We are not in the greatest place

What happens to you when you are forced to lower your expectations so low that they become irrelevant? What happened? I know what happened. I tried, i really tried. I kept on trying. To the people that matter to me I am a bottomless pit of understanding and patience, am i? Am i really like that or am i just trying so hard to be that person. Who is her? Do i even want to be like that? I am genuinely afraid that if i'm not perfect people will just trade up.

A big part of me is still trying to please everybody, it's a lovely souvenir from being shook to the core. This is what i have come to understand to be true. You are yourself, you try your best to be good, and then the best is not enough. They find the faults that you have and they leave you, they get a better version of you, an upgrade. So you try your best to be flawless because that's the only way that people won't leave you, the only way that maybe they won't give up on you. The only way that they can love you is if they can't see your faults, get comfortable share that and you end up all alone wondering what went wrong. I am a strong believer in loving a person because of their faults, i still think they are the most wonderful part of a person, that's what sets us apart. But experience tells me to never measure anyone with the same cup you measure yourself. Expect more, demand more of yourself, demand perfection from yourself and nothing from anyone else, you will for ever be pleasantly surprised with what you get from other people, and live in a state of perpetual disappointment with you. I was raised to embrace the responsibility of whatever happened to me, only the bad things of course, the good ones are always credited to someone else. So, when shit happens, i blame me. Of course it's my fault, for sure. Something that i did, or didn't do, something that i'm not and should be, a stupid fault getting in the way of being appreciated. Who is there to tell you that that is not the case? your friends? they have to, even if they don't mean it, they will always absolve you of any fault. Your family? they are genetically programmed to love you. A stranger? We know their opinion doesn't count. So once again, you can only trust in your own judgment. My judgment tells me that i'm just not enough. Just that. 

I make a pledge here, I will not go and see what countries are visiting this blog. I don't want to know. i want to feel free to write whatever i need to, without worrying who is looking at my ridiculous thoughts. without feeling like an idiot and without judging myself for writing whatever i need to write.

I should just get mad and irrational. the things people say about him. the bad things. and i still don't believe them, i still think it to be a rightful choice, and that no one should pass judgment on others. They to what they do to be happy, and since clearly I'm not enough to make it so, then please, by all means, move on. I would never want anyone to be less happy then what they could be because of me. How selfish is to think that i would rather be a little bit miserable and impose that on someone just not to see them go? 

How many times can you really say to yourself "if they let you go they just didn't appreciate you?" how may times must you go trough that to start understanding that you are the problem? after all you are the common factor. the thing that bounds all those quitters, have a lunch, and see what they talk about. If each bad thing that happens to you re-validates the notion of imperfection and lack of worth that you have, is the same thing proportional to all the good things? No. Good things happen, no one knows why. Bad things happen, you had it coming, nothing more then what you deserved.

Is this all a reflection on self-pity? am i feeling sorry for myself? I am pretty sad, but not sorry. I will go trough every thing i should have done different in my mind. I will end up apologizing for something that i should have done/said/thought/whatever. It's all on me. Why the fuck i'm not enough? Why aren't i worth a little bit of effort? Why i am so willing to live with nothing? What the hell is wrong with me? I had it coming. 

Just that.