about time. It's so unfair.

     The bad things are all you can remember at first. But softly when you make your peace with them you start remembering the good things, and the bad doesn't seem so important, you let yourself forget about the bad things, you let them go in order to let the good things shine trough. I hope it's a cycle. I hope you at first  only see the bad things, after, just the good things, and hopefully then, you can see them both. Either way, i miss the good things.

     Maybe every time you get a glimpse of something good you remember other good things that happened to you, you reverse to your past happy self. I hope it's ok to miss things that were not good for you, i hope it's fine if you forgive what you shouldn't, and i hope that trying to make peace with your past won't make you weak. Sometimes you should take a step back in order to move forward. Maybe. 

     Maybe i'm just stuck. Since I'm unable to move forward i'm turning to my past. Going back is not an option. Making the same wrong choices is pathetic. I'm gonna make new bad choices with new things. 

We can go in whatever direction feels right, who said that we should go forward? 

Cautionary Tales

Does where we come from determinate where we will go? I'm thinking about this for some time now. Does our history condition our future choices? The things we did in our past are a cautionary tale for our future. Maybe. 

We can learn from our mistakes and make different mistakes in the future. But what got us to make those mistakes, maybe it is a part of us. Maybe all of the wrongs that we do are just the different faces of a part of us. Do we change? People don't change, they are who they are. They can change the way they demonstrate who they are. But we stay the same. We get lost some times but when ready, we return to ourselves. What we did is a prediction on what we will do? 

I hope it's not. I hope that sometimes we find things that makes us want to be different, makes us want to change, and grow, and be better. Maybe those things find us. Maybe they need us as much as we need them.

Sometimes. 

When you meet someone, what they did is how you know who they were. They complete a puzzle of themselves. But who are they now? Is what they do in the present what really matters? What you do now is the result of what you have learned from who you were. But it takes so much to see the uncertain now instead of the clear past. By default we want to believe the easy thing. Sometimes the easy thing is the right thing. Other times, we just hope that it's not.

I'm scared because people can't change.

Thank God i'm hilarious!

One year ago i was given a opportunity to rediscover who i was. It was truly a full circle journey. For which, Now, i am thankful. 

I started with losing everything that i thought defined me, i questioned every part of who i was and every choice i had ever made. 

Then i thought nothing. I had to work, thank God i had to work. I defined myself trough my work, i worked like a maniac.

Old habits that i thought were long gone revisited me. I wasn't so happy to see them, but then again, when you are nothing, familiar things remind you of who you used to be. Just like an old sweater.

I started to run. I ran from anything that was familiar. I ran from all the choices i had made. I though  they were responsible for what i was going trough. Sadly i ran in to some weird people, and strange situations. It was another lesson. So much better alone then this alternative. A friend of mine said "if that was your first mistake, then it wasn't a mistake". Sometimes, if you are lucky, you run into some amazing people.

Full circle.

I am a better, well, stronger and hopefully wiser version of my previous self for some time now. I'm grateful for all the amazing people i have found along the way. I made friends whose memory i will always carry with me. I am still redefining my choices. There is no rush. It is all about the journey not the destination.

"Never invest so much in a relationship, that if it ends, it will leave you emotionally bankrupt"

Two things. I was emotionally bankrupt, such a big part of my happiness was the other person happiness that i guess, after it all, i just hadn't enough things to make me happy inside myself. Can you really learn to love less? if you think is forever can you really stop yourself from "investing" in your relationship? I think, that you should reach a point where you need to be "all in". No? Loving with everything that you are isn't an "all in" perspective? shouldn't it be? I don't know. I think i learned my lesson, one i hope i will never forget. Be proud of your choices. If given the choice to go back, i should change somethings, i'm sure i had my big share of  the responsibility  but i wouldn't. I wouldn't change a thing. I did what felt right, and because of that, i can live with myself. Proud Mary. Maybe the lesson is not quite assimilated.. 

Well in the end, i'm the only person i'm 100% sure i will spend my entire life with, so i'm making myself happy. Thank God i'm hilarious!..

The flaws

Past

I'm trying really hard to be smart and be a grown up. Sometimes i feel like a little girl. So ridiculously full of hope. We can't afford to go back to innocence.  It will cost to much. It costs so much of your soul. I think i'm running out of soul to give. I know why. I have unreal expectations. I always have this unreal expectations on people. Nobody can live up to them. No one ever will. People are just people. So i have to readjust every time they don't live up to this insanely impossible standard  and every time i readjust i lose a little bit. I'm shaken to my core. The mantra being that "life is good. be good. people are good" is wrong. my heart and my brain know it to be wrong. I have no idea what organ is failing me because even knowing that that is wrong something still believes in it with enough strength that prevents me to move on. And that just trows me in an endless cycle.

Present

You don't have to know. Who cares? Who knows? eh.. Knowing is overrated. Just let it take you and carry you and enjoy where you will end up. Pack what you need. don't forget anything important, and just let go. We will see each other on the other side. I miss you already. 

I still believe. I should be smarter. Smartness is also overrated.. I hope. The flaws in people is what makes us humans. Dread the day you will meet a perfect person. It will kill the joy of the uncertainty. Wonderful disappointing flaws, the more the better. The more layers, the more baggage, the more damage, the more broken they are, the more perfect they seem to be. 

Future

In the future i think i will revisit the past