I'm freaking out, i was supposed to work this afternoon, and no such luck, i want to look nice and wear a dress, for that i need to shave my legs, and put some cream on them, and then i have to think if only the legs are enough, if i need to be prepared for more, maybe a late dip in to the ocean? maybe he has a swimming pool, maybe i should pack a bikini. No. No bikini and no more shaving, it's more then enough. "If you don't shave you must behave". Don't want to be in a bikini in the middle of the night all alone with this guy. I don't want to cook, it was supposed to be a tea in the sun, what happened to that plan? how did we get to dinner in the night? Is this a date? nop.. not a date. Why am i working so hard to look pretty? i want someone to think i am, i want external validation as a quick fix of an interior problem. Classic. A part of me just wants someone who wants me. thank god a bigger part of me knows all of that and is able to stay one step ahead from my crazy self. And that's why i'm wearing a pink dress, with mint green shoes, that's why i look lovely, sure, one step ahead.
Ah the supermarket, this isn't weird at all. walking around picking things to cook. I don't want to cook. I love to cook, I love to eat, I do it for the ones i love, even if it's just me, i always cook with love. Not today. I don't want to cook, i have no love for him and i'm running low on self-love. That just reminds me of the ones that i would love to be cooking for. "Ah! look broccoli! he likes that!.. nop.. wrong him, awkward" . I'm staying as far from him as i can, it's extra hard when they want the exact opposite. He thinks this is a date, but it's not. This is, my insanity bill.
He went to take a shower and i'm cooking, why am i doing this? i hate to cook for him, i don't want to do this! If it was up to me, it would be "Food for no one!". He's here, he smells like a really nice perfume, synthetic. He is next to me, i think i might be feeling a crotch on my ass. "Smell me".( Run, just Run, Stop staying, leave and don't you dare come back), "yeah, i smelled it as soon as you where here, maybe you could do with a little less next time no?" (meanness? why? is it his fault that you are crazy? is it? not really, so suck it up) "but it's a nice smell.." He's grabbing my wrist, he's really trying. I need to say something, i need to say that this ain't ever happening.
His job was to set the table, and he did. On the balcony, with lights, and a beautiful view. This is shaping up to be a perfect "whateverthisis". I hate perfect things. I'm talking about things that make him uncomfortable, i need company in my misery. I want to clean so bad. Can't wait to leave. Going to the kitchen to clean. Don't know what to do. He made a made up bed on the balcony, with pillows and blankets, and tea, mint. just like me. Ok. I'm so uncomfortable that i need to speak up. I'm giving the "Hey, we are two intellectual people, so we are just thinking that theoretically this could be a good idea, but honestly, if it was supposed to happen it would have happened a long time ago, so i'm saying, i think we should just .. not. So i'm going to pee, and give you a little time to think ok?" I have this thing, apparently i drive boys mute, they just need time to think about what i say. The longest pee of my life.
I don't think i'm ok after all. I'm grabbing on to the tea string on my wrist, thinking that anything would be better then this. The thing is, i'm comparing it in my head. You always do don't you? This fails in comparison to about anything, but specially when i compare it to recent events. Do you have to settle for something easy, or you should just wait for something special? This is not the place for questions. I want to just live. Just be. I don't want to be his. I can't. I'm not ok. I'm in danger of making a huge ridiculous mistake. In the mood for running. Step away Flash Gordon.
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