I was talking with a friend of mine about regrets, I forgot to mention one, I tried my best to erase from my memory so i guess it worked. I regret not taking better care of my dog and not loving him the way he loved me. When i was 12 my mother finally gave me permission to go tho the city pound and pick up any dog I wanted, having growned up reading amazing books about this humanly smart dogs, so when I got one I had crazy unreal expectations about it, we were going to be best friends, and he would understand all that I was saying and I wouldn't feel so alone, I would finally know what being loved and understood meant. The messed up ways of my teenager brain.
My dog was really smart, he was, in one week he learned all this new tricks, language.. not so much, he was just a normal real dog, but normal for me wasn't even close to what I dreamt he would be. As usual, I thought it was my fault, I was the one who couldn't make him understand me, my incompetence prevented him from being this perfect cartoon animal and I was frustrated at him all the time. But, before all that, I was annoyed, he loved me so much I felt suffocated. How could he do that? He was my shadow, he was only happy when he was with me, on me, around me or looking at me. I hated it. I remember closing my door so he wouldn't get in my room, keeping him away from me. I hated that he loved me so much, it was just to much.
My bird does the same now, he loves me so much, he grabs to the bars of his cage every time he sees me, he runs around so he will get as close to me as he can, and if he is out, he has to be on me, looking at me, loving me all the time. I feel like a horrible person, but I can't stand so much love, so much devotion, just thinking about what he is going to do, I don't even want to look at him. It's just to much. With all the man/boys in my life it was the same, I was never so uninterested and detached from my boyfriends then when they went trough that "crazy in love" phase. I hate that. Why do they want so much? All of them. I fell bad complaining about to much love, but I prefer less, "to much love will kill you" and I never feel so close to dying then when I'm so absolutely loved.
Is it cosmical balance that I have a stalker now? Someone that thinks I'm interesting to the point of obsessing without return? Assuming that he is not completely crazy, nor completely uninterested, I'm going for, healthy normal stalker, half way between psychopath and prankster. Now he wants to kiss me, before he just wanted to marry me in a platonic way but now it's getting physical. The police said "It's probably one of your ex-boyfriends" to which I was forced to reply "Oh! trust me, they are all crazy, but not like this".
I hate clingliness and neediness and "I wove you so much!!", it's just not me, I don't even like when animals love me so much let alone people, why do we resist pure love? Why disagree with an irrational animal who loves you just because you are good to him and he had no other choice but to make you "his person"? You don't deserve that love because you did almost nothing to get it. They see the good in you and never the bad, so they love you, absolutely and unconditionally, is that why? I might believe that they love you for being good, and they just have no elaborate thoughts about your bad behavior, so it's not real love and you don't deserve it. I loved my dog, i loved him so much that it still hurts when i thing about all the things I should had done differently with him. Maybe it's not love, maybe it's just shame for all the things that I should had done and didn't.
Maybe it's all just to much, when you have so much love you can't breadth you feel suffocating. I need space, lots and lots of space. Don't you dare to love me more then the right amount, not to little, not to much.Just the perfect balance between ignoring and obsessing.
Dear Mr. Stalker, trust me on this, you really don't want to go anywhere near my mess, next time he calls I will just scream "YOU ARE SMOTHERING ME!!" that will scare him straight..
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