Cosmical balance

     I was talking with a friend of mine about regrets, I forgot to mention one, I tried my best to erase from my memory so i guess it worked. I regret not taking better care of my dog and not loving him the way he loved me. When i was 12 my mother finally gave me permission to go tho the city pound and pick up any dog I wanted, having growned up reading amazing books about this humanly smart dogs, so when I got one I had crazy unreal expectations about it, we were going to be best friends, and he would understand all that I was saying and I wouldn't feel so alone, I would finally know what being loved and understood meant. The messed up ways of my teenager brain. 

      My dog was really smart, he was, in one week he learned all this new tricks, language.. not so much, he was just a normal real dog, but normal for me wasn't even close to what I dreamt he would be. As usual, I thought it was my fault, I was the one who couldn't make him understand me, my incompetence prevented him from being this perfect cartoon animal and I was frustrated at him all the time. But, before all that, I was annoyed, he loved me so much I felt suffocated. How could he do that? He was my shadow, he was only happy when he was with me, on me, around me or looking at me. I hated it. I remember closing my door so he wouldn't get in my room, keeping him away from me. I hated that he loved me so much, it was just to much. 

      My bird does the same now, he loves me so much, he grabs to the bars of his cage every time he sees me, he runs around so he will get as close to me as he can, and if he is out, he has to be on me, looking at me, loving me all the time. I feel like a horrible person, but  I can't stand so much love, so much devotion, just thinking about what he is going to do, I don't even want to look at him. It's just to much. With all the man/boys in my life it was the same, I was never so uninterested and detached from my boyfriends then when they went trough that "crazy in love" phase. I hate that. Why do they want so much? All of them. I fell bad complaining about to much love, but I prefer less, "to much love will kill you" and I never feel so close to dying then when I'm so absolutely loved. 

       Is it cosmical balance that I have a stalker now? Someone that thinks I'm interesting to the point of obsessing without return? Assuming that he is not completely crazy, nor completely uninterested, I'm going for, healthy normal stalker, half way between psychopath and prankster. Now he wants to kiss me, before he just wanted to marry me in a platonic way but now it's getting physical. The police said "It's probably one of your ex-boyfriends" to which I was forced to reply "Oh! trust me, they are all crazy, but not like this". 

      I hate clingliness and neediness and "I wove you so much!!", it's just not me, I don't even like when animals love me so much let alone people, why do we resist pure love? Why disagree with an irrational animal who loves you just because you are good to him and he had no other choice but to make you "his person"? You don't deserve that love because you did almost nothing to get it. They see the good in you and never the bad, so they love you, absolutely and unconditionally, is that why? I might believe that they love you for being good, and they just have no elaborate thoughts about your bad behavior, so it's not real love and you don't deserve it. I loved my dog, i loved him so much that it still hurts when i thing about all the things I should had done differently with him. Maybe it's not love, maybe it's just shame for all the things that I should had done and didn't.

       Maybe it's all just to much, when you have so much love you can't breadth you feel suffocating. I need space, lots and lots of space. Don't you dare to love me more then the right amount, not to little, not to much.Just  the perfect balance between ignoring and obsessing. 

       Dear Mr. Stalker, trust me on this, you really don't want to go anywhere near my mess, next time he calls I will just scream "YOU ARE SMOTHERING ME!!" that will scare him straight..

Bambi

How long should you regret a bad choice? Does it depend on how bad it was? A really bad decision you regret forever or the worse it is the quicker you need to forget and forgive in order to move on? If you feel in charge of the decisions you make regret is unlikely to happen. Ok, to tell you the truth, i'm watching Bambi right now, for the first time, I have this feeling that the mother is going to die, oh.. spoilers alert! sorry about that. It's beautifully well drawn, I love the old movies from Disney, but I'm not sure anyone doesn't. These movies are responsible for the most unreal expectations of life, for girls of course, only girls get influenced by pretty animals and singing princesses, I think boys, when they are young are smarter then girls, they know that none of this is true and there is absolutely no life lesson here, of course it all changes later, women, in general, are better at life then man. Music changed, something bad is about to happen... Why does Disney think that in order to strive you need to lose a parent? Or both? Thank god I'm older, this would be traumatizing if I was a child.. Lion King still makes me so sad, i'm scarred for life with that one, not saying that I still cry, I don't. I do have a permanent idea that that time will be different and that the Mufasa won't die and they will all live happy ever after, but that's normal, and a super healthy approach. " You are walking along, minding your own business, when all of a sudden, you run smack in to a a pretty face, you begin to get weak in the knees, and then you feel light as a feather, and before you know it you are walking on air. And then you know what? You are knocked for a loop, and you completely lose your head. It can happen to anybody" And after that, you screw things up and BAM. you are back where you started. This is a cosmic scheme to get me depressed. Not going to happen, I'm determined to be happy and perfectly contempt with just me. I am going to buy a house, and fill it with cats, I shall become crazy cat lady, my super power will be to trow cats at people, no animal brutality here, I will teach them to land on their claws. I am going to somehow be at peace with what happened. I am just a lonely me doing my best. And sometimes we screw things up. I am going to give myself a break. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Mistakes are lessons in disguise.  I should be freaking Gandhi by now.

I will walk you trough it

I'm freaking out, i was supposed to work this afternoon, and no such luck, i want to look nice and wear a dress, for that i need to shave my legs, and put some cream on them, and then i have to think if only the legs are enough, if i need to be prepared for more, maybe a late dip in to the ocean? maybe he has a swimming pool, maybe i should pack a bikini. No. No bikini and no more shaving, it's more then enough. "If you don't shave you must behave". Don't want to be in a bikini in the middle of the night all alone with this guy. I don't want to cook, it was supposed to be a tea in the sun, what happened to that plan?  how did we get to dinner in the night? Is this a date? nop.. not a date. Why am i working so hard to look pretty? i want someone to think i am, i want external validation as a quick fix of an interior problem. Classic. A part of me just wants someone who wants me. thank god a bigger part of me knows all of that and is able to stay one step ahead from my crazy self. And that's why i'm wearing a pink dress, with mint green shoes, that's why i look lovely, sure, one step ahead.

Ah the supermarket, this isn't weird at all. walking around picking things to cook. I don't want to cook. I love to cook, I love to eat, I do it for the ones i love, even if it's just me, i always cook with love. Not today. I don't want to cook, i have no love for him and i'm running low on self-love. That just reminds me of the ones that i would love to be cooking for. "Ah! look broccoli! he likes that!.. nop.. wrong him, awkward" . I'm staying as far from him as i can, it's extra hard when they want the exact opposite. He thinks this is a date, but it's not. This is, my insanity bill.

He went to take a shower and i'm cooking, why am i doing this? i hate to cook for him, i don't want to do this! If  it was up to me, it would be "Food for no one!". He's here, he smells like a really nice perfume, synthetic. He is next to me, i think i might be feeling a crotch on my ass. "Smell me".( Run, just Run, Stop staying, leave and don't you dare come back), "yeah, i smelled it as soon as you where here, maybe you could do with a little less next time no?" (meanness? why? is it his fault that you are crazy? is it? not really, so suck it up) "but it's a nice smell.." He's grabbing my wrist, he's really trying. I need to say something, i need to say that this ain't ever happening. 

His job was to set the table, and he did. On the balcony, with lights, and a beautiful view. This is shaping up to be a perfect "whateverthisis". I hate perfect things. I'm talking about things that make him uncomfortable, i need company in my misery. I want to clean so bad. Can't wait to leave. Going to the kitchen to clean. Don't know what to do. He made a made up bed on the balcony, with pillows and blankets, and tea, mint. just like me. Ok. I'm so uncomfortable that i need to speak up. I'm giving the "Hey, we are two intellectual people, so we are just thinking that theoretically this could be a good idea, but honestly, if it was supposed to happen it would have happened a long time ago, so i'm saying, i think we should just .. not. So i'm going to pee, and give you a little time to think ok?" I have this thing, apparently i drive boys mute, they just need time to think about what i say. The longest pee of my life. 

I don't think i'm ok after all. I'm grabbing on to the tea string on my wrist, thinking that anything would be better then this. The thing is, i'm comparing it in my head. You always do don't you? This fails in comparison to about anything, but specially when i compare it to recent events. Do you have to settle for something easy, or you should just wait for something special? This is not the place for questions. I want to just live. Just be. I don't want to be his. I can't. I'm not ok. I'm in danger of making a huge ridiculous mistake. In the mood for running. Step away Flash Gordon.

The crazy juice

Well... I'm done drinking the crazy juice. I don't even want to read what the hell i wrote.

     So, life is good, and I'm ok. The truth is, given the choice between being a sad realistic or a happy delusional person, I'm sticking with the second one, actually, there's nothing I can do about it, even if I really wanted I can't be miserable, I was born to be happy. I wish I was born do be wild, but happy works just fine for me. Life is really good, I am blessed with all I have and there is no reason not to be grateful for all of that. It's inevitable that sometimes you will doubt yourself, you will cry and scream the usual "why me?!" And then, it all fades away, You pick yourself up, dust yourself of, use some cliche lines, and you move on.

     I'm broken in a lot of places, and there is no way in hell that i would change that. Being broken made me wiser, when i knew nothing I was an obnoxious, rightful, paranoid, delusional little prick, now i'm just rightful and delusional, it's getting better, eventually i will be a pleasant person. And I swear, I will never be normal.

     I'm stepping off the Crazy train, it was getting out of hand. I'm going to do my best to get a visa to Rational land, I'm cheating on the paperwork, but, i'm gonna live there for a little while, until someone kicks me out as usual. My next choices will be made by my brain, no more letting my heart pick anything, I have the heart of a drunk 6 year old girly princess, the brain of a 80 year old male widow and the gut of something in the middle. Now the old man is calling the shots! And i'm having tea with the perfect-on-paper prince to test him, and reinventing the style for rooftops parties.

Life is good, and we are just fine. 

We are not in the greatest place

What happens to you when you are forced to lower your expectations so low that they become irrelevant? What happened? I know what happened. I tried, i really tried. I kept on trying. To the people that matter to me I am a bottomless pit of understanding and patience, am i? Am i really like that or am i just trying so hard to be that person. Who is her? Do i even want to be like that? I am genuinely afraid that if i'm not perfect people will just trade up.

A big part of me is still trying to please everybody, it's a lovely souvenir from being shook to the core. This is what i have come to understand to be true. You are yourself, you try your best to be good, and then the best is not enough. They find the faults that you have and they leave you, they get a better version of you, an upgrade. So you try your best to be flawless because that's the only way that people won't leave you, the only way that maybe they won't give up on you. The only way that they can love you is if they can't see your faults, get comfortable share that and you end up all alone wondering what went wrong. I am a strong believer in loving a person because of their faults, i still think they are the most wonderful part of a person, that's what sets us apart. But experience tells me to never measure anyone with the same cup you measure yourself. Expect more, demand more of yourself, demand perfection from yourself and nothing from anyone else, you will for ever be pleasantly surprised with what you get from other people, and live in a state of perpetual disappointment with you. I was raised to embrace the responsibility of whatever happened to me, only the bad things of course, the good ones are always credited to someone else. So, when shit happens, i blame me. Of course it's my fault, for sure. Something that i did, or didn't do, something that i'm not and should be, a stupid fault getting in the way of being appreciated. Who is there to tell you that that is not the case? your friends? they have to, even if they don't mean it, they will always absolve you of any fault. Your family? they are genetically programmed to love you. A stranger? We know their opinion doesn't count. So once again, you can only trust in your own judgment. My judgment tells me that i'm just not enough. Just that. 

I make a pledge here, I will not go and see what countries are visiting this blog. I don't want to know. i want to feel free to write whatever i need to, without worrying who is looking at my ridiculous thoughts. without feeling like an idiot and without judging myself for writing whatever i need to write.

I should just get mad and irrational. the things people say about him. the bad things. and i still don't believe them, i still think it to be a rightful choice, and that no one should pass judgment on others. They to what they do to be happy, and since clearly I'm not enough to make it so, then please, by all means, move on. I would never want anyone to be less happy then what they could be because of me. How selfish is to think that i would rather be a little bit miserable and impose that on someone just not to see them go? 

How many times can you really say to yourself "if they let you go they just didn't appreciate you?" how may times must you go trough that to start understanding that you are the problem? after all you are the common factor. the thing that bounds all those quitters, have a lunch, and see what they talk about. If each bad thing that happens to you re-validates the notion of imperfection and lack of worth that you have, is the same thing proportional to all the good things? No. Good things happen, no one knows why. Bad things happen, you had it coming, nothing more then what you deserved.

Is this all a reflection on self-pity? am i feeling sorry for myself? I am pretty sad, but not sorry. I will go trough every thing i should have done different in my mind. I will end up apologizing for something that i should have done/said/thought/whatever. It's all on me. Why the fuck i'm not enough? Why aren't i worth a little bit of effort? Why i am so willing to live with nothing? What the hell is wrong with me? I had it coming. 

Just that.

A bird at last

I should be thinking about my grandmother, but instead i'm having a imaginary argument with my imaginary boyfriend. And this is a dead bird. And now i'm cold. to not be alone would be great. I wish i knew someone who knew what i needed now. If no one knows you well enough is it their fault or yours? I am the only one wearing pants. I was the only one without time to shave my legs. My hairy legs. We are all fine. The widow isn't but they never are. So many people died this winter. My uncle is really crying now. he couldn't say goodbye to his father. Why do man think they can't cry? they can. They should. Your father only dies once. If not then when? I hope he went somewhere to cry. I haven't cried yet. I will. Seeing who I love cry makes me so sad. I feel so tired. She is a good wife. Hugging when he needs, giving space when he needs, practice makes perfection. My sister is coming. This is a small speech, driving to the cemetery, put him on the ground and go eat. Those who can eat of course. Almost all of my cousins are here. The kids are not, they asked not to come. When i get home i'm taking them to go eat ice cream  Nothing you can do for the grown ups but the kids need something. they are teenagers now but they are good. I'm getting labeled as the weird girl with the red face who doesn't hug who's crying.

Standing so straight

Oh, this is fun! I wish I was not an allergic mess. Without a red red face, a sore throat, a blister in my feet and rashes in my arms. I could also do without pain in my eyes, I feel pain in my eyes! Yes yes I do. I could do without a runny nose, and without a bug bite in the middle of my chest. I miss my second earring, my rings. I miss slouching. I look like I just ate a fork, standing so straight. I need to book a dermatological appointment asap. I think I look silly, I look like someone dressed up a road kill. Oh Shit! Another girl just exited her interview, she looks pretty. She's wearing flats, heals make a woman look extra nice, why would you go with flats? Should i have wore flats? Dam! ... Hello Mr. period, I can't say I missed you at all. But it's nice to have company here, we all know that having it gives you a confidence boost, right? RIGHT?? Scumbag period....

My back hurts. I need to join a swim something. That and a medical appointment would be nice. I need to do a real check up, i'm getting old, and i have this strong suspicion that i have some kind of tumor somewhere. I need a doctor in my life. I should marry someone that has a doctor in the family. If you marry a doctor there's a strong chance you become a hypochondriac. Logistics! Just because of freaking logistics. You will be all like sleeping and then, you feel something, and you think "What was that? Hum, probably nothing". Probably. If you are sleeping next to someone who actually knows what it was, can you really not ask? Can you ignore the possibility to end all uncertainty? Imagine. You make a strange poop, and then you can actually ask a professional opinion "Hey, is this a normal poop?" And then he has to look at it, and the smell, and you are just two married people looking at poop. It's that what you want out of life? I'm not judging people who look at poop, i think it's funny, "Hey honey! Come look at this! I just made thiz! It's shaped like a Shark!" But if one of them is a doctor, then for that person it's work. It's not "haha funny looking poop! you are disgusting!" It's serious business! As serious as a shark looking poop can be.

Leave it to me to be thinking about poop while waiting for an interview. I want to cough, and it's not like i really can, i feel like i would be judged....

Ok this was the last time i blew my nose, next time i will start bleeding and no one wants to play the "Oh! look at me! I'm bleeding from my nose, haha! I'm dying and probably have a tumor!" Card. I want this, but not like that!

Another girl is here, and she is also wearing flats, i did not get that memo. At a job interview you always wear heels. Unless you are crazy tall, no one wants to hire someone taller then them. I'm sorry i'm old fashioned like that, i wear heels to an interview, and a skirt, and pantyhose, even if i'm about to collapse due to heat exhaustion.  

Don't do anything

Don't do anything. Maybe you are hormonal. Wait a day or two, if it's still important you can talk about it later, and have a better take on things.

Don't do anything. You are mad, and nothing good comes from that. Cool down, wait until you are not feeling mad anymore, you will be able to really understand why you are mad.

Don't do anything. People make mistakes, you should weigh how important you think this is for you, and if it's worth having an entire conversation about it.

Don't do anything. It's not like it's on purpose  This doesn't happen to make you mad, or disappointed, or sad, they just don't know any better, and it's your responsibility to make a logical point and see if they can see why that makes you feel like that.

Don't do anything. I'm sure you are blowing it way out of proportion. It's not that important, you are a crazy person. You should take a chill pill and stop overreacting.

Don't do anything. Why should you get people upset when, clearly, it's your fault? You should have said something earlier. Didn't you? It's not their fault for not changing something that they don't know makes you sad.

Don't do anything. You have the responsibility to tell and instruct people on how they should treat you, if they  don't know it, how is that their fault? You should take your share of the blame.

Don't do anything. You should have said something earlier, you didn't, so you can't overreact to one little thing just because you decided to shut up for the past one thousand million things. Suck it up.

Don't do anything. 

"I don't do anything in order to cause trouble. It just so happens that what I do naturally causes trouble. I'm proud to be a troublemaker."

Sinead O'Connor

You see why we needed cookies

     It feels like i'm just telling things that happened to me, i wish i could elaborate a speech about an abstract and obscure topic and provide some enlightened opinions. No such luck.

     So, yesterday i baked chocolate cookies, pastry is precision baking, you need to respect proportions if you want to end up with something eatable. With that being said, i never follow any recipe, there is no plan that i don't like to change (a plan that's not mine of course). So, it's always an adrenaline rush when you are baking, you don't really know if it's the right texture, i mean if there is no recipe there is no right  or wrong, right? haha, no. Too thick it won't rise, to liquid it won't bake. And you never know where you land.

     I love baking. Can't help to imagine my house filled with amazing food. I will make a cookie portfolio. To master some types of cookies and then come up with the best one. I'm thinking of white chocolate cookies with dried strawberrys. Don't you "Starbucks already has something like that" me, i'm starting from scratch!

     I'm so glad you asked why was i baking cookies! You can't have tea without cookies, and you can't go star gazing in the middle of the night to the beach without tea, so you why we needed cookies.

     And we were off. We had blankets and wine and it was warm enough. We were ten. That means that we had to play a physical game, involving running and a lot of frustration and screaming. Check, check, and check. I am the worst competitor, don't care who wins, i'm there just for the fun of it. I'm not popular amongst my team members..

     We had a lot of fun losing. Somehow someone suggested taking a underwear swim in the Ocean.. We are young and brave people, and we will be changing our Fb pictures to our white asses. So many full moons that night. 

     It was a pretty legendary night. but i missed actually watching the stars with a blanket and a cup of warm tea in my hand. I'm missing an idea of something. The thing about what isn't real is that you can picture it the way you want it in your mind, theoretically it's perfect, and if you are never given the chance to see if it's possible in the real world you will carry an unresolved possibility with you. I haven't really slept today, so maybe i'm tired because of that. My bird keeps waking me one hour before i actually have to. I'm running out of things to trow at him.

I like driving in the night. i wish i could hear good music while driving. The tape is stuck inside the radio, i told you this.

Today i heard so much

     Well, hello! how are you? I really hope you are doing well, there is no part of me who wishes that you would be dead, and that's a big improvement! good for you!

     Today i went to take a coffee with one of my best friends, remember her? She used to be one of your best friends until you broke up with me, told me and her that we were going to get back together and then she caught you with another girl in the supermarket buying groceries to cook for her, after i thought you how to cook, with the book your aunt bought US and you kept it, i get it, you really need it more then me, it's fine. Rumor has it that you were going to fool around with her and come back to me, i'm so lucky that you think i am wife material and she wasn't. Yeah for me?

     Well, she's not your friend anymore, and you are losing all of your other friends, nobody really cares for you anymore, i bet you are dying to get out of college and get new friends who only know your "new" girlfriend. She has some pretty big shoes to fill, i am, after all, a generous 39.

      I don't trust my friends to give me a impartial opinion of her, after all, they hate her. And i hate to admit it but i am curious to know the girl who "seduced" you while we were together. Did you tell her that when you were suppose to "not be in love with me anymore" you grabbed me and pushed me to your bed and started to "get it on" until i just laugh at your pathetic attempt of romance and left? I don't think you did. should i? Oh  do i have things that i could tell her, but then, if she had a brain, she would leave you, and i don't want that! She is perfect for you, she loves your cheating ass and that's the definition of perfection, i mean if you guys break up how is she going to cheat on you and dump you? fingers crossed. 

     You tell your friends that you get disoriented when you see me now, you think i look prettier and so much happier then when i was with you, and you are right! I really am. If i had a dime for every time i hear that, i would have a lot of dimes. A lot. I am so much happier, there is something liberating with not being constantly asked to change and to forget who i am. I must say, I do love the freedom of being me without anybody telling that i should change. 

     I think the best way of payback is to be so happy that it will eat you up, that and of course when, it's not if, it's when you come crawling back, i will love to send you back to yo mamma's lap. I bet she loves your new girlfriend. And i bet your grandfather hates her. How i love him, how did such a great man fathered a son who fathered you!?? haha maybe you were also found on the trash!!

Anyway. Today i heard so much about how your life sucks that i had to let you know, apart from the subliminal desire that your new girlfriend cheats on you, i wish you absolutely no harm, no happiness either, i wish you nothing. But i do hope you are happy, with her, without her, anyway you can. I wish that on my worst enemy so why would you be different?