Sun in the sky you know how I feel

     You have this idea, this notion of what you want when you "grow up", some people have this picture perfect moment of what they want, they know what they want and how to get there their path is like a bullet. I don't know what happens after you hit your only target, maybe they imagine different targets as they go along. My sister had this thing, the only thing she ever wanted from life was to find someone to love and to love her. For her that is the definition of life, that is the sole most important thing ever. She has it. She is happy, she has everything she ever wanted. Sometimes i get jealous of her perfect happy life, thankfully she is a much better person then me, so before i let that carry me away i remember that i am infinitely happier for her then jealous. I am glad that she has such a good life. She could be the proof that good things happen to good people, you know, if we believed in that.

      Some people want the perfect job, some the perfect house, to live in the perfect place, to have something that would make their life perfect. Perfection comes from the inside out, not the outside in. To get to that perfect moment you need to work for it, so in the end you are responsible for that, it makes it yours. Enjoy.

      For me. I always wanted to work, to have a life bigger then what i had, not specific about what i was doing, or where, all i knew is that i didn't want what i had, nor to do what i was doing. After it changed, i wanted to have a family, i wanted to create something for myself that i never had, that would also would have made me very happy. I wanted a nest, that is what i was working for, My perfect thing has always been very blurry. Now i don't know what i want. I want it all and some more, much more. When you know better you want better, that results in the creation of a very complex picture, so full of things that it's hard to focus. It's a noisy picture. 

     I've been thinking about growing up. I think i am ready to grow up, i really want to. Not so sure i am ready to be a grown up. I still make a lot of mistakes. I will keep on making them and learning from them  i hope. Maybe i'm not ready, but i sure want to do it. You can't really go back can you? Once a grown up, always a grown up. I will trade the impossible liability of a child for the suffocating responsibility of an adult. I am done with depending, with leaning (trying to anyway). None of them make me. 

     I want so much that is scary that i might not get anything ending up disappointing myself, and that's the worst person you can let down. Forgive everyone but me. I'm my worst critic. I'm my worst. I should learn how to let go and look over my own flaws since i do that so well for every one else. I am the one that strives for more, never gets it and feels like a failure because of some impossible standards. I do not hold them for any one, just for me. I am my worst. 

Well that was depressing!

"Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel " The great Nina Simone